Microsoft Vista features

Increased copyright protection!  You and I are both sick of getting stuff for free instead of contributing to the "Save Tom Cruise and Metallica from a Life of Wandering Panhandling" fund.  That's why Microsoft has stepped up to the plate, making piracy more difficult and helping the government patrol something it would have never otherwise had the resources for.  Suri Cruise can finally rest easy in the knowledge that she'll be financially secure... unless Apple has it's way.

Search for your data!  Unlike in Windows XP, which forced you to laboringly open a search window before searching for something, Vista reads your mind and immediately opens the file you're thinking of.  No, it doesn't.  But you can totally find stuff now, even if you're a complete idiot.

Fig. 1

Show off your collection of DaVinci originals!  Bill Gates bought a 72 page collection of Leonardo DaVinci's notes -- known as the Leicester Codex -- for $31 mil in 1994, and then demonstrated the power of Vista by showing people pictures of the notes on a computer screen.  Finally, we can all share our priceless DaVincis with our friends without them getting chocolate all over the fucking place.

Create new folders!  Forget the old folders, they suck bullshit.  When you make a new folder in Microsoft Vista, it says "New" next to it, and that means it's good.

Fig. 2

Browse the web!  In color!  Remember when you had to imagine what color those nipples were?  Well, welcome to the future.  With Vista, you'll be able to "surf" the "web" without all the racist overtones of a black and white output device.  The world is in full color, and so is Microsoft Vista.  Except for me, because I am colorblind.

Fig. 3

Dramatization of "web" "surfing" on lame Windows XP

Lose $400!  Hey, I was going to buy health insurance, but I'd much rather spend $400 on something that seems to be working fine.  Microsoft scrapped plans to show you your virtual wallet in light of the fact that it will always be empty.

Fig. 4

The scrapped prototype