Where has your dignity gone? Velcro and zippers don't belong on a MANS wallet, change purses don't belong on a MAN, and wallets don't belong in fanny packs on a MAN anyone. Follow these steps to relieve the shameload placed upon you by your impotent wallet for cuckolds. We will also examine the two ages when your wallet becomes most manly, 27 and 47.

Charlatans and posers have been lame-o-fying the once noble art of killing bloodsuckers for years. We ask you to put away the wussy crucifix, and pick up some bourbon 'cause its time to Man Up your Vampire Slaying.

You're stuck in the old ways.  When it comes to haircuts, that means you're probably using scissors or clippers.  When it comes to washing your hair, that means you're probably washing your vagina hair.  Let your balls drop and find a new path.  A manlier path.  And forget about tipping barbers: they are now obsolete.

Chinese food is the new pizza. It's easy to order, delicious, and just as harmful to your immune system as swimming in human waste for a week straight. It's pretty manly on its own, but it can still do with some more manning-up.

So you finally moved out of your mom's basement and got a girlfriend.  Time to give World of Warcraft the old heave-ho.  But once you've put five-hour raids and marathon honor grinding behind you, what's to fill all that newfound time?

Are you looking to write the next Harry Potter?  If so, go to hell and stay there.  If you're looking to write a book that not only figuratively pulls no punches, but also literally has fists and will smash teeth with them, this is the guide for you.  It's time to Man Up Your Novel.

Everybody knows that the manliest thing you can possibly do is enjoy working - it takes a lot of Manning Up to put up with forty hours of skull-numbing drudgery for the greater manly good of A) providing for your family or B) an ample bar budget to pick up slutty drunk girls. But what is the manliest of working men to do in their leisure time?  When the truck factory closes down, when your smokin' hot secretary stops blowing you and goes back to her husband, or when you're done shooting terrorists, how can you continue to be so fucking manly?  Today, we'll show you how to man up your weekend.

A big brother is responsible for one thing and one thing only: to be as badass a role model to their little brother as possible. Failing that, though, you can always just TEACH him how to be a man.

Nothing -- nothing -- is manlier than fisticuffs. Hand-to-hand fighting, with no rhyme or reason. Preferably on street corners, of course; not boxing rings or martial art clubs or whatever. Street fights being as important as they are, we're here to Man Up Your Street Fight.

GREAT! You spend all your time making sure your place is man'd up and the whole manly quotient is brought down by your pansy-ass neighborhood. It's time to change all that, brodicus.

Don't worry -- yesterday's April Fools' Man Up wasn't going to be your ONLY source of testosterone-driven instruction this week. Today, we teach you how to Man Up Your Website.

Pasty, sallow skin getting you down? Having trouble attracting members of any sex because you look like some sort of cave troll? Don't worry; we have SO got you covered. We know how to not only make you look completely awesome with some new brown skin, but how to be a super manly-man while you're doing it. LOL!

We at DoubleViking.com do not condone crime of any sort (unless it's awesome, like bear wrestling or cougar hunting or something). We are not naive, however, and understand that many a man today fancies the act of electronic thievery -- otherwise known as piracy -- as a fun, easy way to break the law and get bootlegged copies of I Am Legend. If anything's worth doing, it's worth doing manly; we're here to help you Man Up Your Electronic Thievery.

We couldn't let you go through a St. Patrick's Day without a hot injection of corned beef-flavored manliness, but we also saw no reason to tamper with perfection.  This article was originally posted a year ago today.

Did you know that owning a Macintosh is the equivalent of having two vaginas?  Have no fear, though, this is a reversible condition:  with the proper treatment, you can have the equivalent of two penises.  So step right up and Man Up Your Computer!

"The economy is so rough right now! We're on the brink of a recession! Waaah! Waaah!" That's you. That swift karate chop to your carotid artery? That's me. Hey belly acher, it's time to MAN UP your Finances!

The syllogism goes like this. Being in a band gets you chicks; having sex with chicks is manly; ergo, being in a band is manly. Sometimes. If you're going to start a band, you better damn well know not to play any of that emocore crap which will make you a masculine pariah. You better know how to make your band as badass as it can possibly be -- you've gotta know how to Man Up Your Band.

It's not that there's only one way to get a manly tattoo, but if you don't follow any of these criteria, you might as well just get a butterfly tramp stamp, because it all tells us the same story, you soft, tender boy.  It's time to Man Up Your Tattoos.