Man Up Your Halloween
ByDavid Morgan October 31, 2007 - 8:30 am | PermalinkAll too often, Halloween is looked down upon as a child’s holiday, and in many respects it is. Dressing up in ridiculous costumes, eating copious amounts of candy, knocking on people’s doors and expecting rewards in exchange for no goods or services? These are the activities of people who have no concept of the real world. But there are ways to make your Halloween mid-week holiday a little more manly.
Games
Bobbing for apples is a pretty good game in its own right. It’s a great test of wills. The weak-willed inevitably either fail to get their apple(s), or will go on about the classic “germs” argument against sticking their head in a barrel full of other people’s spit. But to kick things up a notch in this game, it’s high time we froze the water. Thus it becomes a game of patience and perseverance, almost like a Norse coming of age ritual. It could take hours to dislodge an apple from the ice barrel, but at the end of the game, you’d be able to walk out of that room with your head held high. The only real trick is figuring out what glorious prize could match your act of strength. For the Norse, the reward would probably be a seat in Valhalla, so that’s one option.
Costumes
Men don’t do things part way; it’s all or nothing. Since “nothing” is remarkably easy to suggest, I’m going to give a costume tip for “all.”
Step 1: Assemble one hundred friends and acquaintances.
Step 2: Have half of the friends dress in any costume under the sun except for zombie.
Step 3: Have the other half dress as zombies.
Step 4: Group 1 should go around the neighborhood trick or treating like anyone would.
Step 5: Group 2 should attack and pretend to eat pieces of Group 1, who are playing along. Repeat until the locals are concerned.
The main danger to your plan here is knowledge. The average person knows all about zombies by now. If this isn’t done as convincingly as legally possible, people won’t be freaked out. However, if it’s done too convincingly, half of your friends run the distinct risk of being shot in the head.
Trick or Treating
The practice of Trick or Treating is based on a loose social contract in which one party unexpectedly interrupts another party’s evening and the second party thanks the first party by giving said party an Almond Joy (or a Mounds, depending on whether or not the first party is feeling like a nut). Perhaps the best way to man-up this activity is to acknowledge this agreement for what it is. “Trick or treat” should not be said. Rather, arrive on the doorstep, knock firmly, give a strong handshake and say, “Good evening. I believe we had an understanding. Please fill my tote bag with your sugary snacks before trickery need be resorted to.” Politely ask if the homeowner would care for a flaming paper bag of poo on their doorstep, honor their decision, and bid them goodnight. It won’t be fun, but you’ll have earned their respect for your assertiveness and decisive manner.
Movies
Movie marathons are a big part of some people’s Halloweens, while many others forego them altogether. We all know the standard Halloween movie marathon lineups. People watch stuff like John Carpenter’s Halloween, one of the Romero zombie movies, maybe Friday the 13th, etc. Standard, classic, overplayed movies. Here’s a fun game: find the weakest installment from each of your favorite horror franchises and watch them all back to back. Here are some hints to get you started: Halloween 3: Season of the Witch, Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood, Teen Wolf Too, and so on. People will talk about your party for the rest of the year.
Decorations
Again, it’s all or nothing. One idea I’ve got will take some planning. Over the course of several months, covertly take pictures of your neighbors while they are unloading groceries from their cars, while they’re greeting guests, while they’re napping on the hammocks in their back yards. Then have these photos developed into poster-sized prints. Hang said blow-ups from the gutters of your house in plain view and create frames for them out of chicken bones. Be sure to leave just a tiny bit of fat and gristle on the bones to attract flies. Now, I don’t think there’s anything illegal about this. As long as all of the photos depict them in public situations, that should be fair game, right? But one thing’s for sure: you will be the new scary guy on the block.
So enjoy your hump-day Halloween. Now that you’re a man, feel free to knock on the doors of strangers, eat unwrapped candy, and spoil your appetite. You’ve earned it, having lived all those years and all.
