Man Up Your Street Fight

Get in the fightin' mindset

Far too often these days, fights become some sort of chivalrous metaphor for honor and dignity in a dishonorable world. Since mankind has been fighting since the dawn of time, a lot of unintentional street fighters get in the mindset that by showing respect and deference to your foe, you're connecting with some ancient and better way of living. This is stupid, and will get you killed.

Fights are about destroying your enemy in any and every which way you can. Fighting isn't about proving yourself to be a better person, or doing the right thing -- it's about hardcore violence, and only hardcore violence. Don't get into a fight thinking you'll get out of it without a scratch -- you're not Spike goddamned Spiegel -- but instead understand that you are going to get really, really, really fucked up no matter what and the best you can possibly hope to achieve is that you'll beat the other guy just a little bit worse than he'll beat you. Once you understand that you're going to get punched, and that it's going to hurt, you'll be much better equipped to cause ridiculous amounts of harm to a perfect stranger.

Remember the power of the elbow

Here in America, we love fistfighting. Most street fights aren't really street fights -- they're bare knuckle boxing matches. That in mind, feel free to throw your opponent for a loop by shooting a few elbows at him. Apart from being painful as fuck (see: Ong Bak), the old "elbow to the face" maneuver is quick, relatively painless for the aggressor (unless you hit your funny bone, which would be so ironic that you'd both probably have to stop fighting for a second and just share a good, hearty laugh), and totally unexpected amongst western brawlers.

Be careful, though: while an elbow to the forehead can be a truly noteworthy weapon, it can also leave you really open to counterattack. If the other guy is planning to fight you in a typical fist-heavy style, he'll probably be going for face shots as much as possible. If you swing your elbow out too far, or raise it up high so you can smash it back down, then you'll be leaving your face open to attack for longer than you really wanna. Only resort to elbows when the guy won't be in a position to counterattack, or if you really wanna look like a badass.

Insanity and drunkenness are the tools of legends

The most useful tool in winning a fight comes not from the fists, but from the mind. If you can scare your opponent into thinking you're the craziest, most vicious, most downright evil motherfucker alive before you even throw the first punch, you've already won. The human mind is a wonderful thing -- it can strengthen you in your time of need, or utterly destroy your self-confidence given the right images or sounds. Since we're trying to exploit the latter in your opponent, all great fighters need to learn the virtue of acting like a crazy, murderous drunk for as loud and as long as possible before the actual fight commences.

Even if you aren't actually drunk (though given the fact that the vast majority of street fights occur outside bars, you probably are), you've gotta pretend to be. People know that drunkards are hard to take down because they can't really feel pain in the way a normal person can -- if your opponent thinks he's going to have to spend an extra ten minutes wailing on you just so you'll fall down, he's already been a little disheartened.  Once you've got him thinking you're sloshed to the point of pain-immune unpredictability, start acting batshit insane. Scream loudly, jump around, and -- this is most important -- hurt yourself.

I'm serious. Start clawing at your own skin until you draw streams of blood from your arms. Tear your own hair out. Punch yourself in the jaw. Rip off your shirt and begin cutting esoteric symbols into your chest while shouting Ozzy Osbourne lyrics. If you do it right, and you don't overplay the craziness, your opponent will be fucking mortified of you before the fight even starts. "If he's willing to do that to himself," he'll think, "what the fuck is he gonna do to me?"

Pace yourself, though. Just in case he sees through your facade of angry murder and still wants to fight you, you've gotta have some degree of strength and mobility left with which to defend yourself. Don't cut your own tendons, is all I'm saying. 

Cheat often, and cheat well

As said earlier, street fighting is not about honor -- it's about victory and dealing violence. Unless you're surrounded by a crowd of people made up entirely of your opponent's best friends and/or family, then you've got no reason whatsoever to play it fair. If he doesn't cheat as well, then fuck him -- he obviously didn't want to win badly enough.

You can put a roll of quarters in one hand or something, but my personal favorite method of cheating requires you to pour Tabasco sauce on your hands. Upend an entire bottle on your knuckles, then spend the entire fight trying to get some in his eyes. If a punch ever connects, he'll be momentarily blinded and will give you the opportunity not only to wail on the rest of this body, but also stick your fists into both of his eyes and more or less blind him for the rest of the fight. 

Oh, Tabasco sauce -- is there anything that doesn't benefit from your inclusion?

Do NOT use moves from Street Fighter

I mean, I get it. You're in a real-life street fight, your natural inclination might be to borrow some combat moves from everyone's favorite fighting game, Street Fighter.

Trust me, though: don't. 

It may sound ridiculous, but in high school I saw more than a few arrogant nerds and jocks alike get their shit positively wrecked because they tried too many goddamn uppercuts and roundhouse kicks. I know it's easy to do a shoryuken in the game. I know. I understand. Just don't try it in real life. Even if it connects, it won't hurt that much (uppercuts are painful, but they're not the end-all be-all of any fight), and if it doesn't connect, you'll look like a complete idiot who tried to look cool and you'll leave yourself totally open for torso-rape. And please, please, please don't try any fancy shit with kicking. Unless you've had proper martial arts training, your average kick will probably be really, really slow. And when I say slow, I don't just mean the other person will be able to dodge your leg and quickly counterattack you; I mean they'll be able to grab your leg and either thrust it into the air, pulling your groin muscles and sending you tumbling to the ground, or they'll hold your leg with one hand and punch you in your now-defenseless testicles over and over and over. And then you lose the ability to reproduce, just because you tried to look cool.

In fact, just don't worry about looking cool at all during a street fight. True street fights are started over stupid, violent, drunken arguments and should therefore consist of stupid, violent, drunken fighting. Flashy stuff almost never does as much damage as a reliable-but-unattractive punch.

Again, just remember: you're going to get hurt very badly, it's not going to look cool, and your only goal is to hurt the other asshole more than he hurts you. Once you abandon all socially-constructed illusions of honor or flashiness, your street fight will be a whole lot easier... not to mention a whole lot manlier.