Painkiller Jane Vs. Painkiller Jane

Kristanna Loken vs. Emmanuelle Vaugier

Tale of the Tape:

	Loken	Vaugier
D.O.B.	10/08/79	6/23/76
Height	5'11"	5'7"
Chest	34B (was)	34B (natural)
Waist	She won't tell	Neither will she
Hips	Again, trade secret	Does it really matter?

Heat Check (The Maxim Top 100):

We'd have given this category more weight were it not for Lohan's scandalous #1 ranking this past year. We have no idea where these guys are coming from now -- we think it's possible Miss Lohan somehow earned her spot, uh, extracurricularly -- but we're not going to let that totally invalidate past lists. Anyway, Emmanuelle Vaugier's high-water mark was #31 in 2006, while Loken ascended to an astounding #3 in 2003 thanks to her red-leathered role as T-X in Terminator 3.

Edge: Loken, but with an asterisk for juicing with Terminators.

Big break:

No surprises here: both got their breaks due to their looks rather than their acting talent. Vaugier first burst on the mainstream scene in 40 Days and 40 Nights followed by an extended guest spot on TV's Smallville as Lex Luthor's love interest, and from there she leapt to Saw II.

Loken started her acting career on the daytime soap, As the World Turns (yeah, we never saw it either), but got her big break when she was cast as the aforementioned Terminatrix. She then moved on to play the title character in BloodRayne (which was probably the worst movie we have ever fast-forwarded through just to see some tits) which helped her land her current role as Jane.

Edge: Vaugier for her superior acting skills in spite of Loken’s nudity.  But it doesn't feel right.

Quotations:

Loken:

"I have dated and have had sex with men and women and have to say that the relationships I have had with certain women have been much more fulfilling, sexually and emotionally, than of those with certain men... I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that's just the way it is. That's what makes my wheels turn.”

Vaugier:

“I was an Anglican schoolgirl – my family was Catholic, but the school was Anglican. I wore a navy blue sweater and a plaid, pleated skirt. We’d hike up our skirts really short and wear boxer shorts underneath so we wouldn’t get in trouble. It was a big thing getting cute boxer shorts. At Christmas you’d get little Christmas boxer shorts; everything had a theme. So there was an upside to going to an all-girls school. Not a big upside, but at least there was one.”

Don't get us twisted. The image of Vaugier as a Catholic -- er, Anglican -- school-girl fighting the system by hiking up her skirt is a beautiful one. But, on the other hand, Loken does chicks. This is a no-brainer.

Edge: Loken by virtue of a girl-girl kiss and her love for the guys and ladies. Not even a contest on this one.

 

Shoe size:

Normally, guys are concerned about their own shoe size and what that implies, but this time it matters for the ladies. How’s that you ask? Consider that Vaugier measures in at a paltry 6 ½ while Loken ponies up with a whopping size 12, and you might see the red flags involved.  Big foot has got nothing on Loken; any woman with feet bigger than ours (but not by much, thank you very much) scares us a bit, and not in a good way.

Edge: Vaugier

At the end of regulation, we've got a tie and, as it is in the NHL, ties will not be tolerated.  It’s time for the overtime shootout:  a best of three, head-to-head contest of random trivial shit to decide a winner. Let’s begin.

Loken’s shots:

1. She enjoys baseball, photography, reading and dancing.

2. Some of her favorite movies are: The English Patient, Full Metal Jacket & Apocalypse Now (full redux version).

3. She made out with Pink at a night club (October 12, 2003) and is a proud bisexual.

Vaugier’s shots:

1. The five words Vaugier would use to describe herself are:  easygoing, dorky, fun, organized and outgoing.

2. She is of French ancestry and grew up in a French-speaking home

3. Emmanuelle enjoys listening to '80s music

Winner:

Kristanna Loken, three shots to none. We seriously tried to find better “shots’ for Miss Vaugier, but, when it comes down to it, baseball beats organizational skills, Vietnam War movies beat Frenchiness, and there's that bisexuality thing again. We’d rather head down to the pub with Loken any day, even though her voice is a bit manly, she's taller than us and has bigger feet. That all falls to the wayside when lipstick lesbianism is involved. We have a winner.