Man Up Your Groceries

1. Shop Drunk. 

One thing that grocery shopping is sorely lacking is the element of surprise and unpredictability, both of which can be easily remedied by getting good and schnapped before you hit the market. After all, what’s honestly more interesting? Carefully planning out your next two-to-three weeks of stale, soulless meals, or waking up the next morning to find a pantry full of Snack-Packs and 18 dented cans of Fancy Feast? With the latter, I guarantee you’ll at least laugh your ass off -- and think of how happy your cat will be. 

If you don’t have ample time beforehand to get drunk, you can always hit the liquor department whilst in the market and have at it for the duration. Just make sure you keep the empty bottle for the checkout girl to scan later. You’re an alcoholic, but you, sir, are not a thief. 
 

2. Screw With The Staff. 

I have a little game that I like to play with the Bagger, and it’s called ‘Cart Jenga.’ Throughout the course of my grocery shopping, I expertly place my foodstuffs into the cart with maximized precision, wedging, rotating and wasting no space whatsoever (hence the ‘Jenga’ part; try and keep up).  

My goal is twofold. First, I want to be able to roll up to the checkout with a solid, 600-pound block of microwave dinners and Tang, contained entirely within a single cart. I go shopping approximately once per Presidential term, so this is a challenge in and of itself. Nothing says ‘lazy, lonely douchebag’ more glaringly than the haphazard, disorganized tossing of food or drink, so keep it tight and respectable. Lonely housewives might be silently judging you. 

The next goal is the big one: force the Bagger into using two carts. 

To me, the Bagger is like the final boss of the shittiest video game you’ve ever played. You’ve hacked your way through the deli with reckless abandon, traded paint with the wheelchair-bound woman who will almost certainly be buried in a piano case when she dies, and sideswiped the 118-year-old man in the bakery giving out lackluster samples of Beanie Weenies. By the time you get to the Bagger, you’re a haggard, changed man who’s firmly in control of his destiny, and unwilling to compromise. And to me, if he shows weakness by bagging your groceries at an efficiency rate that’s lower than someone who doesn’t expertly stuff things into a cart for a living, then guess what? You win.  

You win at grocery shopping. Drag the Bagger back to the loading dock and pound the shit out of him. You’ve earned it. 
 

3. Don’t Drink Anything That Doesn’t Have A Lightning Bolt On The Can. 

This goes without saying. In fact, never buy anything without a lightning bolt on it. If a company wanted you to respect or merely even pay attention to their product, they would have branded it with the likeness of a meteorological phenomena that’s so powerfully badass that’s it’s been documented to blow your central nervous system straight out through the bottoms of your feet. 

Same goes for milk and water, too. No lightning bolt, no consumer loyalty from you. Your paper-thin skeletal system and dehydrated cerebral cortex will thank you later. 
 

4. Steal. 

Remember what I said before about not being a thief? Well, never mind. Supermarkets steal from you on a daily basis, what with their markups, slave-labor wages and screwing over local businesses; you owe it to them to shove the long, pointy finger of justice and self-righteousness straight into the butthole of tyranny and oppression. 

Some people take a few grapes from the fruit section. Some people will crack a soda and not think twice. You know what I do? I steal warning signs. Everyone loves to sue the supermarket, and without proper signage informing customers to not climb the racks and get themselves paralyzed, they’ll be forced to pay off every claim until the end of time. It’s a passive-aggressive way to achieve the Greater Good, but, then again, I’m a selfish prick. 
 

5. Reading Nutritional Facts = Gay. 

There’s absolutely no reason to eat terrible food your entire life for the sole purpose of adding a few extra years to the end of it. With that in mind, don’t waste your time checking out Nutritional Facts unless you have some sort of awful allergy that will instantly turn your internal organs to malt powder. And even then, I’d still advise against it. 

So, there you have it. A few easy ways to shop with dignity.