Man Tech: Condomanium

 

 

 

SIZE MATTERS...NOT

Feeling depressed you don't rock the Magnums? Or maybe you're one of the lucky guys who's well endowed enough to rock those bad boys? Well, either way, let's try an experiment. Take out a condom...okay, don't do this experiment at work. Now, as I was saying, take out a condom. Unroll it. Now...put your hand inside. Now, make a fist. For those of you rocking a magnum, you've got to admit that your fist is bigger than your wang. And yet the condom holds up...wow, great technology! Now guys who don't have the Magnum, pick up the pieces of the broken condom...wait, what's that? The condom's not broken? It's still in tact? Oh, that's right...because a "regular sized" condom can fit over a fist. A regular sized condom can fit over ANY penis. Magnums are just a "master stroke" (pun intended) of marketing genius. The truth about Magnums is that they are a quarter inch longer and only an eighth of an inch wider than normal condoms. They're not big enough to make a difference, but just big enough to fool idiots into proudly buying them every day.

 

If you truly have a ginormous penis, there are Magnum XL's or Durex XXL's available. Have fun with your tree trunk. And the world's largest condom? Well that was the 20-story long yellow monster that hung over a hotel in Guilin, China, which was manufactured in honor of the UN World Population Day. So, put that in perspective, Mr. "Black and Gold Box."

36 FLAVORS, ALL UP IN DAT AZZ

 

 

 

Here's something that you shouldn't care about...flavored condoms. They're an example of the heinous female-centric condom market. Listen up, beyotch, if you insist on me wearing a condom during a blowjob, I WANT you to taste something nasty. But if you're not quite as mean as I am, most regular pharmacies carry Trojan and Durex's garden variety of flavored condoms, be they Banana (most popular flavor because...get it...your penis is like a banana), Orange, Mint or Strawberry.

If you want to get creative, hit up Japan. There you'll find Kit Kat flavored condoms, among others. India even has a flavor called Paan, which is a mixture of "betel nut" and tobacco. Wowsers. I still think they should make some flavors that are even more noxious, like "Fart," or "Onion" or "Pepper Spray." That'd learn the bitch for making oral sex safe...and therefore totally unerotic and horrible.

DON'T STOP THE FEELING

If you're like me, or any regular guy on this planet, and hate that "I've Got A Condom On" feeling, then you're gonna have to start playing the thin game. The thinner you go, the better the sex feels...and the greater the chance for, well, accidents. Durex makes a brand called Ultimate Feeling that is about as thin as a latex ribbed condom can get before nervousness and the dreaded thought of a pullout sets in.  

If you're in a monogamous relationship that either is or approaches a marriage (but you don't want kids) you Miiiiight consider lambskin condoms. I'm not condoning them here, because, dude, there's a warning about direct exposure to sunlight decreasing the safety, but aanyways, here's the breakdown on lambskin: they feel as close as you will come to having sex without a condom, but they for one don't provide any protection against STDs, for two are only pretty good protection against pregnancy and for three are the most expensive condoms on the market. Oh yeah, and for four? You're putting actual lamb skin over your penis. If you're bothered by that? Maybe don't get these. To be honest, I haven't fucked with these at all. Most of the people who have bought these on Amazon seem to dig them, so maybe, if you trust your chick, get a pack and see what happens. You'll probably, if you wear them right, not get her pregnant. But you're rocking lamb intestines on your penis and going into the whole thing, you should know they have pores. Yikes. Your call.

Another option is Okamoto's Crown condom (sometimes called Beyond Seven). They bill themselves as as close to the real thing. This Japanese brand is made out of what they call "sheerlon," a new material that is apparently so durable it can be made much thinner than latex condoms. But a simple google search for sheerlon only heeded condom results, which troubles me. If the material is so durable, shouldn't it be used for gloves or some sort of medical purpose other than condoms? Regardless, Crown is rather popular online and has gained an even greater popularity due to their use in hardcore pornos. But their track record is also unsafe. So who knows...I'd be more interested in rocking one of these than in messing with lambskin though, that's for sure. Also, check out Okamoto's website...it's not a coincidence the word "moto" is in their name...they make parts for cars in addition to condoms. Just thought I'd let you know.

For your peace of mind, I'd rock the Durex Estra Sensitive purple box condoms. They are very sensitive though clearly feel like you're wearing a condom which, to be honest, makes me less nervous. And yes, this is my brand.

STA HARD

Who doesn't remember the classic episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry David puts the "stay hard" condoms on backwards, causing his wife to completely numb out her snatch? Funny thing is, that's happened to me...and I bet if it hasn't happened to you, it's happened to at least a few of your friends. Here's the breakdown on these whipper snappers...if you have trouble getting an erection, have trouble keeping one or have trouble not blowing your load upon insertion, you're gonna need an extra boost to keep you in the game. Both Trojan and Durex offer their own line of condoms with an internal lube (one used for YOUR side of the condom, not hers) that will numb your penis for an extended period of time, thus paralyzing your poor pecker while you have feeling-less sex with the missus. But hey, it's better than busting on impact. You do what you gotta do. You'll gain points if you use these guys right (and need them). You'll lose points if you pull a Larry David and put the bitch on wrong.

SPERMICIDE KILLS...SPERM, AND PEOPLE!

Just a note of warning...even though it prevents more pregnancies, I wouldn't rock anything with Spermicidal Lube. I used to until the old lady started saying it burned her insides...that being her vagina. Then there was a big New York Times story about how a bunch of girls and dudes were getting cancers on their sex parts from the stuff, and that pretty much convinced me. I mean, threat of cancer? Eh. Burning, ehhh. But put the two together and it's like, "oh man, this burning...must be cancer!" That was enough to go cold turkey. And we've been screwin' without it for three years since with zero incidences of pregnancy. Phew.

IN COCKLUSION...TEE HEE

What kind of condom should you get? Try out a bunch, get some crazy stuff. If you're a white guy, get a black condom, if you're a black guy, get a yellow one...go crazy. Just stay safe and have fun. Yeesh, I sound like my dad. Who, ironically, never wore condoms. He just tied a sandwich bag around his dick. Thanks pop! That's why I'm here today.