Man Up Your St. Patrick's Day

#1 Man Up Your Abbreviation of St. Patrick

Saint Patrick?  No real man goes by the full name "Patrick," except maybe Patrick Bateman from "American Psycho", and he had to kill a guy with an axe to make up for it.  And the most common abbreviations, "St. Patty's" or "St. Paddy's" are straight up bitch names.  I'm pretty sure that if you called the real St. Patrick, "Patty", he would kick your face in and fill you with snakes, and he was a Saint!  Acceptable names include, "P-Bones," "P-Tricky," "Clint Eastwood," or "Fisty McThroatpunch."  Really, any Saint could be proud of those names.

#2 Man Up Your Beverages

We know you want to drink green beer.  And by all means, go ahead and drink it.  If you're a half-man.  If you're a sucker.  If you're too weak to man up and go all out.  If not, gather up all the food coloring you've got.  Put all that shit in your beer.  Everyone else will be all like, "Oh, look at me, I'm so crazy with my green tongue, I must be a drunken Irishman."  And you'll step up like, "Tonight, I'm only drinking used motor oil."  Gulp it down proudly.  If someone discovers your ruse, simply produce your real can of used motor oil and drink that.  Now you're ready to man up your bar's sink, toilet, bathroom door, three tables, your friends' legs and the bouncer.  If you manage to avoid discovery, you'll be shitting black for a week, and that.  Is.  Hard.  Core.

#3 Man Up Your Denigration of the Irish

Just because it's their day does not mean you have to stand down.  And if you are Irish yourself:  just because it's your day does not mean you should stop hating yourself.  It's Irish tradition.  Now then, everyone knows that an Irishman's favorite food (aside from green beer) is Lucky Charms cereal, a tradition that dates back to St. Fisty himself.  But the average Irishman is not trying to hear that.  That's why you have to make him understand.  Every conversation you have with any Irish person should be based entirely around their beloved cereal, it's marshmallows, and it's lovable mascot, the Leprechaun, who was the first President of Ireland (do not leave that part out).  If a giant brawl breaks out, don't worry:  that's just how the Irish make friends.  You should also wear a "Fight Me, I'm Irish" T-Shirt, just in case someone wants to exclude you from the Irish fun.

#4 Man Up Your Drunken Shambling

Anybody can get drunk, stumble home, fall down a few times and bleed a little on their sheets.  A little girl can do that.  A gay baby can do it.  I've seen it.  He was my son, he was two, and he died, but that's another story for another holiday (Easter).  The first thing you have to do to man it up is to dress the opposite of what the weather suggests.  I mean, if it's cold as hell outside, you must be naked.  If you're living on the equator (you're not), we need plenty of layers.  Ultimately, there's nothing manlier than taunting death for no reason.  No matter what the weather, though, swimming at least partway home is a must.  River looks too shallow/frozen to dive into from the bridge?  What are you, Greg Louganis?  Be a man and defeat that eighty foot drop like your daddy taught you.

#5 Man Up Your Hospital Visit

The test of whether you've had a manly night is where you wake up the next morning.  If it's anywhere but a hospital, you're a girl.  If you remember anything, you're a girl.  And if you allow that IV to stay in your arm, you might as well get fitted for a girdle as soon as you get out, because buddy, you are an old lady.  IVs are for the weak, and you're not weak, are you?  Hells no.  Rip that needle out and threaten the doctor with it.  Tell him what you know he wants to hear:  you will not be requiring his services any longer, because for men, time heals all wounds, including that huge gash on your face, the broken leg, and the brain damage from when you tried to jump off a bridge and landed on the concrete abutment below.  And if it doesn't heal, so what?  You'll have some mean looking scars, and thinking is for candy-asses.  Sounds like a successful St. Clint's Day to me.