Man Up Your Negotiations

PSYCH 'EM OUT BEFORE IT STARTS

The manliest way to negotiate is to NOT HAVE TO negotiate. There's nothing quite as fulfilling as having your business opponent hand you everything you want on a silver platter. Well, maybe a gold platter would be cooler. Regardless, the best way to win is to win big (unless the game is, "Who Can Get the Most STDs?").

The way to achieve this goal is to psych out your opponent before the negotiations even begin. A great way of achieving this is to assume a new identity for a brief time. Then infiltrate your opponent's company from inside, i.e., get hired there under a false identity. You'll only have to work at the company for a short while. Two weeks should do it. During this time, you should say you were recently fired by, well, yourself and spread as many preposterous rumors about yourself that you can.

"I hear he killed a guy who tried to haggle with him about the price of a sandwich," and, "He wears a necklace of his victims' ears," should do the trick. 

DON'T AIM HIGH... AIM FOR HIS BALLS

Normal rules of negotiations state that you should set your goals beyond what you'd even want so you and your opponent can haggle down to a common ground. That's a great technique if you're the kind of businessman who DOESN'T drink during bathroom breaks. But if you're a REAL MAN, then you can ditch this method.

Rather than aiming high, you should aim straight at where your opponent's heart resides -- in his balls. Say you're negotiating over a real estate deal. You have a piece of property that you'd like to sell for $500k. Rather than first telling your opponent you're selling the property for something like $800k, you should kidnap your opponent's young daughter and say, "How much is her life worth?" This way, you're not gonna just get the right cash for your property... if you play your cards right, you'll be able to keep your property too.

 

"But Lukas, isn't kidnapping illegal?" you're probably thinking. No. It's not.

 

PROPER ETIQUETTE AT THE TABLE

If you simply HAVE to actually have a proper negotiation, you should know how to act when you're duking it out with your business opponent. First thing, even though I just said you'd be duking it out, don't actually punch the guy. Not only is anger a sign of weakness, but he'll probably call security and then you'll effectively "lose" the negotiation. And even though fighting is manly, losing cancels out fighting and then some.

A lot of people are gonna tell you to dress up for the negotiation. I'm gonna tell you yes, sort of. If by dress up you mean put a suit on, then no. But if by dress up you mean put on a Snow White costume, then yes. Whatever you end up wearing, you have to make sure it's absolutely insane because a man's outfit is a window into his lifestyle and if you're wearing a green thong and a pair of angel wings, your opponent is going to know: this man is not to be fucked with.

 

Tradition calls for you to be polite during negotiations. People who go against tradition say you should be brash. I say, fuck it, do neither. Be impolite and quiet. It's always the rude, shy, quiet guy who ends up being a killer. And resembling a creepy serial killer is KEY to winning in business.

 

THE CONTRACT

I'll tell you this now... forget lawyers. They're expensive. They're gonna take a cut of what you're going for. And you don't need them anyways. Here's the only contract you need:

 

BE A GRACIOUS WINNER

Nah, just kidding. You should gloat like a motherfucker.