Problem SOLVED! Iran

Iran is a huge country, and like seemingly all countries in its part of the world, it occupies a "key strategic location."  Functionally, this means that we want its people and its government to support our every thought and action.  However, while a significant populist movement has gained ground in Iran, anti-American sentiment still runs high -- for unknown reasons, of course.  Most, if not all, of the nation's governmental power is still held by the ruling mullahs, and not by the so-called politicians such as "President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, which I spelled correctly on the first try*.

Let's cut through to the real problem, though:  we do not have the manpower nor the resources to attack and occupy Iran, and yet if we do not attack Iran, there exists the possibility that -- once they start up their nuclear reactor -- they will use the byproducts to build roughly one bomb per year, any of which could be distributed to a terrorist organization through clandestine channels, which bomb could then be transported by unknown means (probably a briefcase, and possibly your briefcase) to the doorstep of your future children where they will be instantly vaporized by the byproduct of your craven negligence.

Of course, if we do somehow manage to cobble together the necessary implements to invade Iran, or if we simply decide to bomb them -- as we are fond of saying -- "back to the Stone Age," all of these things may happen anyway.  After all, Iran kept these nuclear plans secret for decades.  We may be fixated on the decoy.

Also to be considered is the case of Abdul Khan, the father of Pakistan's nuclear program who, to put it plainly, was in it for the cash.  Who's to say that he or somebody near enough to him to be near nuclear weapons hasn't already pawned off one of his/their nukes on a terrorist organization who lie in wait for our government to do something unprovoked and thus to, in the eyes of some, justify a vigilante nuclear retaliation?  Or who's to say that this exact same scenario couldn't play out, except through replacing Pakistani warheads with one of those which has been poorly guarded by Russia?  But I digress.

I have considered a number of potential solutions to this problem.  We could stage a mass deception in which we bomb Iran, but we paint the Pakistani flag on our planes.  This would likely cause the two countries to mutually annihilate, but in order for this to work, we'd have to leak to the world that the Pakistanis have developed the exact same type of planes we use.  It would take some convincing, and that has not been our strong suit recently.  Another option might have us forming our own proxy terrorist group through which we could carry out evil deeds with no direct links to our government.  Of course, those who've attacked us haven't exactly been cautious about ensuring that those they attack had direct government ties, so that plan would likely be pointless.  And a third plan, in which David Blaine makes the nuclear power plant disappear, has been ruled passé.

What, then, is the solution?  For a problem so complex, and staked with so many lives, surely the answer must be every bit as serpentine and troublesome as the trouble itself.  Fortunately for our future, it's not.

I propose that we deal with this problem the same way we've so far dealt with every problem I've written about:  we do nothing.  And I don't mean that we should negotiate with Iran, coddling them while maintaining a close eye on their program and thus mitigating the danger it could produce.  And I don't mean that we should tightly sanction them and and wait for them to react.  What I mean is that we should thoroughly ignore their existence.  We should erase them from our maps and textbooks.  We should utterly delete them from our memories.  It has been said that the squeaky wheel gets the grease... but what happens when the squeaky wheel doesn't get the grease?  Eventually, it locks up, and you throw it away.  You replace the wheel.  You don't indulge the old, breaking wheel.

Iran will become like the crazy, jilted ex-girlfriend:  they will call, and we will have our phones on meeting mode.  It's not like we don't have meetings.  We have plenty of meetings.  They will knock on our door, and we will never be home.  We have places to be, things to do.  Iran is like a jilted ex-girlfriend, right?  Uh... right?  Eventually, if we can ignore them long enough, they will stop.  They will go away.   As a side-effect, not only will this plan save money (like dumping your crazy girlfriend), it will save time (like dumping your crazy girlfriend) which we'll be able to spend debating the finer points of all the shitloads of reality television they're about to dump on our fat, awaiting laps.

And our problem will be solved. 

* Yes, please.  I would very much like a cookie.