Man Up Your State Of The Union Address

 

 

 

#1 Don't Blow Kisses. Dude, we caught that. When Bush introduced subway "hero" Wesley Autrey, the two exchanged blown kisses. Good goin' bro. I don't care how many subway cars this guy hid underneath, shooting each other a hot fantasy smooch on national TV is a no no. You should've brought him in for the real thing.

 

#2 Where are all the explosions? You're supposed to be the populist president, the popular guy on campus who doesn't study, right? So why all the long winded big words? You know people don't listen to words. You should've set off a few smoke bombs and m80s in the joint and when people hear the explosions and see the smoke, they'd shit themselves. That's your cue to scream into the mic: "Terrorists, GET YOUR STINKIN ASSES OUT HERE!" Then, you shoulda hired some guys, maybe some of your Saudi friends, to come out there and WWE style rumble with you. When you single handedly clean like ten dudes' clocks on Live TV, your approval rating would've shot through the roof.

 

#3 No More Suits You USED to know the score, big man. You didn't wear suits...you threw on a cowboy rig, had a shotgun by your side, squinted into the camera and said "Bring it!" But now, you're all pansyied out with your little Bushie Wushie coat and tie. You're a loser and you're despicable. Here's what you SHOULD be wearing...

 

 

That'd be hawt.

 

#4 Declare War On The Aliens Seemed to work in ID4. No one is gonna object to a war on the aliens, because if they did, that'd mean they were a pussy ass alien themselves.

 

#5 With Saddam Dead, It's Time To Take On Noriega. Get all of your dad's old enemies out of the way, broheim. I'm with you there. I put all four of the guys giving my pops trouble in the grave (the mailman, that police officer looking for the mailman, the mailman's brother and my grandpa). Now it's your turn. Sure, Noriega is in jail for life with no chance of leaving. But as long as he's still breathing, the vendetta lives on. When people ask you why Bin Laden is still free, just tell em straight up, "My daddy didn't have a problem with him...so neither do I." Nuff said.

 

#6 Announce A Draft If They Don't Vote For Another Republican President. Nothing more manly than blackmail, my man. Tell people straight up...if you vote Hillary Clinton into office, during the period after she's elected while I'm still around, I'm drafting all of you bitches. Lower the minimum age and raise the maximum age and threaten to send every man, woman and child 13-82 to Iraq unless they vote in a republican. Now that's manly.

 

#7 Change up Your Intro Music? Tyson had "Mama Said Knock You Out!" Rocky had...the Rocky theme and Eye Of The Tiger. You need something like that, some blood pumping, get the fuck ready sort of tune. May I suggest "Bitchez Aint Shit" by Dr. Dre, featuring Snoop and Daz? It's the hidden track on The Chronic and when it comes on, the dudes at my frat go wild. We love that fuckin' song. I think America would love it, too. So it's settled. Snooop Dogg!!

 

Stick to the script, duder, and you'll be manly as an adult diaper filled with hamburger meat...man, that's manly.