Man Up Your Woman

Sports

Getting your woman to watch sports -- instead of whining that you’re watching sports instead of some ball-shriveling ‘romantic comedy’ -- is a big job for any man. But some days you just don’t want to go to the sports bar with your buddies when you could sit directly next to a microwave in your underwear.  

If the bitch is even touching your remote, you are no longer a man and all hope is lost. However, if she respects that the only buttons she’s allowed to click are her own while she masturbates beside you at halftime, this fairytale may have a happy ending. First, be prepared to explain the rules. A woman will not be content with blind ignorance, so be prepared to explain how many innings she has to wait before snuggletime. It’s even worse than watching a movie with her in a sense, because she has new questions about every commercial in addition to those about the main event. Explaining the rules may take time, but it will be worth it in the long run. She may actually begin to care about the outcome of the game, although her cheering may be skewed towards whether or not someone knocks down the hot quarterback. You might also have to work your way up to football from basketball from soccer. As with all things, getting her drunk helps.  

You can also pick opposing teams and bet oral sex that yours wins. This could be an idea we all try out. 

Meat

Yes, we’re talking steak, not man-meat. If your lady is vegetarian, or always wants a cupcake instead of man food like cheeseburgers or the blood of the innocent, or -- worse -- only eats salad and weighs too little to give you a satisfactory spanking, then it’s time to lead the woman to her destiny. Strong women make strong lovers, and possibly strong babies, and a girl who doesn’t identify with your hunter-provider side might realize she may as well be a lesbian and take those painting courses with people who care about her feelings. Before she learns to respect herself, teach your lady to grill. This will at once make her eat meat and allow you to sit on your ass while she’s cooking! The perfect harmony of sexes is reached. If she doesn’t think grilling you a burger is romantic enough, you can always strew tidbits of steak up your treasure trail and watch her start lapping up dinner. Last resort? Rim the edge of your steak with margarita salt and tell her it’s just like doing shots:  something that, if she went home with you, she must be good at. 

Getting Ready

For going out or just for having sex, women seem to take an awfully long time. It’s all, "Do these earrings match my purse?" and, "No, I said THERE, right there, don’t you ever listen to me? You think I’m an object don’t you? You think I look fat, don’t you?" The basic strategy in all cases of hurrying her along is answering correctly at all times. The more answers you get wrong, the longer the argument will prevent you from getting yours. Avoiding answers is the same as telling her she’s fat, or that you do have feelings for her best friend, and will actually lengthen the process instead of speeding it. Therefore, you cannot guess ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ even with the 50/50 chance of accuracy. The risk is far too great. Unfortunately, the solution is listening.  Gaging your responses by her tone of voice can be a fine test of courage, until she catches on. 

Appearance

Cut her hair off so she can’t spend an hour blowdrying it every morning. Remove all cosmetics from the house by claiming no one looks at her face anyway. Bras take too long and also cover her nipples, so they go too. Finally, allow her exactly what you have in your own closet and no other. You may have to fight her for the ninja turtle shirt, but the bonus is she’ll never wear underwear. Every time she trips over her too-big pants, tell her she needs to eat more meat. Eventually she’ll give up and work from home at a webcam paysite, which is what real men need from their women anyway. 

Having Sex

You know how you get in, get off, get out? No foreplay ahead of time, no cuddling afterwards? No questions in the middle besides, "Who is your daddy?" If you wish that your lady friend were as strategic as you in manners of lovemaking, it may be time to man up your sex partner.  

Begin by removing half her heart and most of her brain. Glue hair to her chest and a large cucumber (unless you’ve been on ebay and have more sophisticated equipment) where her penis should be. Next, turn around. Congrats! You have manned up your woman!