Once you get in the holiest of all places on earth (sorry Mr. Pope guy, if that's even your real name), there is a certain way you should act. Sure, you don’t have to follow any of these rules, but be warned:  you will be dealt with, whether by the "staff” or by the patrons. You may not even know it, but everyone will be talking about or even laughing at you -- all behind your drunk-ass back.

Find a Bar

First off, you need to pick the correct bar. Chances are, if you walk into a bar and all you see are dudes with their shirts off, you’ve walked into a gay bar. Girls kissing each other:  a lesbian bar. Dudes screaming and yelling at TVs for no apparent reason:  a sports bar. Get the drift? Choose wisely and accordingly. And once you've made that choice, don’t bitch and whine about being there. Just fucking leave. Or get a beer and start drinking.

Find a Seat 

Finding a seat is a lot like choosing which urinal your going to take a leak at. No one wants to be sandwiched between two old, drunk hairy dudes, no matter what. Then again, not every bar is chock full of super models. Whatever you do, always ask the person sitting next to an empty seat if said seat is taken. It's just plain polite (we know, it’s quite the foreign concept these days), but it's also an instant icebreaker. So start the hunt early and ask that hot blonde if the seat next to her is free – you won’t get slapped. Yet.

Ordering

Time to get a beer or drink. There are two things to remember here:  ladies first and the bar isn’t going anywhere. So take your time. No one EVER likes someone who flashes their money or pounds the bar, demanding the bartender's attention.  The bartender is your friend, as they are the one providing (or not) you with booze, so it’s best not to piss them off. Also, you won’t look like an impatient asshole trying to get served ten seconds before everyone else.

Tipping

Bartenders and cocktail servers get paid shit. They work for tips and not tipping them for bringing you drinks is not only not cool, but also downright mean. Sure, no one docks your pay when you don’t hand in that TPS report on time, but you are essentially their boss. About a dollar a drink is acceptable for such a service.  

If you order food too, tip like you would at a proper restaurant. And just in case you were stuck in 1980, the standard for tipping is now 18%. At least. It’s called inflation. Deal with it and cough up an extra dollar or two. And if you don’t want to tip, stay home and get your own damn drink.

Hitting on the Staff

Yeah, yeah.  We know that no one goes to Hooters for the wings. That much is evident. But bars also aren’t escort services or whore houses. Just because a cocktail waitress is forced to be there and listen to you, it doesn’t give you the right to play grab-ass and otherwise sexually harass her. She’s at work after all and it’s just plain rude to try and pick up your server. If she likes you she’ll let you know. Trust us.

No Puking or Pissing IN the Bar

Everyone likes to hit it hard now and again. And, sometimes, when you hit it a little too hard, everything that went down is going to come up. It happens. What you don’t want to do is throw up IN the bar. That’s just not cool for everyone else there. Then there are some other bodily functions you have to deal with. No matter how shitty the bar, or what you’ve seen there, it’s not acceptable to drop trow and take a piss at or near the bar. We’ve seen it happen. Some guy gets waaaay too drunk, bellies up to the bar, whips it out and starts taking a leak. That’s totally unacceptable.

Don't Drink and Drive

As much as we love the classic saying “one for the road,” drinking and driving isn’t cool. But, if you do have to drink and drive, follow Homer’s example:

Dancing on the Bar is for WOMEN ONLY 

We don’t care how drunk you get, men should never, ever dance on a bar. Simple as that. Women, on the other hand, should be encouraged.

Bar Fights 

While usually a place where you can drown your sorrows, find a one-night stand and maybe even gain some drunken wisdom, sometimes the bar can get downright dangerous. Look at the wrong guy’s girlfriend, spill your drink on the wrong guy or grab the wrong ass, and sparks can and will fly.  It's better to avoid this altogether, but if you have to fight, hope you are less drunk than your opponent. But remember, if you fuck up the dude's girlfriend he has to deal with that for weeks. No matter what happens to you, he will be paying for that long after your wounds have healed.

The Jukebox

With the dawn of digital music, believe it or not, the left-for-dead Jukebox has made a return. This is both a good and a bad thing. With an almost endless choice of music at your fingertips, you can find and play just about anything. But take care as the not everyone in bar wants to hear “My Humps” 500 times in a night. So don’t do it.

Games

Besides trying to pick up women, there are a lot of games to be played at a bar these days:  pool, darts and the wildly popular Texas hold’em tournament, to name a few. Usually these games are first come, first serve so don’t get pissed off when you can’t get in a game of pool on a Friday night.