Raising the Bar: Must Have Beer ToysBy Mario Frassetto on September 04, 2007 - 9:00 am |
Just drinking beer isn’t enough these days. OK, really it is… but, what the hell, these gadgets and toys make it all the more fun. It makes us wonder what those poor saps during prohibition did. Suckers.
Just how lazy can we get? Well, pretty fucking lazy. Lazy enough that we will take the time to program this robot to bring and pour us a beer when we want one. Sure, it takes forever and it would just be quicker to get one manually, but what fun would that be? We’d also have the robot use its female voice to say; “Here is your beer, all conquering and knowing master.” Now all we need is the blowjob robot…
The second-coolest thing would be this: it holds ten beers and keeps them frosty cold. It's pretty fast and accurate. In fact, this guy is our new personal hero. Check out the video to see it in action. How it's possible to live without one of these is beyond us, even though we're doing it right now.
How many times have you had a frosty cold beer in your hand only to be asked to do something that requires both hands? Like taking a leak, for example. Well, until we sprout that third arm out of our asses, this will just have to do. It also looks pretty damn good on the ladies, too.
Belt, Ring, and Flip-Flop Bottle Openers
Now that you have your beer securely holstered, how in the world are you going to open it? Have no fear, as the belt, ring and flip-flop bottle openers are here. Yes, that’s right, no longer do you need to carry around a cumbersome bottle opener key ring. These highly effective openers get the job done, because there’s nothing worse than being unable to open your beer.
It’s time to bring the bar home. And nothing says. “I’m an alcoholic,” like beer flowing from a keg in your house 24/7. Or you could use the classic excuse of .“Tap beer tastes better than bottled or can beer.” Please, you really don’t have to make excuses. Having beer on demand out of a Keg-O-Rator is fucking awesome. These things should come with awards for their owners.
Beer on Tap
While not as cool as an actual Keg-O-Rator, this is the next best thing. Before beer companies got smart and made their own mini-kegs, there was this. The beer is cooled for optimum serving, but you have to find the right sized keg of beer for this thing. Good luck with that... but it’s still pretty cool.
There is no device better for getting college co-eds “caught up” with the rest of the drunkards at a kegger than a beer bong. It used to be a simple construction of a funnel and some tubing. But now, like everything else, time has brought progress and complications in the form of valves, switches and multi-person bongs. Just the thing to get an entire party fucked up in six seconds flat. Awesome.
It used to be that if you wanted to brew some of your own beer, you had to do it illegally and in your tub, but that's no longer the case thanks to a multitude of home brewing kits and recipes (and, uh, the repeal of Prohibition). So, when all else fails, and you can’t even leave the house anymore, have no fear. Now you can just live out of your basement and get sloshed on your own beer.
Bar Stool Racers
The best part about these things is that they are fast... and the more you drink, the more fun and therefore dangerous they become. While a high speed of 28 mph doesn’t seem very fast, when you're three sheets to the wind and four feet off the ground, it’s plenty fast. And, believe it or not, there is an actual bar stool racing championship. Really. Too bad they do it sober, though.