Friday Night

Okay, it's on.  Weekend time.  But before you start partying with naked chicks, you're gonna have to have some dinner.  And what's manlier than a big-ass burger?  But the burgers served at today's fast food and casual dining restaurants?  They're for pussies and everyone knows it.  Man Up your burger by collecting the following ingredients:

1. One pound bacon.

2. One pound ground beef.

3. One Harley Davidson Softail motorcycle.

4. One pound American cheese.

5. One propane-fueled grill.

6. One bun the size of your fucking head.

7. One pack of cigarettes and a book of matches.

First cook up those dead animals, but make sure the beef is really bloody in the center.  Then put the beef, bacon and cheese in the middle of the bun.  Puncture the bottom of the propane tank and allow the gas to leak out while you eat your burger.  Then get on the Harley, light a cigarette, and throw the match towards the propane leak.  As you speed away from the inevitable explosion, think about how awesome that burger just was.  Bonus points if you do this while jumping the Harley over the Grand Canyon.  Bogus points if you cook this burger on a Foreman Grill.  Instead, use the Eric "Butterbean" Esch Grill - it TRAPS the fat in the meat, giving you a flavor experience that's worth dying at 40 for.

Saturday Morning

Wake up early and go hunting.  Don't bother getting a license or anything - a real hunter doesn't need a license or legally acquired firearms.  Head down to your local Woods with a bunch of ripe, stripper-vag smelling fish and put that shit in a clearing.  Wait in the perimeter for a big-ass bear to show up and then shoot it.  Don't shoot to kill, though, just graze it enough to put it into a rage.  Then jump out into the clearing buck-ass naked and take that bear down the way our forefathers did - with your bare hands.  And naked for some reason.

Saturday Afternoon

Call up a few buddies and go to a baseball game.  There is no single better excuse to drink tons of beer during daylight hours than going to a baseball game.  There are a few things to keep in mind, though, or your sporting experience could quickly evaporate into a puddle of douche.   

• DON'T go to the game shirtless with letters painted on your chests.  A bunch of guys hanging around bare-chested getting drunk is not manly, it's a fucking Michelob Ultra commercial.

• DON'T bring a glove, because this article isn't called "10-Year-Old-Boy Up Your Weekend."  Besides, if you're a real man you catch baseballs barehanded, the way 19th-century star Richard "Thick Dick" McCutchen did for the Providence Wifebeaters of the now-defunct Federal League.

• DO buy extra beer over the first six innings so you'll have some left for the last three.  And while we're on the subject, DON'T be the designated driver - we're, like, legally obligated to say that you should have one, but it shouldn't be you.  Being the designated driver - which everyone should do from time to time, because it's very important and driving drunk is totally irresponsible - is for gays.  There, I said it.

Saturday Night

It's definitely time to hit the bar.  But what bar is right for you?  It's easy to make a bad call - you don't want a bar that caters too much to women, but you don't want a bar so macho that it engenders a prison culture.  You can usually identify a bar that splits the difference well by its name.  You want something Irish, but not too Irish.  If a bar is called "Flaherty's", that's good.  If it's called "Pat O'Flaherty's Lucky Charms Pub", stay away. The bar should have darts, pool, or a televised sporitng event, because without one of these three staples, it's nearly impossible to gamble. 

The important thing to remember about Manly Bar Conduct is that there are rules, but any of them can be broken if the breach results in your getting laid.  Dancing, shying away from a fight, ordering a Smirnoff Ice - any of these otherwise egregious man-sins is permissible if it results in an increase in penile humidity.  But remember, if you do any of the above without bedding a filly, the DV staff will personally visit you the next morning and invert your penis into a mangina with our fists.

Sunday Morning

It's time for church, Bro!  But not any old church - you're going to one of those backwoods Tennessee snake-handling churches.  There's no manlier way to prove you love Jesus than grabbing hold of a pissed-off poisonous snake and yelling at it for being the devil.  Sure, these churches support a strict, literal interpretation of the Bible, forbid alcohol, and require their female members to wear ankle-length dresses at all times - and we mean ALL times - but at least it's not all fruity like being a god damn Unitarian.  SNAKES!

Put that shit in your Bible and smoke it.

 

Sunday Afternoon

Celebrate a manly weekend well-done by renting Rudy.  Everybody knows that Rudy is the only acceptable reason for a man to cry.  But did you also know that watching Rudy at least once a year reduces your risk of prostate cancer by 40%?  Or that Rudy totally syncs up with AC/DC's Let There Be Rock?  Or that the director's cut of Rudy features a totally hot lesbian sex scene?  The bottom line is, Rudy is the manliest movie there is that contains zero (0) explosions.  Give it the repeat viewing it deserves and remember that you, too, could one day sack a scholarship quarterback.

Your weekend has been Man'd Up, duder.