Man Up Your Pets

The following list of pets are ideal for any man who decides they need one:

Orangutan

These apes are considered to be the strongest animal in the jungle. Yep, apparently "primate power" is FTW. They might look like your aunt Mildred, but they'll clock yer ass with enough brunt force to turn out your lights.

I think its time we put that to the test. Of course an orangutan could potentially rip your arms off, but hey you won't know for a fact until they do it. Remember, as a man you were once a primate yourself. Don't let modern day evolution fool you, men were meant to wrestle one another...and since all your friends are metrosexual pussies, an orangutan will do just fine. So at the end of the day when you're standing there in your own pool of blood, staring at both of your torn limbs, you could look over at that ape, brush it off and let loose a thunderous yell, "Its just a fleshwound" before charging at them. You shall prevail. And if not, your wife has a hairy new mate. He shall raise your children in the wild.

Poison Dart Frog

Why keep pets that other people can touch and play with? Yes, they're called "pets." That doesn't give them the license to touch the goddamn things. With that in mind, you want a pet that no one in their right mind would dare touch, the kind of pet that if someone accidentally did happen to "pet" it they'd need to bathe their entire body in a vat of Clorox lest they, well, die. Gentlemen, thus enters the Poison Dart Frog. Not only are these suckers great conversation pieces, but when you need to clear your house quickly of your guests, releasing poison dart frogs are far more effective than your two black Labs. Also, what's a better drinking game than throwing poison dart frogs at one another? Certainly not quarters or regular darts, you pansy. Only downside? They go "ribbit" when you're trying to get some sleep. But sleep is for pussies, so who cares?

Box Jellyfish

Regular Jellyfish are like tainted vaginas: soft and penetrable with a bit of a sting leftover. Box Jellyfish, however...well, let's just say it would be like having unprotected sex with a Tijuana hooker who injects liquid AIDS into your penis using a cactus and a spork. What's the competitive angle here? None really - that is unless of course you're into having sex with Box Jellyfish. I guess you and your buddies could see who could last the longest "inside" a Box Jellyfish. Which would in turn make you one sick motherfucker. Or an Aborigine.

Paraponera or "Bullet Ants"

The faction of man vs. an army of bullet ants. This is the one pet on the list, you and your friends, can both enjoy playing with. The following is a rip straight from Wikipedia:

Bullet ants are used by some indigenous people in their initiation rites to manhood. The ants are first knocked out by drowning them in a natural chloroform, and then hundreds of them are woven into sleeves made out of leaves, stinger facing inward. When the ants come to, boys slip the sleeve down onto their arm. The goal of this initiation rite is to keep the sleeve on for a full ten minutes. When finished, the boys' arms are temporarily paralyzed because of the venom, and they may shake uncontrollably for days. To fully complete the initiation, however, the boys must go through the ordeal a total of 20 times over the course of several months or even years.

Not sure about YOUR group of pansy ass friends, but for me and my buds, this sort of shit fits right into the routine. Fuck dogs. Any pet that can paralyze your arm, make you shake uncontrollably for days and gives you an instantstache* sounds like man's best friend to me. Just don't let any stray ants crawl into your wang. That'd be SUCKYYYYY.

*instantstache - developing an instant mustache as a result of any one act in particular