My Fake Mom

My mom is a physical therapist. Okay, make all your “your mom gives erotic massages!” jokes now. I’ve heard ‘em all before. But in addition to oiling and lubing up men’s penises (as opposed to lady penises?), she specializes in helping musicians and athletes. She’s in the middle of writing a couple books, one in particular for golfers called “Yoga For Golf.” I know, this is all such fascinating information, right?

Well, a few days ago my mom asked me to google her to see if there were any mentions of her on hospital websites or musicians and sports blogs. “Okay,” I said. I did. I said “Okay.” Then I googled her name (Cathy L. Kaiser). Did I find any of her more famous clients discussing her therapy techniques? Nope. Did I find hospitals gushing about her fantastic healing powers? Naw.

I found my fake mom. You see, there’s another Cathy L. Kaiser. As you can see from her Writer’s Net homepage, she’s a writer/artist based out of Phoenix, AZ. Interestingly enough, she also writes about Yoga. What?! That’s insane, right?

Funny enough, my dad lives in Phoenix, and when I forwarded him this OTHER Cathy Kaiser’s webpage, he jokingly said, “LOL I thought I moved to Phoenix to get away from a Cathy Kaiser! Please Help Me!” Yes, he wrote LOL. He’s 61, in case you were wondering.

But the funny part about my fake mom isn’t the coincidence. That’s like, heh, tee hee, funny. No, the funny part of my fake mom IS my fake mom. She’s fucking hilarious.

First off, there are two wildly different pictures of her online. The first one, I’m guessing the older of the two, shows her in cut-off jean shorts and an Arizona shirt. She’s looking rather dykey (no offense to lesbians) and she’s got a splotch of dark brown hair. Yum! She’s also standing in the middle of the dessert and has an “ I live in my car, in the middle  of the dessert” vibe.

Then, the probably newer picture shows a smiling (though still tubby) woman with light brown, strawberry blonde hair, a rather “fashionable” blue top and some makeup applied to her cheeks. She’s no longer in the dessert…honey’s got a posh looking pad with a swimming pool now. She came up, what what! 

 

No matter what, neither versions of my mom look like my mom.

Then let’s move onto my fake mom’s artwork. She dabbles in painting , sculpture and digital art. But her alltime favorite medium to work in is photography. And not just regular photography, but pictures of fire.

“Huh?” you’re probably thinking. Well, let’s head on over to “fire collection” section of KaiserCreations.com. What my fake mom does is start fires, then photograph them, then she pretends the fire looks like real stuff…like birds!

Or Ghosts!

Or Deer!

Sure, these fire photos sort of, kind of look like the stuff she’s saying it looks like. That doesn’t diminish the fact that my fake mom is out of her fake fucking mind.

She also, as I mentioned above, claims she’s a writer. She in fact claims she’s a PUBLISHED writer. I find that awesometastic because the few writing samples she has online are positively hilariously bad.

Check out a sample from her article on pet care:

Can your dog be loved too much by the treats that is made for dogs? Can you love your pet too much? How can you love too much, anyway? Giving your dog an extra treat or part of our food, truly loving them or spoiling them, does it honestly say, "I love your Betsy?"