Man Tech: The Manliest Vacuum Cleaners

It’s time for your manly alternative. While there’s currently no “all in one” manliest vacuum of all time, there IS a cleaning machine for you based on what you want.

REALLY EFFIN’ CLEAN

You want to make your carpet or rug-covered shag pad spotless? Good for you, you sick, sick freak. The best way is to get wet. ShopVac makes the most powerful “wet/dry” vacuums on the market. They have a fun line of 6+ horsepower wet/dry vacuums. The 6.5 horse power Contractor, which will run you about $200, will be your wet/dry dream. Sure, the 20 gallon tank is overkill, but more tank space means fewer times you need to empty the m effer, which is a good thing.

REALLY EFFIN’ STRAIGHT

Let’s face it. The typical image of a guy vacuuming is pretty effeminate. And while I have nothing against being effeminate, you probably wouldn’t be at DoubleViking.com if you were gay. You’d be at Doublevixen.com, of course.

But there IS one way to look really straight while vacuuming—with a backpack vac. If you’re going to rock a back vac, you should go with Pro-Team’s Super CoachVac.  It’s the coolest and most powerful backpack vac available. It’s built for (to quote the Pro-Team representative) “vacuuming schools, office buildings, healthcare facilities or any large, high-traffic area that requires extreme power and suction when deep cleaning any surface.” Jesus… it’s built to clean up hospitals. You’ve seen, “Sicko,” right? That’s one powerful vacuum!

And you’ve got the added bonus of looking like a casual-ass mah fukka while you’re cleaning up your medical waste. Wait, whaaat?!

REALLY FRICKIN’ HIGH TECH

If you’re not an insane neat freak and you’re secure enough in your manliness, you’re gonna want to go high tech… and spring for a robot vacuum.

While the iRobot Roomba is the OBVIOUS choice (remember, it was featured in that Pepsi ad with my boy, Dave Chappelle), Samsung has a line of robot vacs.  Being this high tech comes with a price of course—they’re only available in Europe and cost over a thousand bucks. Cha CHING!

Hope you found your perfect vacuum today. If not, it’s no biggie. Just get your mom to do your vacuuming for you. Loser. What’s that? You’re married… well GOOooooOODDD for you!!