Man Up Your Poker Game
By Harry Leeds on December 05, 2007 - 8:30 am | PermalinkThe real reason to play poker is to embarrass and swindle your friends. Yes, your poker game is superior, and yes, they are too drunk to realize that you read a book on poker before inviting them over. They probably don't think you even know how to read, but you're reading this, and – trust me – reading is your secret weapon. By means of numerous hours and many drinks, it is your job to prove to the world that you are a badass, and what better time to do that than at a poker game?
Man Up Your Poker Table
You could dish out $1000 for a nice table, but why not just build it yourself? Whip out that tool belt and get started. Make sure you have quality wood carving skills like a Baroque master or, better yet, have your woman do it. Even better, buy the $1000 dollar poker table, and pretend you've carved it yourself. Run around in a circle several times right before your friends come over to build up a sweat, then crouch down when they enter the room and say, "Not ready yet, dude, just laying down my turbo Swiss-Miss astro-felt. Man, carving that base took awhile. You'd never think Brazilian rosewood would be so easy to work with... well worth it.” The more it sounds like an expensive guitar the better.
Man Up Your Card Deck
Kem Cards are nice, quality playing cards, but the fact that your deck doesn't have any boobs on it is sure to make your buddies whine. You could go down to the local trick shop and pick up a deck of naked lady cards, but god invented a digital camera and glue sticks for a reason. What you need is naked lady cards with pictures of your friends' girlfriends on the faces. Better yet, just invite 52 of your closest bikini-clad female friends to your next poker game (I recommend going with 54 -- maybe you'll need jokers) and whip out the red and black paint. I have a weekly game going so I went for tattoos over paint. I like the seven of spades a lot. If you have some gay friends, invite them along and choosing the queens will be that much easier. They have human chess, so why not human poker?
Man Up Your Grass
A big fat blunt of Cali sticky icky... just take one and pass it. This one speaks for itself.
Man Up Your Beverages
Did I mention that you need to have an unlimited supply of beer? Because if you run out of beer, the night's over. If you're into the celebrity poker scene, get the Phil Hellmuth Pro Player drink and mix it with your favorite vodka: energizing time. Just in case you run out of beer.
Man Up Your Prop Bets with Wikipedia
Instigate a prop bet that you can't lose. For this next part you'll need a constant internet connection. After you've purchased your table and invited over your four of clubs, log into wikipedia and the hit random article button. That's right. Then click it again. Keep clicking until you find some truthy fact that sounds absurd.
Wait until your friends have settled in and nonchalantly stir up a conversation.
You say, “Oh, did you know Natalie Portman's Israeli or some shit? Yeah, her real name is like Hershlag or something.” Then your buddy says,
“Hershlag? That's bullshit, no way she has a stupid name like that.”
“No I'm not screwing around,” you say.
“I bet that you're full of shit!” Hook, line and sinker.
“Wanna make it interesting?” Then rake in the cash.
Some notes on this one:
First, your friends will have to be too drunk to realize that you looked up this shit beforehand.
Second, you'll probably have to make a lot of prop bets about whose tits are bigger (just be prepared with the correct answers).
Man Up Your Poker Face
If you're a real man, you should have no problem with this. Having a poker face is all about controlling your emotions, and since you're a man's man, you shouldn't have any trouble with this. You kept your cool when you saw Christina Ricci chained to a radiator in “Black Snake Moan," so you can act cool when you have the nuts.
If you're not quite at that level of manliness, you could contract a neurological disease. For instance:
Dr. Hawking never loses a game of poker. Can you read that face? He's bluffing. He's bluffing with physics on his side. Or is he? No, wait, he's got four aces. You won't detect hints in his voice, that's for sure.
If you're not manly enough, you could become a scientologist. Tom Cruise has a great poker face. You know why you can't read his face? It's not just because he's a douche. He's thinking of Xenu. All the time. And he's terrified. He could have a royal flush but all he's thinking about is Xenu, and you'd never be able to tell.
If you still can't get your poker face down you could opt for facial reconstructive surgery to eliminate all facial expressions. But, honestly, it's much easier just to play with a group of guys with autism.
Calling It a Night
Just remember that poker night is over when you say it's over. And you say it's over when everyone is broke but you. “We'll play until midnight,” is a pussy way of saying, “I think I'm going to lose all my money so I'd rather get this over with sooner than later.” You came to gamble, and you should do just that. Make a pact that says nobody can go home until they have to ask to borrow cash. You don't end your poker game, your poker game ends you.
