TV Networks often brag about their accomplishments (they ARE run by rich, white a-holes after all). You'd be hard pressed to hear a single speech by NBC president Jeff Zucker without him mentioning the "fresh" NBC hit "Seinfeld" (now 10 years off the air). What the execs seem to forget to mention in their self-celebratory speeches are all the partial-birth abortions (or PBAs) their networks chose to dispose of on national TV in front of millions of viewers. Because for every "Show about nothing," there's a show about something truly awful. We'll break down the Cancel Pairings by network.
 

When asking almost anyone between the ages of 15 and 60 what the greatest sitcom to ever be broadcast is, you'll hear the answer "Seinfeld" ...most likely delivered in a terrible Jerry Seinfeld impression ("What's the deal... with all these questions?!"). Whether or not it is the best situation comedy of all time isn't the point; "Seinfeld" is an amazing show. Like, so amazing that I'd be shocked to hear that while performing "chubby stick maintenance," "Seinfeld" plot-lines and jokes didn't pop into your head between the mental images of a Carmen Electra pole dance and the memory of your hot babysitter taking a dump with the door open. Having sexual fantasies about "Seinfeld" episodes is the RIGHT thing to do. Because the show is so good it's fucking turning me on right now.

You know what's not turning me on right now (and in fact killing the already raging semi I was sporting after watching an DVR'd episode of "Work Out")? The shit-tastic 2002 NBC sitcom "Good Morning, Miami." For those lucky people out there who don't remember the show (which NBC attempted to get the public refer to as "GMM"), here's the breakdown: NBC was losing shows fast. The period from 1998 (when "Seinfeld" went off the air) to 2004 (when "Friends" and "Frasier" went off the air and "Will and Grace" was on its last leg) probably has some special nickname over in the NBC offices -- most likely something like the "De-feathering" or some shit, since they're the Peacock network.  

That period saw the series finales of shows that had high quality AND high ratings. The NBC brass (who were really more like copper than brass... ba dum, chik) decided at that juncture to pursue shows they thought would bring high ratings and left the desire for quality at home with their dignity and their lock-boxes filled with their "whore cash stashes." Enter "Good Morning, Miami," a show so obviously bad my 85-year-old grandma said "What the fuck IS this shit?" when it came on... which is a feat considering she was DEAD at the time (we resuscitated her, don't worry).

The premise of the long-since cancelled show is that a sharp, young producer (played by Mark Feuerstein) takes over the reigns of the lowest-rated morning show in America, the titular "Good Morning, Miami." There's nothing particularly awful about the premise except for the brain-melting fact that the entire show was based on the life of NBC president Jeff Zucker. That's right, he green-lit the ultimate vanity project -- a show based on his own fucking life.

That move, coupled with the idea to populate the show with lifeless corpses posing as "vivacious" actors and the nerve to eschew the need for "teh funneh," made "Good Morning, Miami" into a must-miss hole in the NBC lineup. Suddenly the house that Jerry and Larry built was being torn down by Hurricane Miami. Soon, a show Zucker must've thought would be anchoring Thursday nights ("Hey, it's based on my life... I know I'D watch it!") was sinking them. Seeing things weren't going well, Zucker acted fast.

And GAVE IT A SECOND SEASON! "No! We must finish the story-lines about my life! I want people to figure out how I became MEEEE!!!" Dude, that takes balls. Well, you bald asshole, thanks to your enormous vanity and the brain-rape you perpetrated on America at large, you made a show SO bad that it actually cancels out the success of "Seinfeld" altogether. You lost your "Seinfeld" bragging rights, NBC. As far as you guys are concerned, that shit does NOT exist. 

 

Next time: "The Moment of Truth" cancels out "The X Files."