Nifty First Dates

Real-Life Murder Mystery

If you plan on letting this girl into your life, you gotta be sure she can solve mysteries.  Why?  Because who the hell else is going to help you find the Marquis of Valor’s hidden gold?  Not your sidekick Armando; he is a fucking moron.  No, you need a helpmeet — check your Bible — to carry supplies and disarm booby traps. 

To evaluate her aptitude, set up a real-life murder mystery.  Now, I’m not suggesting you kill anyone:  that would be wrong.  However, if you were to exchange a few thousand dollars — don’t worry, when you find the Marquis’s gold you’ll think it was worth the investment — for a type of "service" you could find on some illicit web sites, I wouldn’t tell.

Start the date off in a back alley in the bad part of town.  You turn a corner and — wait a second, is that the body of her college English professor?  How did this happen?  You tell her assertively that you have to get out of there, but she’s intrigued.  That’s when she sees the note written on his bare chest in his own blood:  “So dark the con of man.”  She hasn’t seen or read The Da Vinci Code, so you’re in luck.  You give her a nudge — Madonna of the Rocks — and then your plan is initiated.  Your contact in Paris has already set the plan in motion and hit all of the high points:  the Swiss bank, the crooked “friend”, members of Opus Dei milling about, etc.  Now all you have to do is hop on your private jet and fly her to Paris and see if she can figure out it was the albino guy all along, and for some reason Mary Magdalene’s bones were underneath the pyramid.

Shooting Rats at the Dump

This girl better be a crack shot.  Given the fact that you’re usually on the run from seditious cabals from across the spectrum, you need a girl at your side who will be able to pick off one or two while you put on a bullet-proof vest and arm yourself with your laser nunchucks.  Armando, yet again, is no good in situations like that, which is why you need a girl at least ¾ as kick-ass as you are.

The best way to assess her shooting ability is to take her to the dump at dusk and wait for the rats to come out.  Be aware, though, that some women are afraid of rats.  If she is one of those women, you might as well just turn the car around and leave her there.  She’s of no use to you, and her weight is cutting into the gas mileage of your Porsche way more than the trunk-mounted rocket launchers ever did, even with a headwind.

It’s important to know whether or not she can stare death in the eye and refuse to blink, so start her off with a slingshot so she has to get right up into the rats’ faces.  After that, give her progressively more powerful weapons until she’s picking off rats from 150 yards with a night-vision-enabled sniper rifle.  As the dusk turns to complete darkness, take her in your arms amid the piles of dead rats and kiss her deeply and passionately, for she is way better than Armando.  She’d never let you get popped in the shoulder by a ninja star while she was making Easy Mac in the office microwave.  Are you getting this, 'Mando?  You are one fat and lazy asshole of an excuse for a sidekick.

WARNING:  She may be a member of the Black Snake Cabal, and if so she’s going to be planning how to kill you while simultaneously plugging rats left and right.  Sneak a peek at her exposed left shoulder, looking for the Ouroboros tattoo.

A Trip to the Zoo

There’s nothing women like more than cuddly creatures, so it’s important to know whether or not she’ll snap a meerkat’s neck for looking at you threateningly.  That being said, what better place to go for a first date filled with fuzzy fun than your local zoo?  It will not only be fun, it will also present her with situations just like you’d encounter in the Cambodian jungle while searching for the secret base of the Cursed Lotus Mafia.  At the zoo, however, everything is under controlled conditions and there are concession stands for buying ice cream.  The zoo will give you a chance to see if she’s got what it takes both mentally and physically. 

The first thing you want to do when you get there is “accidentally” fall into the seal tank.  Pretend to hit your head as you fall in and float in the tank pretending to be unconscious.  When she jumps in to save you, allow her to lift your head above the surface; but, once she does so, get a wild look in your eyes as if the knock on the head has triggered a psychotic episode.  Swim up to the closest seal, preferably one playing blissfully with a beach ball, and club it over and over again with the blackjack you had in your jacket pocket.  She’s bound to have one of two possible reactions:  on the one hand, she might grab your arm and stop you from beating the poor seal to death.  THIS IS THE WRONG REACTION.  She has to trust that you know what you’re doing, even when you’re in the middle of a breakdown.  The other reaction she may have is to start in on another seal with the brass knuckles she keeps on her key-chain.  As you both stand triumphant over dead seals, you’ll know that she’s only looking out for the best for you.

Once you’ve paid the zookeepers to keep quiet, shuffle off towards the gorilla enclosure.  As you both look down at the majestic creatures, give her a nudge over the edge and watch to see if she positions her body so that she doesn’t break any bones — something, may I add, that Armando just can’t do.  How many times have you had to fight the Order of the Ebon Hand by yourself just because he busted his arm jumping from a rooftop to a helicopter, or sprained an ankle after being thrown onto the hood of a car because an explosion’s shock-wave gave him a 55-inch vertical leap as he ran away after detonating some C4?  Don't answer that, it's rhetorical.  At any rate, once the woman’s down in the gorilla cage, watch how she utilizes the terrain and her ability to create complex tools in order to fend off the large silverbacks looking to mate with her.  If they succeed in mating, be sure to leave quickly, since she’s no good to you now.  However, if she is able to fend off the beasts, call in a helicopter and a rope ladder to pull her out so that she and you can go back to the love cocoon and do some metamorphosing. 

****

We know that the dating world can be tough for a guy like you, so we hope these innovative first date ideas will be helpful.  Please feel free to send us suggestions for the next installment of our series about helping you, “How to propose to her while the Black Snake Cabal is in the treetops shooting poison darts at your neck,” coming next week.