Man Up Your Novel

Fuck the Audience

Let's not pretend that the people who may or may not actually read your novel should actually gain anything from it.  Make your novel as circuitous as possible.  Devote a hundreds of pages to descriptions of the viscera and vomit and any other utterly disgusting details you drape over every sentence and paragraph, and if you try to apply any meaning to it -- for the love of god -- don't tell anybody what that meaning is, or I'll castrate you just as you've castrated your novel.  If you have chapters, which, as they increase the ease of reading, I can not recommend, name them so ostentatiously and randomly that deciphering them would be impossible.   Feel free to make up words.

Apart from fucking the audience while they read the book, you should also make it a goal to personally have sex with everyone who reads the book.  This will help your buzz. 

Anfractuity

FUCK YOU, AUDIENCE! 

Do Not Have a Plot

The only plot your book should have is a cemetery plot for all the characters you assassinate immediately after your audience establishes an emotional connection with them.  For example:  you begin your story with a little boy thinking about his dead father.  He's thinking about the last meal he ate with his dad, wherein they discussed plans for the future.  The dad talks about how he can't wait to see the little boy grow up, and the little boy says he's going to be an astronaut, just like his dad.  The next day, the dad leaves on a space flight and fucking explodes.  The spaceship doesn't explode; only the dad does.  Something happens in space.  I can't write the whole thing for you.  Then, the kid gets bitten by a snake and chokes on his own tongue.  He dies.  That's your first chapter.  It's practically perfect and has many of the key elements your novel will need:  spaceships, explosions, sudden child death, snakes, and inessential flashbacks.

Plus, if a literary agent asks you for your one sentence summary of your story, you can tell him, "A little boy thinks about his dead dad then gets bitten by a snake and fucking dies."  Or you can say, "Fuck you."  Either is acceptable. 

Character Development Is For Chumps

Generally, novels will see their characters through a set of trials or challenges and, by the novel's end, the character or characters have grown as a result.  This can not happen in your novel.  No matter what happens along the course of totally random events in your novel, the only acceptable change that can happen to any character is wild, unpredictable mood swings and, of course, death.

Pick Any Three of the Following for Mandatory Inclusion

• Lasers
• Shark tanks (any interpretation)
• The name "Jam Blasterson"

It fucking writes itself.

Foil Emboss the Covers

When I was a small child, I, like all of us, liked shiny things.  Now, as a quasi-adult with the mind of a child, I know that humans have a genetic predisposition toward "the shinies."  Therefore, and since anything that looks important is important, you need to insist on treating the cover of your novel with the full foil-embossment.  It's going to look great.  If your novel is manly enough, your publisher will beg to do it for you.

Pictures

A truly great novel will not have any words at all.  It will just be thousands of pictures of atomic bomb explosions and group sex.  If your publisher is insistent on something more "traditional," just put a word on each page and tell him it's a new form.  All your publisher needs is an excuse, because he knows that everyone loves pictures of atomic bomb explosions and group sex.  Make up some pretentious garbage to describe your literary revolution.  "It's Pre-Demonumentalist," you'll say.

"I'll take a million fucking copies," he'll say.  "We'll gold-emboss the covers."

The Title

I've saved the most important part of your novel for last.  You have to make it quick and punchy, because, ultimately, this is what's going to pay your bills.  Anything too long, and people won't finish reading it.  Anything too short, and it's probably been taken.  What you need is to combine three words that everybody loves to hear and separate them with commas.  This is a fucking foolproof way to come up with an awesome title for your novel.  You know everyone likes sex.  You know everyone likes money.  Why not Sex, Money, Power?  Intriguing, no?  "I wonder what that book's about," they'll say.  "Fuck it, there's sex and gold foil -- that book is mine."

Now get out there and Man Up Your Novel.