Man Up Your Diet

Sumo that Shite

Unless you for some reason have a ton of information on how sumo wrestlers eat and train, you probably don't know where I'm going with this.  I'll clue you in, though:  sumos routinely train for hours each morning before eating.  Then, once these gigantic men have worked up an unnaturally large appetite even for them, they sit down to an almost disgustingly large feast.  In fact, their post-workout meals are often around 20,000 calories, which is about ten times as much as the FDAs recommended intake for the average human.  But you don't want to be average, do you?  You don't want to be just a man.  You want to be ten men.  Feel free to skip the thong/diaper thing, though.

Fat of the Land

You knew this was coming.  But you should also know it's not good enough to just go out with a gun and shoot something.  I'm not coming at this from an pro-gun control angle, either.  And please don't think I'm part of the creepier and further marginalized pro-archery lobby.  Arrows are also out of the question.  The only weapons you should need are your teeth and your wits, and you get bonus points for applying this diet in the more rugged climates, like the arctic or the Serengeti.  Elephants aren't so tough once you've choked them unconscious with a submission hold.

Just Eat All Kinds of Things You're Not Supposed to Eat (The Circus Geek Method)

Chew up and swallow glass, eat nails, bite the heads off live chickens and so on.  My research indicates that the heads of live chickens are somewhat deficient in vitamin C, so you might have to throw in an orange now and then to keep the scurvy from throwing off your crazy biting technique.  Fruit is a little on the fruity side, though, so punch yourself in the face afterward, and all will be set right. 

Books, in Particular Romance Novels

This is the perfect diet 2-in-1 diet for the man on the go.  First, you will be performing the commendable task of eating up worthless romance novels, processing them through your body, and then shitting them out (onto the romance novelist of your choice, if you've got the stones).  Second, you'll be getting tons of fiber, which will help along the whole process.  It's almost like a perpetual motion machine, except that instead of breaking a law of thermodynamics, you're destroying the work of a romance novelist and then pooping it out onto them, just as they've pooped it out onto the world.  Now that's what I call a shitty writer.  (It was between that and "Now that's what I call getting your just desserts!"  I think I simultaneously made both the right and the wrong calls.)

The Hearts of Your Enemies 

Nothing really says manly food like plunging your fist into your sworn enemy's chest, drawing out his still-beating heart, and eating it like it's an apple as his vision fades for the last time.  Not only will your enemy be slain, and not only will you gain his power, but you'll get a righteous energy boost from all the protein and iron contained in his oxygen-rich ticker.  If possible, do this on a bright night so that the blood on your hands, chest and face seem to luminesce under the cold-faced moon.  Howling is, of course, encouraged.