Man Up Your Tan!

Shave, moisturize,  shave, moisturize,  shave!

Hair is the enemy, fellas! Leaving hair anywhere on your body, save for your head, is a mistake the inexperienced male tanner will soon live to forget. Hair prevents sunlight from reaching your skin, which can not only cause some truly awkward tan lines assuming your pubic hair is bushy enough (ewwwww!), but makes the process of tanning generally much more difficult and time-consuming than it truly needs to be.  

Additionally, don't forget the importance of moisturizing and softening your skin whenever possible; tanned skin can get dry and crack, turning you from Brad Pitt into Don Knotts in a matter of weeks. And nobody wants that, do they?

Watch that face!

Never ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER tan your face. EVER. Facial tanning prematurely ages the skin at a horrifying rate, causes peeling, and just looks odd (have you SEEN Kim Cattrall lately?). If you tan the rest of your body, your face will naturally come to match (or at least appear to match) the rest of your body; if you actively try to tan your face, however, it'll just turn into a shriveled, red, flaky mess of flesh and melanin.

Which is gross!

Tanning beds are NOT a guaranteed thing!

Firstly, you can get SERIOUSLY burned if you stay in a tanning bed for even a few minutes too long -- that heinie of yours won't be medium rare (as the modeling agencies want it), it'll be well done. Not only that, the intense proximity of tanning lights to the flesh can (obviously) increase the risk of skin cancer, and prematurely age you like you wouldn't believe. 

Also, tanning beds can get costly over a long period of time, and many expert tanners, myself included, feel like tanning beds are sort of a "cheat." A tanning bed can give several hours worth of natural tanning in a few minutes, diminishing the process -- no, the art -- of getting a legitimate tan. REAL men get their tans naturally: through the sun and/or artificial tanning spray.  

The spray ain't gay!

Spray is fast, and easy, and fun! Spray tans can't give you cancer, they can't burn you, they can't do lasting damage, and using them is kinda like putting on makeup (come on, guys -- who hasn't wanted to just wear a little base or rouge now and again on bad days?), which is always a cool thing :) .

With spray tanning, you can shorten your daily workout and self-care regimen down by a few hours. Personally, I prefer to spray some stuff on in between my freeweight exercise sets: I do my pecs, then I spray some on, then I do my triceps, spray some on, rest, do some stretching, and repeat. Spray-tanning can act like a fun, neat little reward for finishing exercises! It's the dessert of tanning methods -- the strawberry shortcake of increasing skin pigmentation, if you will.

Tanning is a 24/7 JOB!

Don't you dare assume that tanning is just a little thing you do every once in a while. Don't you DARE! Tanning is a full-time, permanent, 24/7 job in every sense of the word; you have ALWAYS gotta be looking out for your skin, regardless of where you are.

Going outside without a hat? Be sure to protect those eyes, unless you wanna get cracking around the eyelids which can lead to crows feet. Get some big, thick sunglasses -- Hollister brand work pretty well --  and keep those babies affixed to your eyeballs at all times. They also help lend an air of mystery!

Heading to the beach? Be sure to wear the shortest shorts possible, so as to reduce the size of the tan line that will invariably arise.

Every situation in everyday life must be re-evaluated by the master tanner; the true tanning heroes are willing to sacrifice many aspects of their lives in order for a browner, more beautiful body. Other, less important men may mock or abuse you for your determination in getting a tan, but who cares what THEY think?! YOU are the one who will have skin as dark as burnt sienna. YOU are the one who will get the modeling contracts.

YOU are the real man. THEY are nothing.