Man Up Your Music Collection

Share on Facebook Stumble It!

The Purge

The first thing you need to do is get rid of anything that casts any doubt on your manliness.  This is not going to be as simple as rounding up your Ginsberg readings and your Ani DiFranco (how in the name of fuck did you end up with that, anyway?) and pitching them into the nearest active chimney, although that's not a bad start.  You want to pare down your collection in its entirety.  There is nothing less manly than hoarded piles of anything all over the place.  Leave that to your pack-rat grandma, and begin to cleanse yourself of the complications of an unwieldy music collection.  For your assistance, we've come up with some rough guidelines for you to follow. 

• Throw out all your folk music, with the sole exception of songs about boxing and steel-driving.
• Get rid of everything released in an even year.  This is just to show your music that you really don't give a fuck about it.  Every good purge needs at least one arbitrary delineation to cast a sense of anonymous hopelessness on whatever remains.  Throwing out a random half of your collection will show the other half who's boss.
• Toss anything with the word "the" in the title.  What am I, three years old?  I don't need any bitch-ass definite articles propping up my nouns.  My nouns are beastly.  They don't need help.
  
• Get rid of anything released previous to the death of Elvis.  Anything released during or before the reign of "The King" is tainted with sequins and whatever he used to taint the youth (also sequins?).
• If the music is in any way involved with a man wearing girls' jeans, you can not get rid of it fast enough.
• Any music played by something other than real musical instruments must go.  You know what that means, Rockapella.  Pack up your white-boy dreds and get gone.
• Make Evanescence evanesce.

Now, these guidelines are rough, like my stubble.  Feel free to be a man and alter them however you see fit.  When you're done, gather all your refuse and fire it out of a cannon.  Aim for your girlfriend's music collection.

How To Store It

First things first... mp3s are for nancies. The same guy who invented mp3s invented cross dressing. I think. I might be a bit confused. Anyway... mp3s suck. Think about their main selling point: that they're small.  You like stuff that's small? We know why THAT is! Heh... because you suck. Also, I'm insinuating that you have a small penis.

And that being the case, you're gonna have to admit iPods are for poon-faces too. 'Ooooh look at meee! I've got an EyePawd!! I ruleS! I have monie$ to burn!' You sucker. That's what you sound like. If you HAVE to listen to your shit on a portable device, there's one obvious choice...get a Zune, broski! Sure the interface is weak, you'll be the laughing stock of your school and/or workplace and you will instantly regret your purchase. But dude... it comes in greeeeen! Just like camo! Wowsers.

But even a sweet-ass zune (or a zPhone if you're next level) is still pretty pussy powered. There are two totally kick-assier ways to store that 'zac, son.

Number 1... purchase the artists' masters. If you wanna go through with this ultimate music listening experience, start saving IMMEDIATELY! These masters usually cost over 100k per song. But by purchasing a song this way, you really know it's yours... and only yours. Plus, its the gift that keeps on giving... once you own the masters, it's YOU who makes royalties on the sale and licensing of your fave band's songs! Once in your possession, you should start licensing the song you purchased like crazy... a porno needs a theme song? Ice cream trucks in your neighborhood want a new jingle? The Klan needs new rally music? You're the guy to talk to!

Number two... the most awesomest way to listen to music ever... have the band play you their songs. But if you really want to make the live experience matter, you can't just attend a concert. That's like saying you like food and then paying out the nose to watch other people eat. No... the way to go is to force the band of your choosing into holding court with you and serenading you in your own private session. How you gonna pull this off? Think outside the box... well, inside the box. Basically, kidnap the lead singer's kid, hide him or her in a box and have your exclusive jam session be the ransom. It's the only way to go, brohammad.

Man Picks

Now that you know what to get rid of and how to get rid of it, it's time to learn what is acceptable listening fodder for today's man.  First off, rules -- like spines -- are made to be broken.  So let me wheel over to my collection, and we'll see what's what.  We'll go category by category (albums, songs and artists), and Lukas and I will each give two mantastic examples of things that, regardless of anything we may have already said, are musts for your collection.

Erik's Albums

1.  I Get Wet - Andrew W.K.

Come on, you know one of us was going to at least give a shout out to the king of shout-along party rock.  And since his albums haven't been selling lately, this can serve a dual purpose as a sort of requiem for his career.  The fact is, if you were picking out your desert island discs, and one of the stipulations of your desert island was that, in addition to your discs, you'd have a non-stop supply of vodka, bikini models and slip-n-slides, you'd take this album with all five picks, just in case something happened to the first four.  Because you're a man like that, and you want your music loud enough that you don't actually ever have to talk to anyone.

2.  Original Motion Picture Soundtrack to Rocky IV  - Various

Another complete no-brainer.  The Rocky (I) soundtrack could make you want to stand up and cheer.  The Rocky IV soundtrack makes you want to stand up with an ox yolk on your neck and run through chest deep Siberian snow.  In the mountains.  With Soviets attempting to tail you.  That won't just put hair on your chest, it'll put hair on your tongue, fingernails, eyeballs... it should suffice that just listening to this album will make you impossibly hairy.  Your hair itself will grow a beard.  Not only that, but this album has music for every occasion:  did your best friend just get punched to death by a giant superhuman Russian?  Take a ride, man, and pop on "There's No Easy Way Out."  Would you describe your heart as "burning?"  Fuck, this album has two songs for that scenario; try on either "Burning Heart" or "Heart on Fire."  Do you just fucking love James Brown?  Well, "Living in America" is also here.  This album is a manument to all that is manly.  Don't fuck up by not owning it.

Lukas' Albums 

1.  The Most Known Unknown by Three Six Mafia

Imagine getting fisted by a pro linebacker. This album sounds like the opposite of that. Leading off the album is the bro-in' out 'Stay Fly.' A bunch of ignorant and blatantly mysogonistic songs follow (most notably 'Pussy Got Ya Hooked'). This is the soundtrack to getting head. We needed one. Thanks, Three Six!

2.  Traveling Wilburys Vol. 1 by The Traveling Wilburys

When this album dropped, critics said the great artists involved (George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty and ELO's Jeff Lynne) sounded lazy. Well, they do. That's what makes this album bad ass. It sounds like a bunch of dudes fucking around in their rec room, if their rec room had all the best recording equipment readily available in 1988. This is perfect Sunday beer-guzzling music. Get wasted, put this sucker on and smile as your age and waistline slowly increase.

Erik's Songs

1.  Holy Diver by Dio

Other than the pounding march of this song's beat, the heavy crunch of the guitar, and the fact that the music video -- replete with completely unrelated swords and armor -- is the only music video that has ever mattered, what is there to recommend this song?  Ah, yes: the lyrics.  "Ride the tiger. / You can see his stripes but you know he's clean. / Oh, don't you see what I mean?"  Uh... no, I have no fucking idea what you mean, Dio.  But your demand that I ride a tiger just caused two more testicles to drop out of my abdomen.  But wait, there's more: "Between the velvet lies / There's a truth that's hard as steel."  You don't even need to know anything about the rest of the song/world.  That's all the knowledge you'll ever need.  Dio's got me hooked.  Like pussy from Lukas's thing.  Remember?

2.  I Drink Alone by George Thorogood

If a song reminds you of Hemingway, you know it's manly.  (Sidenote: go ahead, call Hemingway unmanly, and I will gladly enfeeble your notion by removing your arms with a sharpened copy of A Farewell to Arms.*) This song is great because, in addition to promoting the most essential manly activity, everyone should relate to it.  Why?  "You know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself."  Can't argue with that, George.  Anything else and you'd be a living paradox, and nobody wants that.

Lukas' Songs

1.  Why Don't We Do It In The Road? by The Beatles

Bitch, why not? We've all been here before... there's clearly no one around, you somehow happen to have condoms on you, the chick is on the pill... you're good to go, right? Nope... she won't bed you because you happen to be standing in the middle of a road. Paul McCartney's 'White Album' track is effortless, rocking... and its got a message, too. Namely: why don't we do it in the road... you slut?

2.  Hot In Herre by Nelly

First off, it's one of the catchiest ditties ever. But this one is an essential track because it demonstrates how to use Jedi Mind Tricks to convince a chick at a club to get nekkid (making it the thematic opposite of McCartney's track above). As you might recall, the chorus begins with our protagonist, Nelly (who else?) stating a fact: 'It's getting hot in herre.' Then, he institutes his Jedi training (he IS from St. Louis after all): 'So take off all your clothes.' To the untrained and uninformed listener, Nelly is taking a gamble. But nay, the force is strong with this one, because the 'hottie' he's chatting up quickly responds: 'I am getting so hot, I wanna take my clothes off.' Nelly is a mack.

Erik's Artists 

1.  Black Sabbath

There's just no way to get around this one.  Just so no one's mistaken, Black Sabbath makes the list for its entire run.  In terms of manliness, there's no discernible difference between Ozzy and Dio... musically, it's another story, of course.  Dio's got the heavy metal thing going in a literal sense with his constant medieval references, while Ozzy simply frightened people and, well, he bit the bat.  Did you bite a bat?  If so, there's room on this list for you, too.

2.  Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart 

Mozart was such a pimp, his brilliant composing caused his father to quit composing altogether before the younger Mozart hit puberty.  Let's draw a comparison to some visible figures of today:  let's say that when Kobe Bryant was seven years old, he was so good at basketball that his dad (Joe "Jellybean" Bryant, a good player in his own right) was forced into retirement... not out of old age or declining skills, but out of pure embarrassment that his seven year old kid was mopping the floor with him.  I think we'd all assume that Kobe would have to be decidedly more Teen Wolf than he currently is for that to happen, but that's essentially what Mozart was.  He was Teen Wolf to the fucking composing game.  That's incredible.  Not only that, but he was a notorious scoundrel who composed one song entitled, "Lick My Ass," and then followed it up with a more specific song entitled, "Lick My Ass Nice and Clean."  That is one-hundred percent true.  Mozart didn't give a fuck.

Lukas' Artists 

1.  Garth Brooks

You probably hate him. Most people with a computer do. Garth Brooks makes music for people who don't have computers... for people who, even if they owned one, wouldn't use it to go online (they'd use it as a coaster and would probably refer to it as the TV lookin coaster machine). That aside, Garth is a top artist because he's a millionaire shlub. That's what we all aspire to, so give the guy a break.

2.  Todd Rundgren

Sure, he had pink hair. Sure, 'Hello, It's Me' is pure pink vaginal bullshit. And yes, we think he somehow played a part in John Lennon's death. But all that aside, Rundgren gets props for two reasons. Number one, he's a cranky bastard. His infamous diss to John Lennon is damn near sacrilegious (hey, they were bigger than the Beatles, after all).  He's fought with just about every artist he's worked with as well, most notably XTC. So he's a straight bastard. But he gets added to the pantheon because of his classic anti-work song 'Bang On The Drum All Day.' 'I don't want to work,' the song begins, 'I just want to bang on the drum all day.' If that's not your anthem, then you're pure pussy, no bones about it.

* I have a well-practiced technique for sharpening anything, including but not limited to most books.