Problem SOLVED! Torture

Torture in the hands of a serial killer is only torture.  In the hands of the government, however, it is a tool with which information can be extracted from bad people who are trying to bomb you and your pets.  Detractors say that it is an ineffective means of gaining the information, and point to rising numbers of worldwide terrorists and to the fact that Bin Laden is still free as evidence that torture is simply not effective.  These people are obviously idiots:  if torturing is a means to get information, and we do not have enough information, it doesn't mean that torture doesn't work, it only means that we are not torturing enough.

If it is the law that stands in our way, we must change the law.  If it is the Constitution that stands in our way, we must change the Constitution.  We used to do it all the time.  It's fun.  And we could throw in something about flags, too, because that's important.  Here, I'll show you how it's done:

Amendment [appropriate Roman numeral]:  Now you can torture all you want, government.  Also, no flag burning, gays.

I think that's pretty much what we're looking for.

A lack of torture, though, is not the only problem we have with torture.  Our torture is also under publicized.  A higher awareness of our torturing would benefit us in several key ways.  In the first way, it would act as a deterrent.  As we know from our experience with harsh prison sentences and the death penalty, the system of deterrence works extremely well, particularly for fans of gigantic prisons.  The most likely scenario involves millions of terrorists swearing off hatred of America forever purely out of the fear that they might be tortured.

The second way we could use increased torture visibility to aid us is in the location of the torturing, and by that I don't mean, "on the balls."   If we were to set up extremely well lit lines of the tortured along with their torturers and positioned them along our southern border with Mexico, we would send an unignorable message to illegal immigrants.  That message?  We enjoy torturing people.  We could also run commercials to that effect in Mexican markets.  Imagine watching TV with your family in Mexico.  On the screen you see a poor Mexican man not unlike yourself dragging himself across the barren Sonoran desert in the hope of finding a better life.  He faints on the dusty ground and the screen goes black.  When he wakes up, he's being waterboarded like crazy, and a caption flashes across the bottom of the screen:  "Stay where you are.  Don't get tortured."  That's a catchy motto, and a powerful message to back it up.  I know I'd listen to it.  I definitely do not want to get tortured.

Finally, and most obviously, we could market the torture.  TV shows such as 24 have underlined the commercial appeal of torture and its potential as a form of popular entertainment.  Why, then, shouldn't it be broadcast across the country?  Why shouldn't advertising time be auctioned off for millions of dollars, and why shouldn't that money be used to fund something useful, like a repeal of the cigarette tax, or a movie trilogy about how we torture people (more money there)?  The possibilities are endless.  Alright, maybe you can't see yourself sitting down for an evening to watch some random terrorist get tortured for the information he supposedly knows.  How about sitting down for an evening to watch some random terrorist get tortured for the information he knows... by Michael Jordan (or, for the ladies, Bon Jovi)?  You can not tell me that Tortured by the Stars doesn't have "enormous hit" scrawled all over it in the dried blood of the recently tortured.

We need information.  We need cash flow.  Torture gives us easy and "painless" access to both.  This problem is solved.