Man Up Your Wedding

1. The man in question remains in complete and total denial until he wakes up one morning in a tuxedo with a ring in his pocket. Goes on to father five children in a similar manner, and eventually dies of a massive heart attack at age 38. 

            Or… 

2. The man in question subsequently realizes that he has somehow stumbled upon the single greatest and luckiest windfall of good fortune in his miserable, Chips Ahoy!-filled existence, and comes to the conclusion that he absolutely needs to get this ignorant woman into a lifelong and legally-binding contract immediately, before she eventually realizes how much better she could do. The couple will live blissfully unaware until the apocalypse. 

For me, it was the latter, and four years later, nobody seems to be the wiser for it. In fact, I quite enjoy being married. I get to drink at home without feeling like an alcoholic, there’s no time wasted at bars and parties trying to pick up random women who may or may not be teeming with some sort of as-of-yet-unidentifiable disease, and you don’t have to buy each other any gifts on special occasions. It can be a far-sweeter deal than you may have been lead on to believe in the past. 

However, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. The big wedding date is still arriving, and it’s usually traditional for the groom to step aside and let the Missus plan out each and every angstrom of the ceremony with a veritable entourage of friends and relatives. This is normally done because the bride has been dreaming of this day since she was five years old and has absolutely no intention of having you stumble in with your pants around your ankles and ruin it, and also because the groom couldn’t give two damp shits about anything even remotely concerning it. 

Well, I say that it’s time to buck up, take control and let your opinions be heard. As a man, you have a 50% stake in everything that happens on your wedding day (and probably 90% of the bill), and I’m here to give you some helpful tips and suggestions for how to make your Bachelor Funeral just as awesome for you as it is for her. So, sit back and Man Up! 

1. Insist Upon WWE-Style Entrances.

For most normal people, this is about as close to being on a big stage as you’ll ever get (besides bowling), so make the most of it. Get Michael Buffer to do the introductions, and don’t skimp on the pyrotechnics. Depending on if you want to be a ‘heel’ or a ‘face,’ sneer at or high-five the crowd as you see fit. Have relatives bring signs that either support or disapprove of the marriage. Hit your future father-in-law with a folding chair; anything goes. 

2. Pick The Most Brutal Location On Earth.

Women have become extremely unoriginal with their wedding locations. The courtyard of an art gallery, a botanical garden, crap like that. I say, go all out and be a trendsetter. You know for a fact that you’ll be hot, uncomfortable, hot, miserable and hot on your wedding day, so pick a place where everyone that attends will be able to feel your pain. I’ve heard that Death Valley is beautiful this time of year. Also the precipice of Mount McKinley shouldn’t be too crowded in July. A boat tour to the subterranean base of Niagara Falls only costs about 15 bucks; ponchos are included! 

3. Just Up And Fucking Ruin It.

Before you settle into an eternal routine of vacuuming and microwavable dinners, now is your chance to get away with everything you think is funny that your future wife cannot stand. Breakdance down the aisle. Do that Family Guy impression that you’ve been working on for the entire length of the vows. Piss your tux (you don’t even have to wash it when you return it to the store). Just remember, it’s your day, too; you have every right to be just as happy as your fiancée, or failing that, you have every right to make her just as depressed as you are.