Man Up Your Wallet

Step 1: Is my current wallet manly enough? 

Don't even remove the contents, just throw it out a window. Get yourself a trashbag to hold your money and shit. A garbage bag tells people "I don't have time to deal with bullshit that prevents me from finding more rum."

You're welcome. 
 
Wallet Manliness Apex Age 27: It was free when I signed up for a mystery interest rate credit card. 
Wallet Manliness Apex Age 47: You use it as a pillow but now its starting to smell like "Just for men" and orange Datsun backseat. Why did you even get married?

Step 2: What's the color of a manly wallet (garbage bag)?

Age 27: Black, like the stuff you cough up after a coke binge. 
Age 47: Black, like your ex-wife's heart. 
 
How can a grown man pull out a wallet thats blue, or pinstriped or anything that isn't the no nonsense symbol of pain and isolation that is black leather. I'm not even sure people are legally allowed to take you seriously. Especially because there are only two places people should see a man's wallet: bars and hospitals. Bars to pay prostitutes in advance, and hospitals for higher class prostitutes. 
No excuses pussy.

Step 3: Where do I get a new one? 

Age 27: Drunk, online auction, way overbid. You're really spending a lot man. 
Age 47: From ex-wife's new boyfriend who is a wallet salesman, mug him in the parking lot. 
 
Wallet Shopping sounds so dainty and contrived, why don't you make a day out of it and pack some finger sandwiches and butt plugs? Ideally you don't go shopping for one. Proper wallets are passed down by grandfathers who were in 'nam, found in a urinal at the bus station, or ordered from a Marlboro catalog. Worst case scenario if you have to get one in a store you best pray to jesus that a little boy in Kuala Lampur was beaten while making your wallet.

Step 4: What items are wallet appropriate? 

Here's a handy diagram:

Don't hang onto receipts, thats what audits are for. And please, if you have to have photos, keep it to sexy cars and expensive strippers, no family ... unless they are classy strippers. A wallet should reflect the soul of a man, sad, loads of debt and utterly alone.

Step 5: Throw your new wallet away 

They are no longer manly. Throw yours in the trash and get a money clip. 
 
Age 27: Its easier to fake your own death than come back from bankruptcy, burn the wallet with your wordly possessions, move to a new town and settle down with whoever sleeps with you first. Bend a spoon handle into a money clip. 
Age 47: Throw it in an irrigation ditch before the cops figure out it was you who mugged your ex-wife's fiancée. Get a second money clip for your bus passes and night watchman id. 
 
Congratulations, you're slightly more manly. 
Receive +2 Man-ness