Problem SOLVED! Overcrowded Prisons

There are more people imprisoned in this country today than ever before.  As you might imagine, the reason for the overcrowding crisis is relatively simple:  we have too many lawbreakers, and not enough room to house them all.  As a result, the resources of the prison system are being stressed thinner and thinner, which leads inevitably to one of two outcomes:  either prisoners are released, or more money is thrown into the system to accommodate the steady influx of prisoners.  Both of these represent unacceptable results.

There are some who would attempt to head off the problem before it reaches the judicial system by legalizing some of the very things for which we have long been holding people behind bars, but this is also unacceptable.  We must remain principled in dealing with the criminal element in our society.  We can not cave to its whims as a matter of convenience, or simply because the crimes in question are "harmless" or "inconsequential."  Someone once said that rules are made to be broken.  This man belongs in jail.

Surely, there must be some method through which we can reduce the overall prison population while decreasing the net cost and holding fast in our righteous stance that all criminals, no matter how completely innocuous their crimes may be, should and must be subjected to long and damaging prison terms.

In the meantime, a sport that has been blossoming in our fine nation is seeing itself stamped out by animal rights activists.  I am speaking, of course, of the underground but completely legitimate sport of dog-fighting.  That is, it would be legitimate were it legal.  Since it is not, we have no choice but to support long and damaging prison terms to all involved, but we must acquiesce that -- ultimately -- what the market wants, the market will get.

So, we come to my recommendation:  under the jurisdiction of the penal system, we will allow the sponsorship of teams of prison fighters for the purposes of entertaining the public in general.  That is, benefactors will be allowed to, for a handsome fee, select a small kennel of prisoners to occupy their "stable."  The fighters will be selected based on all the reasonable characteristics one would assume would contribute to success in the violent arts, chiefly among them aggression, a fighting spirit and, of course, a strong bite. 

The sponsorship fees required for the ownership of a kennel will go toward the construction of a modest 15,000 seat arena, and the owner will reserve the right to replace from the general prison population any of his team who is maimed or killed during a fight, or for any reason is no longer able to compete.  The owner also will reserve the right to train his fighters by whatever means he finds most suitable to produce a lively and entertaining fight for all spectators.  It may be necessary, for instance, for an owner to electrocute or starve a fighter in order to coax from him the most rousing performance possible.

Since the attraction in question will serve mainly as a proxy for those dog-fighting enthusiasts who must avoid that sport for fear of incrimination, the prison fighters will be hobbled upon their inclusion in a kennel so that they must fight on all-fours and more closely resemble the canines they replace.  It is possible that you are saying to yourself that prisoners are not dogs.  If so, let me assure you that you are correct.  Prisoners are not dogs.  Prisoners are better than dogs.  With the human intellect in tow, these new four-legged pitfighters will be able to employ levels of strategy never before known to dog-fighting enthusiasts thus greatly enriching the experience for all in attendance.

Speaking of those in attendance, there will naturally be a nominal fee to view such a spectacle, and this fee will be fed directly back into the penal system, thus keeping the overall cost of imprisonment down and allowing the continued incarceration of all appropriate parties.  This ability to continue arresting and imprisoning anyone who breaks any law will in turn continually replenish the pool of available fighters.

You may not have once thought it possible, but I have outlined the perfect solution to our prison overcrowding problem; it is a solution that keeps cost down while keeping every criminal locked away.  It is a solution that results in the elimination of the most violent inmates while providing a steady source of income for the system to partially offset the enormous costs.  And it is a solution that allows us to maintain the once-thought-to-be-barbaric and therefore illegal practice of dog-fighting without placing any more friendly canines in harm's way.  It is the solution you have been waiting for, and I am proud to declare another problem solved.