Man Up Your Rainy Day

 

MAKE YOURSELF SOME MAN SNACKS

Drizzle and gray skies usually translate into ice cream, chips and take out. While that's perfectly fine grub for a well balanced breakfast, it's not the manliest of meals. That''s cuz real men eat scary and preposterous things, like live eel, barbecued rattlesnake, or cock. I mean, uhm, chicken stock. Never cock.

Anyways, the key to having a manly rainy day snack is keeping something insane waiting in your freezer for when the rain hits. Snake, buffalo and other assortments of wild animal meat is a good start, but if you'd like to REALLY think outside of the box (get it, since you're a guy, you think outside of the box AKA vagina), you'd go the extra mile towards preposterousness and stock up on RECALLED MEAT.

There's no truer test of your manliness on a lazy Saturday afternoon than eating pounds of expired and infected meat. If your system can handle the extreme hit that high dosages of e. coli and other parasites found in fecal-covered meat, then you're a real red-blooded American male. Because REAL MEN are impervious to both death and disease.

PLAY SOME MANLY "PARLOR" GAMES 

Rainy day activities normally range from card games to Twister. Now if you're a true blue man, others will know not to play cards with you thanks to your absolute dominance. And unless you've got six naked chicks on hand (which you should), Twister is kinda gay. So it's time come up with some new Rainy Day activities.

"Pin The Stuff On The Neighbor": It's much like the classic children's game but rather than pinning a tail on a paper donkey, you're kidnapping your annoying neighbor and stapling shit to his butt.

"Duck, Duck, Shoot": Hide your gun (loaded with blanks, of course) in your coat. Then invite people into your living room and tell them it's time to play a "throwback" round of Duck, Duck, Goose. Then, start playing the kiddie game but, before announcing someone as a goose, whip out your gat and fire. The blanks won't hurt anyone but they'll scare the poo right out of everyone in the room.

"Strip Musical Chairs": No, it's not what you think--it's not a version of musical chairs where the loser has to strip naked. It's a version of musical chairs where the chairs themselves are naked chicks. Good times!

"Name That Prune": Sort of like name that tune, but instead of humming a song and asking people to guess what song it is, you bring out a tray of prunes and ask people to guess what prune it is. The loser has to strip naked.

"Indoor Boating": It's an indoor wrestling-based activity. No fucking idea where the name came from.

WATCH SOME MANLY STUFF ON TV 

DVD box sets are perfect Rainy Day fare. If you like licking butt holes, that is. MALE butt holes, I mean! Meaning, you're a gay.

But if you're a non-gay, you need to man up and make your R.D. (rainy day) viewing manly. Man. So here's what to watch:

"LIFETIME, OXYGEN and OPRAH, OPRAH, OPRAH!"
Now, the first suggestion is somewhat counterintuitive. Lifetime and Oxygen are such vaginal TV networks that they literally make your TV bleed once a month (and, on the flip side, if you knock 'em around and then demand they cook you dinner, they'll let you fuck them). But the fact that those networks (and "Oprah") are so heinously unmale is part of what makes subjecting yourself to long stretches of the programming so manly. Cuz what's more masculine than an endurance test, right? Now, you have to keep this in mind--if you watch the vaginal networks for under five hours, the manly effects of the endurance test won't have set in and the negative, estrogen-soaked effects will have taken over, leaving you a teary, bitter old hag in need of her 4 PM chocolate fix. BE CAREFUL!

"PUBLIC ACCESS MARATHON"
Forget watching "Night Court" reruns on Nick at Night... been there, done that, got the T-shirt and the hat. Pretty nice hat, actually (it says "I Watched Night Court On Nick At Night And All I Got Was This Stupid... ORDER IN THE COURT!"). If you're gonna go the marathon route, eschew entertaining but predictable routes in favor of the total shit show that is Public Access TV. Half the shows are black preachers detailing the Armageddon coming to the white man. Another quarter of the shows are angry lesbian talk shows. And that last quarter is an absolute mixed bag of unpredictable fun. My favorite show on my local Public Access network is a toss up between this sketch show where these dudes have procured a cow heart which they use in various situations AND the virulent, foaming-at-the-mouth rabbi who calls for the death and destruction of everyone from Russians to Harry Potter. Yowsa.

DO SOME MAN-CLEANIN'

The classic dainy ray activity is cleaning up around your abode. But you can't be restrained to doing your laundry and running the Swiffer around in your bathroom. That's cleaning for mere mortals... and you're a god-like man. So it's time to do some MAN-cleanin'.

"THROW SHIT AWAY"
Eff washing clothes, dishes, rugs etc. Just throw it all out. Or, fuck that too... gather all the dirty stuff in your house, throw it in the back yard, grab some lighter fluid and... PRESTO! It's bonfire time!

"BLEACH IT CLEAN"
Men don't like in betweens. Only nancy boys wear gray. Us guys have things either black or white. And when it comes to our places of residence, we either have it ultra dirty... or ULTRA clean! And how do you get your place beyond clean? With gallons and gallons of bleach, of course. Hit up Home Depot and buy the biggest septic tank and some hoses. Then head to Costco to buy a few containers of Industrial strength/sized bleach... and then go to town. Sure, your place will stink to high heaven, but it'll be certifiably germ free (and, thanks to bleach's magical... bleaching power... everything will be a stark shade of white).

"PUT THE ANIMALS TO WORK"
Even after you've set most of your possessions on fire and covered everything else in your place in hundreds of coats of bleach, there are still gonna be hard to reach spots you just won't be able to get to.  For those hard to reach areas, it's time to find yourself some miniature minions who can do the job fore you. Namely, a group of cats and monkeys you've trained to mop and sweep in places your hands are too large to reach. I'm not even sure this is particularly manly... it's just really, really cool.

IGNORE THE RAIN

The manliest thing of all you could do on a rainy day? Just go about your business as if it wasn't raining. Go for a nice bike ride, drive in the convertible with the top down, eat powdered doughnuts on your front stoop and all your other normal day-to-day activities shouldn't be disturbed by a few drops of rain. Take that, Mother Lame-ture! You are NOT gonna hold me back!

YEAAAARRRGH!!!