Man Up Your Haircut

The Method

There are many manly methods to cutting your hair.  You can taunt a flamethrower.  You can stagger backwards into a spinning propeller after catching a right cross from Indiana Jones.  You can tease the blade of a guillotine.  Below, though, are the most manly options when the time comes to lose the locks. 

Radiation

If it can do that for your legs, imagine what it can do for your hair.

Whether you are the lone survivor of a nuclear holocaust or you've just been poisoned by an ex-KGB super spy, radiation poisoning is among the most brilliantly manly ways to trim the old mop-top.  On the negative side, this isn't always going to be a readily available option, as most nuclear materials are kept fairly well guarded.  On the positive side, however, those men strong enough to cut their hair in this fashion are pretty much guaranteed a slow and horrifically painful death, the Official Death of the Y Chromosome.

The manliest hairstyling use of radiation, of course, is to first get cancer, then get radiation therapy for the cancer, then punch Chuck Norris in the brain stem.

Industrial Accidents 

I am Lathe. I tirelessly work to tear your hair off.

Question:  What could possibly be more manly than getting your hair pulled off by an industrial lathe while cutting the threading of a giant screw?

Answer:  Well, for one, you could get the top part of your head removed by a flying circular saw.  You could carry too many monster-sized bolts on a catwalk past a vertical milling machine and tip over into it, thus giving you a Flow-Bee-type haircut for the industrial age, except that it will also leave you with an exposed trachea.  You could slip on a grease spill and into the path of a meth-riddled welder who turns a section of your scalp into dead ash.  Or you could stop asking questions and do some fucking metalwork and just see what happens.

Beasts of the Deep

Just let him get a taste. 

The first step is to coat your current hair in blood and mucus.  There are two main directions you can take in obtaining this material:  you can take the route of the opportunist and intercept the birthing fluids of a large mammal, or you can truly be a man and simply reach into the body of a weaker man for whatever you need.  Choose wisely. 

Next, you will attach a large weight to your neck and jump off the side of a luxury cruise.  As you have blood and mucus dripping down your face, there is a good chance that you will be chased into the water.  Take as many as you can with you.  They'll thank you for their new style.

Wait in the water until all of your hair has been eaten away by the insatiable monsters of the ocean.  If you can't survive this maneuver, you never deserved to call yourself a Professional Shark Wrestler in the first place.  Oh, you say you don't call yourself a Professional Shark Wrestler?  Well, it's time to start. 

Zatoichi: The Blind Swordsman 

There are some who say that this method married the best aspects of unbelievable manliness, impeccable style and not dying.  It does indeed -- if you can manage to find the real blind swordsman of Japanese legend.  If you can't, you'll have to settle for whatever blind man you can find, and just try to line up your hair with wherever he's swinging the razor sharp katana you provide.  Whatever you lose in blood you'll gain in respect. 

The Madness 

If you're looking for specific ideas for hairstyles, well, you fail at manhood.  However, since I'm willing to coax you along on the path to manhood, here are some baby steps to help you toward your goal.

The Clown Cut

A simple 'do, this is achieved simply by removing the hair from the top of your head however you choose.  If possible, you should use one of the above tried-and-true methods, but failing that, it is acceptable to simply use a razor due to the ire you will raise among all naturally bald men.  They will furiously resent you for choosing their ugly fate, and you will flaunt your choice by getting a tattoo on your scalp that reads, "Just for kicks, baldies!"  Scientists have said that an excess of testosterone causes male pattern baldness, but in reality, baldness is caused by a loss of willpower to grow hair.  It can also be caused by losing fights to little girls.  Moreover, it is a commonly held belief that all scientists are crazy weak.

Angry Tufts 

There are a rare few who can achieve this look naturally.  It is so rare, in fact, that no pictures of the style exist.  You will have to make do.  Still, if you are a man, and you have been around enough men, you are likely to have stumbled upon a specimen at some point.  If you have, you will be forced to agree that the Angry Tufts symbolize all that is manly.

They occur when a man with particularly coarse hair shaves his head and then waits for it to grow back.  Growing at wildly different rates, the man's hair seems unable to join with itself in any particularly uniform direction.  It protrudes outward in all directions and lengths, producing the desired effect.  The proper Angrily Tufted head will look something like an overgrown pumpkin patch without the pumpkins.  This look is also known, in different cultures, as The Dilapidated Golf Course (Scottish), The Pillaged Gardens (Sumerian) and Burnt Thieves (archaic: origin unknown).

Gettin' Scalped 

If there is one manly haircut that will never go out of style, it is the one that results when a member of a tribal culture makes a horizontal incision just behind your hairline while simultaneously tearing the quivering flesh from your skull, often along with a shard of the bone itself.  Nothing says, "Holy shit, I'm in a tremendous amount of pain, but it's worth it because I've got The Look," like the exposed blood vessels that would normally be covered up by your head skin.  If you really want to show off, squeeze some lemon juice on that bad boy before you slip into a shock-induced coma.  And give yourself a pat on the back, because unlike your brethren with their feminine consciousnesses and unexposed brains, you have managed to Man Up Your Haircut.