Problem SOLVED! Eating Disorders

The eating habit of our youth should be a major concern for any thoughtful American.  Bulemia, anorexia and related disorders affect a sizable segment of our population, a segment that is growing in particular among newly image-obsessed young males.  While the layman may look at this situation and see a return of sexy (I personally heard it was back some time ago, though it may by now have left again), the educated mind knows that these disorders greatly increase the likelihood for serious related health problems, for instance:  death.  Or, alternately, they could herald more fiscally irresponsible health issues like heart problems, kidney damage, liver damage, loss of muscle and bone mass, a weakened immune system and other hospital-clogging illnesses and inefficiencies.

Of course, that is only one way of looking at it.  The health care and pharmaceutical industries, which are recruited to treat the various illnesses resultant from eating disorders, provide hundreds of thousands of jobs and account for untold billions of dollars in annual revenue.  The extent to which these jobs would be untenable and the total amount of revenue lost by the sudden return to health of every eating disorder stricken youth is unknown, but certainly there is substantial risk involved, and this must be taken into account.  One may go as far as to say that it would be imprudent to even attempt to help these people live healthy lives without first thoroughly crunching the numbers.  Given the vast amount of money the pharmaceutical industry pours into Washington, it might even be fair to say that, if eating disorders are eliminated, our entire system of government and thus our way of life may be in jeopardy.  

A friend of mine, who is an expert from Great Britain, has informed me that the elimination of eating disorders could result in a Mad Max scenario, except that instead of gas becoming preposterously valuable, the currency will be Tylenol PM gel caps:  the pain reliever that helps you sleep.  And which is totally safe and tamper-proof.  And which you can also use for muscle aches and as a fever reducer.  It's a wonderful product, really.

The beauty industry would also surely be affected by the sudden reversal, as the elimination of eating disorders would necessarily entail a sea change in our social interpretation of beauty.  Disastrously, people would be free to be who they are rather than who they could pay to make themselves on a daily basis, or alternately by costly (read: economy driving) surgery.  Without this money changing hands, thousands if not millions more would lose their jobs and would almost certainly be forced to sell door to door, interrupting your dinner time and delivering a deadly blow to the family structure.  If even that is not enough for them to provide for their own families, widespread looting and/or voting may next result, again throwing our government into turmoil and -- naturally -- making Tylenol PM gel caps the most sought after commodity in the country.  Now available in vanilla. 

In the meantime, while we're concerned about the amount of food we're not eating, there are people everywhere who actually need food.  Many drought wrought areas of the globe are in constant deficit of food, and we can theoretically use the food that the anorexic people aren't eating to barter with these starving people, hopefully coming away from the transaction with everything of value.  This would likely be primarily land, on which we can build factories to produce whatever we want.  Eventually those people will starve -- that much can not be avoided without irrational expenditures -- but not before we've taken them for everything they're worth.  Where some see strife, we must seize opportunity.

So, then, we must seek a solution that allows us to maintain the status quo while capitalizing on the helpless.  The problem, it would seem, is not truly a problem; it is a public relations issue, and if there's one thing we can do in this country -- and we can in fact do many things -- it's spin the shit out of something.

Here's the solution, then:  spin it differently.  Thin is in.  Remember a time when there was no such thing as "dangerously thin?"  Let's get back to those free-wheeling days.  Play up the fact that other people really want that food.  Make people feel guilty about eating for all new reasons in addition to all the image related old ones, you greedy, greedy fatty.  We need an advertising blitz that tells people not only how fat they are, but how selfish they are for wanting to eat.  Only in this way will we be able to exploit the situation from all angles.

There'll be no room for the weak nor the weak-minded in our brave new world.  Spread the word:  thin is back in, and this problem is solved.