Consistency

Up until now, your poop had two settings: hard and soft. That's because you've a sack-less drum humper. Well take your schlong out of that set of bongos, clean the gunk out of your vagina (as well as your ears) and listen up, because your poo is about to get crazy.

Now, when we say Man Up the Consistency, we're talking about three basic things here: Size, Shape and Colors. The actual "consistency" of the turd isn't up to debate--it should be rock solid, hard as a diamond (and sharp as all fuck). Real Men Love Anal Contusions.

So, first up we have SIZE. Obviously, all your toilet jockeys should be of considerable length and girth. But how do you ensure that they always come out bigger than your forearm? It's all in the food, my man. Pooping a Giant's Head (as we call 'em around the office) is a balancing act. During the gestation period (the 2 to 5 days you take to grow your Giant's Head inside your innards) you must avoid all foods that would instantly cause you to poop. This means no dairy, no coffee (or anything with caffeine) or any other laxative. You should bulk up on unseasoned meats (done rare) and other "constipants" (yes, that's a real word).

Then, on the 5th day, have a mighty dosage of Castor oil (the ultimate laxative) and then sit back and relax and wait for your Giant Head to be born. Be forewarned: it's going to hurt. Hurt bad. But when it's all said and done, you'll have a 16 pounder you can brag about and you can silence your woman whenever she says men never have to go through the burden of child birth ("Bitch! Don't you remember the time I birthed  a Giant Head?! Now make me a sammich and wax your pregnant stomach!")

Next we'll move onto SHAPE. If you thought size was painful, well, then you're definitely going to find shape a source of some mighty discomfort. Because the only way to truly control the geometry of your brown gnome is by, well, doing some reconstruction on the back door. Yes, we know that instantly sounds well beyond the gayest thing you have ever done in your life (despite how flamingly gay that weekend on the Jersey Shore ended up being... I mean really, dude, what did you expect was going to happen when you went "tanning" with a body builder?)... but put your fears on the backburner. The ends always justify the means and that means you can (and will) put up with ritually scarring your virginal man hatch if that means your turds will come out looking like a tiger:

Finally we move on to COLOR. Conventional wisdom would hold that if someone's pooperman pinscher was any color other than hazelnut brown, something's gone wrong with dude's insides. Well, clearly whoever came up with conventional wisdom needs a swift kick to the nuts (or, more likely, vulva). Adjusting the hue and contrast of your Victorian Leavings is the least painful of all of the consistency changes, but it's still going to take some commitment, a lot of food coloring (to be carried around with you at all times) and a couple handy cans of spray paint. Hell, if you do a good enough job on your brown cloud, you might even be able to sell it to some rube as a piece of modern art (just say your poor man's hockey puck is a statement on "shock" and "post-modernism" or something...$$$!)

 

Pregame

 

There's always the tried and true method:  run a marathon, and then pay a midget to jump on your abdomen.  However, I've never known a real man to run a marathon unless it was over a lava field, which can be hard to come by in this relatively volcano-barren day and age.  Still, if you've got some smoking cones nearby, give it a shot.  Midgets, of course, will do anything for a buck.

Really, though, the best way to warm up for the big game is visualization.  Think big.  Think tough.  Watch childbirth videos.  Fire out a few kidney stones, and think about scaling up those processes for the main event.  If you do this right, you'll be shitting out masterpieces like Da Vinci.*

 

Things to Do While Pooing

• Sing "Hail to the Chief."
• Call your grandparents and give them the scoop.
• Rock the vote.
  
• Eat tacos.  You must prepare for the next round.
• Print address labels (keep reading; you'll see why).
• Ask Bill Cosby what he calls his shit.
• Wait in line at the DMV.
• Gun repair.
• ...and many more!
  

 

 

Where to Poo 

I don't want to hear about how awesome your toilet is. It has a heated seat? It's painted black? It plays heavy metal when you flush? So... none of that is as bad ass as where the guys in the DV office lay our turds...

We ARE located in Florida, after all. If there aren't any crocodiles in your area, any large, carnivorous creature will do (I suggest a bobcat, but what do I know?) 

 

Disposal

If you have just finished up with squeezing your sausages into the mouth of a live alligator:  congratulations!  You can skip this step.

For the rest of you ladies, there's still some doo-doo to do.  You have a few options.  Remember foxtail softies?  They were a toy which basically consisted of a ball on the end of a nylon tail such that you could grab the end of the tail, twirl the thing around, and fling it hundreds and hundreds of feet through the air.  While it looked spectacularly rainbow-y, with a few minor tweaks on the concept, you could turn your turds into a cheap and effective seige weapon.  Neighbor giving you crap?  No, neighbor, I give you crap.  At no less than 80mph.

You might also consider UPS.  I know:  the rising cost of oil has bumped shipping costs up to previously unheard of levels.  That's a big part of what makes this method so manly.  In your face, environment.  My chocolatey friends need to see the world.  You can send it to anybody, and it'll always be worth it.

Finally, you might want to consider the possibility that disposal isn't always the right move.  Certain nuggets merit public display.  Uncoil your twisty cone on the steps of the public library, a courthouse, city hall... anyplace with substantial foot traffic.  Make sure to lay a ruler alongside it so that those you impress with your work will have a proper sense of scale and proportion.  You don't want anybody getting the idea that you forgot how to Man Up Your Poo.

 

* Yes, Da Vinci literally shit out the majority of his art.  Visualization is amazing.