Man Up Your WardrobeBy Erik Amonson on June 04, 2012 - 8:00 am |
You think that tank top makes you look manly? Think that leather jacket’s working? It isn’t. We teach you how to take your lame fashion choices, birth a turd on them, and then, appropriately, MAN UP YOUR WARDROBE.
Don't let the fashionistas fool you. Clothing is not an art. Fashion is not a career. And Capri pants are not fucking pants. If you are a man who owns Capri pants, burn them. If you're wearing them right now, consider your punishment light. The purpose of clothing is to have a purpose... and to keep you from coming off as a dickbag who can't help pandering to whichever girl he's trying to impress today. If you follow this guide, no further effort will be needed. Everyone you encounter will be more impressed with your clothing than by anything you're likely capable of doing while wearing it. So, take everything in your closet that doesn't have paint or blood-stains on it and rip it up for use as future tourniquets. Let's get to work on what you should be wearing.
The next few times you buy potatoes, save the sacks. When you find someone who can sew, tell them they need to make you a shirt and pants from the burlap, or you'll rub it all over their bodies. Then, put on your burlap clothing and rub it all over your body. That's some abrasive shit, no? Wearing burlap around everywhere is a beacon to the world of men that you will not bow down to the fragility of your skin. If anybody asks if it's uncomfortable, just say, "Well, it was. Before I got the callous." And it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy, because -- as you can imagine -- you're going to have to develop a full body callous to endure this clothing. Your nipples will bleed for weeks, but make it your business to see this through. When it's over, and you're comfortably wearing your burlap outfit, you'll be able to kick back and laugh with your new friend: the Indian gentleman who shot you in the chest and stomach with four arrows.
Let's be perfectly clear. I'm not talking about wearing some camo shorts, or a camo tank-top, and pretending you're some sort of urban warrior and calling it a day. That's patronizing, and if you're half-assing your camouflage in that manner, you should allow the person nearest you to repeatedly hammer-punch your clavicles. Just don't do it. What you should be shooting for is full body camo with the goal of blending in entirely with whatever environment in which you plan to lurk that day. Get a few sets: greens for forests and jungles, browns for deserts, and whites/blues for polar conditions. If you can think of another place you'd like to secretly exist, figure out the color scheme for your damn self. I'm not Issac Mizrahi. Uh... I don't even know who he is. I made that name up, and if it happens to be a fashion designer, then I'm just that fucking good. The point is, you should be hidden, not just paying lip service to the fact that other people are actually wearing camo for its intended purpose. And think about all the shit you'll be able to get done when nobody's able to find you for their incessant "conversations." Get some face paint to complete the ensemble, and you're ready to roll.
Shoulder Pads on the Outside of Your Clothing
You know, at first blush, it would seem that wearing shoulder pads might be some sort of compensation for your weak-looking shoulders. In reality, though, the purpose of shoulder pads is to make you look meaner when you're having a brawl while riding a motorcycle. They're not just for road warriors anymore, though. These days, a good set of extra-clothing shoulder pads can set you apart from the pack as someone who seems like they're ready at any time for a brawl to erupt on the highway between rival motorcycle gangs, even if in reality you're a software programmer whose idea of "bad-ass" is when a video game release date gets moved up. Shoulder pads make you look like you're ready to rumble. They say to your enemies (so you don't have to), "Listen, bitch. If I fall off my motorcycle onto my shoulders, I'll probably die by some means other than shoulder injuries. Knowing that, do you still want to fuck with me?" The answer is probably, "Please, no."
As you're probably already thinking, there's a right and a wrong way to do this. If you're wearing animal skins and you look like you could be the long lost member of the Village People, you have stumbled upon the wrong way. If, on the other hand, you look like you just maimed a sabre-tooth tiger, but perhaps were maimed yourself in the process, you're on the right track. The keys are fur and patchiness. Leather is generally unacceptable, but strips thereof can acceptably be used as thread to stitch together your ragtag assortment of animal skins. The only other catch is that you must kill all of the animals yourself, and you are not allowed to use any weapons that the animal could not conversely use to kill you. In other words, you'd better work on those one-punch kills, fellas. It'll be worth it.
Again, no half-assing will be tolerated. For this to work, you must cover your entire body in armor, head to toe. None of this chain-mail you made yourself while you played D&D. As a matter of fact, if you've ever played Dungeons and Dragons, cross this option off your list. You'll have to make do with the remaining options. Also, if you at any point while wearing the armor set foot on the grounds of a renaissance fair[e] or a Medieval Times restaurant, not only are you no longer a man, but your existence ceases entirely. Sorry, no exceptions. The reason you should add armor to your wardrobe is quite simple: it's extremely heavy. To that end, you want your suit to be tournament graded, which means it should weigh in around a hundred pounds. While you're wearing it, show off your physical prowess by running every flight of stairs in a tall building, or by doing a Tour de Stade, or the grueling activity of your choice. After that, you will be dead, and there's nothing more manly than a dead man in a full, heavy metal suit of armor.
This is by far the manliest item you can add to your wardrobe. But I want to be clear that in no way should you become a nudist, so don't overdo it. Your birthday suit should be a special occasion outfit that you break out as nonchalantly as possible at any particularly formal event, just to show everyone what you think of their norms, not because you're some idiot who thinks they're too smart to wear clothes or that nudity is actually the default clothing choice for a species with such precious little body hair. You should at no point acknowledge your nudity -- that's just not gentlemanly -- but be sure to draw attention to it through indirect means. Complain that your balls seem to be sticking to everything today. Ask people if they're cold, or if it's just you. Throw a party with too few chairs, and then offer people a seat on your lap. When the first person agrees, you'll know that you've been successful in your quest to MAN UP YOUR WARDROBE.