The subprime mortgage crisis has produced mainly undesirable outcomes, not the least of which is an epidemic of empty houses -- houses which provide breeding grounds for crime and, in some cases, the homeless.  Fortunately, I've consulted with a series of experts who support my plans to see this problem solved.

Already embroiled in a conflict in Iraq, and dealing with the possibly resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan and the collapse of democratic progress in Pakistan, how are we supposed to deal with the nuclear pursuits of a nation three times the size of Iraq both in land area and in population?  Well, it's a problem.  Let's solve it.

This may seem trivial in comparison to the problems I've solved over the past few months, but the fact is that many people depend on the continued production of entertainment for their livelihoods, and billions of dollars stand to be lost as a result of production shutdowns stemming from this writers' strike.  Come inside and watch me crack this nut.

First, Hurricane Katrina hit, and the underfunded levees gave way under the increased burden of the storm, flooding much of New Orleans and stranding many citizens for weeks due to a slow governmental response.  Now, in southern California, firefighting teams are finding themselves pushed to the brink of exhaustion by the extensive and unpredictable flames.  Will the government succeed now where it has failed in the past?  If they follow my advice, then yes:  this problem will be solved.

It's flu season again, and that can only mean one thing:  old people are getting sick and costing us tons of money.  Fortunately, I have the solution, and all you have to do is reap the profits.

Early last week, the New York Times reported on a handful of Justice Department memos in advocacy of ways in which the CIA might act to deflect currently existing torture laws.  We have a serious problem with torture in this country, and it's time to solve it.

Nearly one out of ten American college women exhibit some symptoms of an eating disorder.  I'm going to ignore the fact that all of my unsolicited advice has thus far gone ignored.  It's time to solve this problem.

Slavery is back.  Maybe it never left.  No, it's no longer the chains and whips of our ugly past -- today's slavery relies on coercion and threats to force wageless or nearly wageless labor.  Just because it's not an outright kidnapping, though, doesn't mean it's not a problem.  And, by now, you should know what I do with problems...

You may not think that traffic is as serious a problem as those we've solved in the past.  According to CNN, you'd be catastrophically wrong.  Traffic is a massive and increasing problem in this country, where the average commuter spends 38 hours a year -- nearly a full work week -- being completely unproductive, sitting in traffic.

This week, I examine trade issues with China before solving once and for all the problems presented by the recent recalls of poisonous toys.  It is the only truly conscientious solution.

Thus far, I've been able to solve -- only in theory, until the powers that be catch on -- the AIDS pandemic and the troubled education system.  This week, I turn my mastery to the task of finding a solution for the rampant overcrowding in our prison system.  I believe you'll find it both entertaining and practical.

Last week, I used this space to successfully fix our troubled education system and turn the tide in the war on terror.  Much to my consternation, those with the ability to put my plans into action have apparently done nothing.  Though I feel discouraged by their inaction in light of my obvious genius, I feel compelled to nevertheless press forward in my goal of solving all of the world's major problems.  This week, I am tackling the great unpleasantness that is the HIV/AIDS pandemic.  I think you'll find my solution to be as elegant as it is profitable.

With the introductory article of our newest weekly feature, we explore the failure of the American educational system and assign blame to its appropriate corners.  But, with a name like Problem SOLVED!, you can probably guess that the point of this series will not be simply to identify major issues in today's world, but also to rectify them as efficiently as possible.  To that end, we proudly present the solution to the first of the many complex and difficult dilemmas inherent in our modern world.  We think you'll agree that -- if we follow our directions -- we'll soon see our problem solved.