Man Up Your Transportation

Some Don’ts 

Before we get into things that will man up your transportation, you should be aware of some vehicles that defy nearly all attempts to man them up. 

Rollerblades- They may make you look a few inches taller and they’re moderately faster than walking, but you’re still only a pirouette away from figure skating.

Razor Scooters- They will amuse, but not genuinely attract women.  Also, they’re more effort than they’re worth going uphill.

Segways- Sure, our hero GOB Bluth rode one, but what was his catchphrase again?  Oh yeah, “I’ve made a huge mistake.” 

Your Car 

So you’re well-off enough to own a car, but not well-off enough to truly pimp it?  Well here are some easy, cheap guidelines:

No more than two bumper stickers.  The fewer the better, really.  Being concise stands for something.  You want people to see your car and say, “That car is classy.  That car is the strong silent type.  That car is the Gary Cooper of Dodge Shadows.”

Air fresheners draw attention to your car’s odor.  Those little green pine trees that dangle from your rear-view are only reminding people that something nasty is there and it’s being covered up.  Imagine walking into a restaurant that has mouse traps all over the floor.  It’s the same principle. 

Your Bicycle 

Opting for two wheels rather than four, eh?  Your choices are either to find the least lame (i.e. the least bulky but most protective) looking helmet possible, or go all out and wear motorcycle gear... alternatively, if you're not a pansy, you can just have a tough skull.  If you go with the motorcycle attire, think about a leather jacket and a full mask with a flip-up face shield.  You’ll look ridiculous on your Schwinn, but DANGEROUS at the same time.  Also, your face will be completely hidden, so no one ever needs to know it’s you. 

Public Transportation 

Good for you; you’re reducing carbon emissions by riding public transit.  The downside is that it’s much harder to pick up women on a bus.  There’s sort of a “creepy guy” stigma about sidling up to women riding the bus and making perfectly normal, noninvasive advances. Solution: Figure out some way to make them come to you.  For example, have a fake conversation on your cell phone in which you talk about how you can’t wait until your Jag gets out of the shop.  Remember, she’s sick of riding the bus just like you are.  A man on the verge of getting his car back is a good catch.  Admittedly, if anything comes out of this meeting, you’ll eventually have to come up with a story in which your Jaguar is stolen and never recovered, but for an opening line it’s not bad. 

Planes 

Aside from the obvious joining of the Mile High Club -- or commandeering the above pictured F-22 Raptor -- there’s precious little you can do to man up air travel.  Just take a nap. 

So with that, I hope your daily trudge and holiday travels become just a little more comfortable, and most of all, more manly.