NBA 2007 Playoff Preview: Round One

Eastern Conference

Detroit vs Orlando

OVERVIEW: Rocky versus Drago, David versus Goliath, Nicole Ritchie versus a Big Mac. The reason they play the games is because huge upsets can and do happen. For an upset of this magnitude however, Orlando is going to need a full-on Copperfield, Houdini and Sigfried & Roy black magic orgy. Hell, they need Baby New Year (aka Grant Hill) to somehow find a plutonium powered DeLorean and send back the 1999 version of himself. Even then, the Pistons are probably too deep and too talented to beat.

PLOTLINES TO WATCH: Will Rip Hamilton be sporting “the mask”? I’m pretty sure the mask doesn’t actually serve any real purpose, unless it frightens the Europeans, however if Hamilton wears it for three more games, “the mask” will officially surpass the record of Cowboy Bob Orton’s arm cast for the longest fake injury apparatus ever.

OUTCOME: The only chance for Orlando is if Darko has bottled up three years worth of pine-riding frustration which finally spills out, morphing him into Teen Wolf. Then he uses a scary voice to demand a keg of beer from Tayshaun Prince. Possible, but highly, highly unlikely. Pistons in 5.

Cleveland vs Washington

OVERVIEW: So the Cavs end up winning the “beat-up, shell of our former team” lottery, and draw the hapless, injury depleted Wizards. The moment Agent Zero went down, it was like a steel-toed kick in the pills to the entire team and they are still trying to catch their breath. Add on the Butler injury and the Wizards are like a vodka soaked widow, ripe for the picking. Lebron will be super fresh after only exerting himself for roughly 28% of each regular season game and the cross-eyed assassin Donyell Marshall will prove to be the x-factor coming off the bench bombing 3’s.

PLOTLINES TO WATCH: The most interesting aspect of this series will be the over-under on how long LBJ spends chewing his fingernails like a jittery squirrel.

OUTCOME: Unless Harry and his Hogwarts crew can conjure up a healing spell for the Hibachi, the Wizards go down like Kim Kardashian, hard and fast. Cavs in 4.

Miami vs Chicago

OVERVIEW: The Heat have been up and down this year more often than Anna Nicole Smith’s bedsprings. Luckily, their combined playoff experience makes Chicago virtual rookies. Because of that, (and the return of Flash), many experts are taking the seasoned Heat to win but I have a hunch the Bulls’ physical style of play will take its toll on the weary bones and achy joints of Shaq, Zo and the Glove. The biggest difference in the series is at PG, where Hinrich shows “the Oven” Jason Williams how the position is meant to be played (J Will is the Oven not for his propensity to heat quickly, but because he is a turnover machine).

PLOTLINES TO WATCH: After going down 2-0 in the series, Pat Riley takes a leave of absence, but returns when Miami ties the series at 2. Shaq wears a headband to taunt Ben Wallace, but takes it off in a plea bargain with the Bull’s arena manager in return for them not playing any more clips from Kazaam on the jumbotron. Luol Deng admits he made up the name of his hometown, “Wow, Sudan”.  Alonzo Mourning finds out his wife is really a man.

OUTCOME: A hard fought battle and perhaps the best match up of round one. The series hinges on the refs, who, being very conscious of the abuse they received all year regarding a parade of seemingly “pro-Wade” calls in last years playoffs, put their whistles away and “let ’em play”. Bulls emerge in 7.

Toronto vs New Jersey

OVERVIEW: The big story is of course Vince Carter’s return to the town and team he sabotaged a few years back. VC went from “half man, half amazing” to “half man, half vagina” in a matter of weeks, but I guess that’s to be expected when you constantly whine, give up on your team, tell your opposition what play you are going to run out of a timeout in the final moments of a game, and refuse to give even a moderate amount of effort to the employers that are paying you millions. Are Toronto fans still bitter? You bet your momma’s boy, band-geek ass they are.

The problem is the Net’s pose a significant hurdle for the Dino’s to climb over. With 2.5 legitimate superstars on the team, New Jersey has more than one guy that could potentially take over a game. Luckily, once refuted Russian mobster Rasho Nesterovic fouls Wince hard on a drive, he’ll settle for fall away jumpers for the rest of the series.  There might be a problem inside for Toronto as the human Bobble-Dread Mikki Moore has played well in recent meetings, but let’s not forget he is still Mikki Moore.

I call this the “Amaechi Series” for the Raptors, as it should be Bosh & Co’s coming out party, considering it will be the first time all year they’ve been televised nationally in the US.

PLOTLINES TO WATCH: Vince Carter is such a pussy, the sweat moppers at the ACC replace their squeegee’s with giant tampons to sop up all the menstrual fluid he drips under the hoop. Joumana Kidd gets detained at the border thanks to her spousal abuse record, while their mongoloid son TJ is also kept out because his head won’t fit across the border gate. The other Kidd’s are so ugly they aren’t allowed to leave the house. “Spliff” Robinson disappears after flying out to BC after a game to find “some killer bud”.

OUTCOME: Wince Carter is less effective after straining his labia in game 2, and the Raptors’ focus on teamwork carries them past the Gnat’s, errrr, Net’s in 6 games.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

Dallas vs Golden State

OVERVIEW: Okay, I’ll admit it. I have no idea what or where Golden State is? Do people pee on each other in this state, and if so, why doesn’t R. Kelly live there? The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter because they aren’t going to be around very long.

The Warriors must feel like Rodney Dangerfield as nobody outside of their immediate family is giving them any respect, or a chance to win, despite the fact that they have yet to lose in their last five meetings with Dallas. So why is everyone sold on the Mavs? Probably because they have a potential MVP and the potential 6th man of the year. Throw in the “Cuban Factor” and you’ve got a recipe for playoff success.

PLOT LINES TO WATCH: Disco Dirk pleads with owner Mr. Cuban to fly in David Hasslehoff to sing the national anthem. Cubes finally caves, and as the Hoff hits the high note during “Red Glare”, Dirks lets out a small bit of ejaculate in his compression shorts. For Golden State, the captain and ring leader of the all-crazy team Stephen Jackson, attempts to pull out Jason Terry’s still beating heart at mid-court.

OUTCOME: Much like seeing Sam Cassell in HD, the Golden Child gives Dallas a scare, but the big German and pals scrape into the second round on the wings of two buzzer beaters and some solid Hoff-ian mojo. Mavs in 6.

Phoenix vs Los Angeles

OVERVIEW: The only certainty in this series is that the bad blood between the teams will only be equaled by the bad defense. What we have is basically Kobe against the Sun’s, or the worst one on five since Jenna Jameson starred in “The Pole-Her Express”. Last year, the Lakers came within a short and curly of knocking off the heavily favoured Sun’s but this year the only drama will surround Kwame stealing a kids birthday cake from Chuck E Cheese. Kobe may win one or two on his own, but Nash, Stoudemire and Marion bitch slap the Zen Master back to Hollywood.

PLOT LINES TO WATCH: Kobe elbows Raja Bell in the throat, shattering his larynx. The Black Mamba feels shame, calls a press conference and buys Raja a diamond ring to apologize. Steve Nash invites Nelly Furtado to sit in the front row, except the next day she is inexplicably linked to Luke Walton in the press. Nelly responds by shaving her head.

OUTCOME: The Lakers are outclassed and once again Kobe proves there is a huge difference between being the best player in the league and being the most valuable. Suns in 5.

San Antonio vs Denver

OVERVIEW: When the Answer was finally dealt to Denver, everyone speculated how much better or worse the Nuggets would become. The truth is, we still don’t know. The Spurs meanwhile, continue to be the spectacled accountant of the NBA. Primarily unspectacular on offense, solid on defense, and right down to their captain, boring as all hell. The only interesting thing about this team is what Eva is wearing court side, and hopefully it includes make-up because without it, the woman is a goblin. The series boils down to fundamentals against flash and as Billy Hoyle will tell you, fundamentals always win.

PLOTLINES TO WATCH: Tim Duncan gets a technical foul for chewing too loud, Bruce Bowen covers Melo so tightly he gets a VD from La La Vasquez and after being introduced to the dish by Tony Parker, Iverson gets a giant tattoo of poutine on his back.

OUTCOME: The Answer gives Melo his first lesson in Ballin’ 101, you need to turn it waaaay up in the playoffs. Powder blues in a shocker, Denver wins in 7.

Utah vs Houston

OVERVIEW: A healthy T Mac and Yao spell trouble for the young Jazz squad. McGrady is a bitch like his cousin Vince, but Yao will finally prove to be an almost unstoppable force, unless you’re a midget like Nate Robinson.

PLOT LINES TO WATCH: AK-47’s wife makes him a new deal. He gets to tap three random pieces of fur per year, up from one, if she’s allowed to get her hands on Yao’s “great wang of china”. Derek Fisher realizes he still can’t shoot, takes up bocce. After being locked out of their video room, the team decides to watch game tape off Rafer Alston’s forehead.

OUTCOME: The Jazz owned Houston all year, but if the Rockets can stay healthy, they should be too much for the Jazz to handle. If either Ming or Mac go down however, it’s Utah’s series to lose. Rockets in 6.