Man Up Your Gaming Shit Talk

With the advent of online gaming, shit talking has been taken to an entirely new level, and you need to man up your shit talking to ensure you can compete.

Sexual Orientation Holds No Relevance

Ever played Halo on Xbox Live? You may understand what I’m talking about. This rule holds truer in the completely anonymous online world. You could be the president of your university’s queer/straight alliance group, it doesn’t matter:  EVERYONE online is a faggot. Everybody—no ifs, ands, or buts about it. It doesn’t end there. You can switch it up to just fag, or ass-pirate or gaymo, or homosexual (for you politically correct folk). For the advanced shit talkers: you can describe the ways in which your opponent (who is always a male) fucks other guys in the ass, etc. You know how peacocks spread their feathers out to show dominance? Well, anonymously placing an assumption on another person’s sexuality is essentially the same thing.

Everyone's Mom is a Slut You Fucked

Like sexual orientation, the status of your opponent’s mother does not matter. What does matter is that you fucked her... hard. Avoid the clichés like “not what your mom said last night,” etc. It is overplayed and the average gamer has trained their ears to filter out such common sayings. Rather, go into the most gruesome and grotesque details in which you violated the precious mother of said opponent. The object of this shit talk is to get the opponent to visualize what is happening to his mother.

Your Girlfriend is a Nympho Supermodel

This isn’t necessarily shit talking, but jealousy is one true way to win online. Don’t kid yourself, your girlfriend is absolutely smoking hot—like, Jessica Alba hot—and she happens to be a nymphomaniac. You banged her before, after, and while playing games online, and it is important that EVERYONE knows. Who cares if they believe you? You're the one that gets to bang bang bang.

Don't Let Up

Some people out there are tough cookies, but they’re crackable. One of the great features of Xbox Live allows you to keep track of the people you’ve played with recently, which is amazing because it's almost like getting a stalker service for free! Just keep it up:  everyone can crack and, when it happens, treat it like a trophy in your parents' garage. 

Estrogen is Your Friend

Nothing feels worse than being belittled by what seems to be a 12-year-old kid. You may be a 20 or 30 something with a deep voice, but that is easily fixed by high and consistent doses of estrogen. Start popping those pills.  Soon enough, your voice will sound like that of a choir boy.  With the sound of purity and innocence, let the vulgarity and insults fly.

Madden

Madden is a unique shit talking situation. It's like a wormhole into a shit talking universe where everyone can intimidate and scare even the most heterosexual of men. Just watch one of those ESPN Madden Challenge shows and you will know what I’m talking about. If you happen to find yourself in a Madden game and you lack full confidence in your shit talking skills, it is best to back-off. You don’t send soldiers fresh out of boot camp to Ira…err…you don’t just let any ninja out to conquer the world without training. They would get slaughtered. 

Use Your Skill

Your supermodel girlfriend and romp with a middle-aged mother may be fantastic, but there is nothing is better than showing your opponent how much they suck in the game. Anybody can talk a lot of game -- it just requires Bob Sagat-esque vocabulary -- but real men back up their mouth with skill. A lot of the shooters have melee weapons like knives and fists. Nothing is more humiliating than being killed that way... unless it's someone incessantly pointing out that you were killed that way.  

Shooters not your bag? No worries, sports fanatic. With the help of EA Sports it's easier than ever to belittle your opponent. Up by 30 in Madden football in the second quarter? Bench that Tom Brady amateur and put in Martin Gramatica, the 32-year-old placekicker from Argentina. It’s good to make sure the opponent knows what you are doing—especially after you drive down the field and put up MORE points. Apply the same concept to the defensive side of the ball. (Expert tip: LT isn’t a bad outside linebacker.)

And with those tips, you should be on your way to being a true shit talker. And if all else fails, become one of those headline stories of a guy that drove half-way across the country to kick the ass of another gamer. Oh, and when you are on TV, give me a shout out.