Picking Up... While Your Flight's Delayed

There are only a few things in life more inherently frustrating than traveling by plane. Between getting to the airport, waiting to check luggage, finding the right gate and then being fondled by the always-jovial airport security, the last thing you need is an unexpected kick in the beanbag. So it would not be a stretch to characterize one’s mood as unpleasant, if you scanned the flight board for your plane only to see the word “Delayed” staring ominously down at you. For all intents and purposes, they should probably just replace delayed with a big picture of Nelson from the Simpson’s pointing and exclaiming, “Haaa haa!"

The most common reaction to this all-too common dilemma is to roll your eyes, shake your head disapprovingly and mutter words that would make Eminem blush. But, before you start sulking, bear in mind that what seems like just another tedious travel hindrance may actually be a blessing in disguise. You see, no matter where you are, there are women around that are ripe for the picking. It’s like I always say, when life serves you lemons, make a Gin & Tonic with lemon.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

There are many times in your life when you really don’t want to stand out. As opposed to a police lineup however, distinguishing yourself in the departure lounge is a definite advantage when it comes to scoring a broad. The quickest and best way to draw attention in this setting is to ignore your instinct to gripe and instead act like you haven’t got a care in the world. Smile, chuckle, smirk and not only will most women be intrigued by your refreshingly care-free attitude, but they’ll secretly be wondering what you have to be so god damned happy about. 

I should also make it abundantly clear that you shouldn’t act too happy, or everyone will think you’re either incredibly drunk or slow in the head. Just maintain a positive, up-beat demeanor and the groundwork will be set for approaching the woman who’s ninja slipper you plan on invading. 

The Investigation

Before introducing yourself to a potential mate, it’s important that you have some sense of what makes the girl tick. Check out her carry-on luggage, her attire and how she chooses to wait out the delay. This should give you an idea as to what type of girl you’re dealing with. A young lady wearing comfortable sweats with a knapsack is most likely down to earth and practical, electing to go with function over form. On the other hand, a girl that’s dolled up like she’s going to a club and carrying a Gucci handbag will probably require a more sophisticated approach.  

Is she sporting a laptop and briefcase? Is she reading "US Weekly" or The DaVinci Code? All of these subtle clues will help shed light on how best to initiate contact, and how to carry yourself once you’ve broken the ice. Remember, information is like ammunition, and by doing a little bit of reconnaissance; you’ll have all the firepower you need to prong that beaver.  

Breaking The Ice

As bleak as the situation appears, there are some ingrained advantages to being stuck in an airport. For one, everyone is in the same boat, which opens the door to a host of “common ground” conversation starters. You’ve both been stung by a flight delay, you’ll both get to enjoy the vomit-inducing airplane fare, and, most importantly, you’re both heading to the same destination. One word of caution, before you make your approach, it should be noted that it’s generally not a wise idea to interrupt someone who is reading, writing or talking to another person. The last thing you want is to annoy a potential partner by coming off as rude, pushy or a serial rapist. Use patience and discretion and wait for an opening before launching your offensive. 

Use the information you’ve gathered previously and combine it with a shared experience to craft your ice-breaker. Then, once you see an opportunity, make like Kobe and take it to the hole. As an example, if you’re trying to pick-up the comfort girl, try something along the lines of, “Hi, do you know if they’re serving food on the plane, because I was just debating whether or not to start looting through the trash?” Tailor your material to suit the perceived personality of each woman, and you’ll find it’s possible to be charming and slightly humorous without coming off as a pussy-hunting savage. You want to make it look like you’re conversing with a friend, not like you’re Louie the Lounge Lizard hitting on everything with a pulse. 

Silence Is Golden

Whether your introduction was a witty one-liner or just a comment on the weather, once the ice has been broken, you need something to keep the discussion rolling. This is an integral moment that can easily determine your success or failure but it’s also one that is easy to master. What is the one thing woman know most about? Themselves. Not only are we all experts on ourselves, it’s a proven fact that people, whether consciously or subconsciously, enjoy talking about themselves. Once again, the information you accumulated during the initial investigation phase will come in handy. Use that knowledge to pose a semi-personal, informed question to the woman and let her do the rest.  

Keep in mind, you don’t want to use a question that can be answered with a simple yes or no, opt instead for something she’ll have to put a little thought and effort into. Options do not include, “How would you describe the relative merits of shaving your snatch versus waxing it?” or, “Do you think it’s abnormal to masturbate more than six times per day?”

Lastly, make sure you pay attention to what is being said and how it’s being said. Remember, it’s all about information. so use the data she’s giving you to swing for the fences, and by "fences," I of course mean vagina. 

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Let’s assume your silky smooth moves have led to an engaging conversation with your new lady friend. You want to let her know that you’re “one of the good guys," but outside of blowing your own horn (so to speak) and coming off as a pompous jackass, how do you express it to her? First, you need to develop enough of a rapport that you can leave the scene, then return and comfortably pick up where you left off. If you’ve achieved this modest level of intimacy, tell her you’re going to the snack bar to grab a drink and ask if there is anything you can get her. Not only are you playing the role of provider, but you are showcasing the fact that you are a thoughtful and polite young gentleman. Don’t let the fact that you’re only acting this way to get into her pants affect your psyche in any way. This is a noble cause and you should be proud of your actions. 

Prepare For Landing

Regardless of how exciting the notion of “joining the mile-high club” may seem, trust me, aside from its near impossible accessibility, it is anything but glamorous (have you ever smelled an airplane bathroom?). Focus instead on a more plausible outcome, dirty, sweaty, angry hotel sex. With the magic of cell phones it doesn’t matter what city you’re in, a casual poke in the whiskers is only a phone call away.  

The key to closing the deal is in the details. If you have the chance to sit near or beside each other on the plane, jump at it. If you aren’t together during the flight, there will be plenty of time to finalize plans once you land. Use your manly attributes to help haul her suitcase off the baggage carousel and if you’re heading anywhere remotely close to where she’s going, offer to share a cab. Chances are she’ll be happy to have some company and if you’ve played your cards right, you’ll hook up later for a carnival of lust. To put the cherry on your first impression sundae, pay for her cab ride. As much as women enjoy equality, they are still delighted when a man shows his chivalrous side. Plus, you’ll be compensated with sensuous squeals later while tugging her hair and throttling her like a spider monkey.