Man Up Your Vampire Slaying

Killing vampires used to be a man's job, stakes to the heart, decapitation, desecration by fire, all that takes balls. But with the advent of your Buffy's, your Swedish art house vampires, and your Twilighters the genre has gotten away from its roots and so has murdering them.

Vampires have gone from a woman's ultimate rape fantasy to openly gay in just under a decade. And even though there's nothing manlier than a hate crime, you still have to be careful when killing them. Make the execution as manly as possible because pussification doesn't exist in a vacuum. The problem can easily spread to the vampire hunters themselves, a once noble profession still practiced in Bulgaria, only now they call it "Capturing and selling runaways into the sex trade."

Rip Out Their Fangs With Your Bare Hands

Extremely dangerous and difficult therefore it is manly. This can be achieved by smearing yourself with the blood of a virgin. The fresher the better. The scent will make them go into a frenzy and charge at you, and they sure as shit wont expect you to go for their mouth. I don't care how undead you are, dental trauma hurts. In their culture I imagine losing your teeth is analogous to castration, sure you're supernatural but you lost your key vampire tool. That would be like Clint Eastwood in a movie without a gun. Without the gun he goes from old badass to just old.

3 Foot Garlic Strap-On

Its long, hard, and doesn't take no for an answer. I don't know how you're going to go about convincing a lady vampire to consent to this one, other than seduction and surprise, so you might as well forgo the consent.

For the boy vampires, well... 3 feet and a sharpened tip should be enough to get from point Anus to point B, the heart. Unless of course Yao Ming has become a vampire, in which case forget it you're done.

What Would Ash Do?

If you think I'm talking about the 14 year on Pokemon who is constantly struggling with his sexuality, then do I have some disappointing news for your parents. The rightful owner of that name belongs to the greatest anti-hero of all-time who just so happens to be in the greatest movie of all-time: Army of Darkness. Anytime you're wondering if you're doing something manly enough, just ask yourself, "What would Ash do?" For example, here's how you check if your target is dead: "Is it alive?"

Evidenced there at minute 1:57 that one long haired pussy was about to just touch that she-monster, not Ash, he's too manly too fall for that.

 

 

The other main lesson from Ash is one liners.

The only thing manlier than a good one liner would be if you could shit testosterone in pure rock form. You don't need to be prancing around trying to spout witticisms like a Ryan Seacrest. Avoid puns, and save 'em up for when you do something manly and cool, like kill a vampire with a Camaro that's filled with hammers.

Impregnate Someone While Hunting Vampires

This is really more of a precaution, and there's nothing manlier than being prepared. Hunting vampires is fucking dangerous. Half the time you're hopping rooftops, and the other half you're probably someplace else battling pit traps and tetanus. Impregnate someone on the hunt and then die, your progeny will be marked with the blood rite to continue the cause. Or they'll just grow up shitty because they didn't have a dad.

Short of spontaneously impregnating someone (felony) don't forget you can freestyle the manliness: eat a steak, punch a magician and ejaculate onto a foreman grill. The world is your manly oyster.

 

 

Dealing With Everyday Vampires

You are most likely to run into a vampire role player than a real vampire. This distinction can be made by their obsession with disappointing their parents, and disdain for their mortal enemy: having a job. If these tools want to live in a world where they are hunted down and stabbed in the heart, then as men and gentlemen we should oblige them.

The highest thing these role-players can possibly achieve are a series of felonies: Real life fake vampire

A big "Man Up" to the great state of Florida, because its certainly noble to pump lethal injections into that kind of fucktard. However we all know that is not how you kill a vampire.