Position: Impossible (8 Very Compromising Sexual Positions)

Warning: Double Viking is not responsible for any injury, death or dismemberment caused by the attempt of any of these positions. We will however, take credit for any wild crazy sex or orgasms that do. Thank you and always use your seatbelt.

The Bow and Curtsy 

They Say:

“The origins of this position go back to the Russian ballerinas and their habit of practicing nude in the Siberian tundra. If done correctly, a loud snapping sound will be heard at the climax of proceedings, signaling a well earned period of rest for both parties.”

We Say:

We thought this only happened after the standing roman chair position got too exhaustive and we were about to drop her. And that loud snapping sound at the climax of proceedings just might be your partner’s neck breaking.

The Snoop Doggie 

They say:

“It's full steam ahead with The Trawler, designed for those who cast off in rough seas. Use of the chair enables docking in even the tallest waves, but don't forget your life jacket - you never know when you might have to abandon ship.”

We Say:

Ok out of all the positions here, this one is the most feasible and the one we actually liked to do the most. We’re not sure what the boating metaphors are all about in the description of this one, but we were down to rock the boat. Just make sure the chair is sturdy or you’ll have a man (and woman) overboard.

The Incline Leg Press

They say:

“Who needs to spend money on expensive gym fees when you can get all the cardio-vascular exercise you need with this month’s position? Tone while you moan with this super sexy workout.”

We say:

Seriously? Now we’re working out while having sex? Should we be doing chores as well? Maybe my girlfriend can whip up a batch of strawberry jam while we're at it. We thought sex was the workout.  Nevertheless, good luck actually doing this one in real life. Small fries can skip this one too, as you need to be long-ish to get the job done. The concept is good but this position is lacking some serious practicality.

The Wheelbarrow

They say:

“Get into training for the new sport of naked wheelbarrow racing. An ideal game to play outdoors or with friends - on your marks get set, go, go, go!”

We say:

More training. Perfect, just what we wanted. The lady does most of the work though, and it actually wouldn’t be too bad if you had another couple to race. And if you’re into that sort of thing, when you get to the finish line you can swap partners and race back. Sore arms and a rush of blood to the head will ensue, so if she’s seeing stars after she collapses, it might not be from your “skilz.”

Deep Impact

They say:

“Sink down with The Submarine position this month and enjoy every moment of going in deep. With legs outstretched for balance, the flexibility of this position means it’s easy to gently rock from one to side to the other. Just be careful you don’t get sea sick.”

We say:

Finally we get a position for the lazy man (and woman). Once again we’re not too sure about the sea references, but it’s another one that is doable. And for all the foot-fetish freaks out there this one’s for you. If the action gets heated though, be careful or you’ll get a foot to the face. Try explaining that one to your friends. Never mind, as if you’re trying this position, it would probably make a good story.

The Triple Lindy

They say:

“Fly through the air with the greatest of ease … ok, so this month’s position is not for the weak hearted or any kind of weakness come to think of it. But if you can get off the ground then you’re heading for a decidedly pleasurable destination. Just remember to bend your knees when you’re preparing for take off or you may find yourself grounded for quite some time.”

We say:

This is obviously a variation of the standing reverse cowgirl, which is as difficult as it gets the way it is. At least even they acknowledge that this position is not for amateurs. Any women over a deuce shouldn’t be trying this either, as it takes Herculean strength and stamina. Very bad things can happen if this isn’t done correctly or if, well, you drop her. Rookies can start by having her support her weight with her arms on a bed, chair or dresser, instead of hanging on to his arms. Also, a Lindbergh-inspired name is such a boner-breaker. I keep thinking about how his baby was killed and that he was a closeted Nazi.

The Meating Chair

They say:

“The next time you walk into a meeting to discover there’s nowhere left to sit, simply take the initiative and ask a colleague to give you your very own place to perch. Alternatively, try this month’s position outside of office hours to avoid getting sacked.”

We say:

First off, we’re not sure where these people work, but if you can do this at your office, sign us up. We don’t even care what we have to do or if we get paid. Second, the expression on the cartoon guy’s face says it all. We didn’t even know a dick could bend that far and that way, let alone have sex while it’s bent that way. It’s good for the ladies if you can pull it off though.

The Distracter

They say:

“Never be faced with the dilemma of sex or football again with this position of the month. Simply combine the two - just make sure you get the right result for both players to avoid getting sent off.”

We say:

Like many of these positions, on paper this one is gold. But in real life actually pulling this off is anything but easy.  Again, you must posses the ability to bend your junk in unnatural ways and then have sex after you actually accomplish it. Another position not for the shorties, if you can pull it off you may have one other little problem. Take a look where the woman’s hands are in the picture. Somehow we think that if you actually got your lady friend to do this and tried to watch a game at the same time, you just might get a little poke where the sun doesn’t shine. But if you know any women that are cool with having sex while you are watching the game, don't bother with the position; just send them our way instead. You'd be distracted from the game, anyways...don't worry! We'll return her in a couple days.