Man Made: Ten Things We Never Should Have Stolen From Women

But, like women, some men can’t leave well enough alone and want to use these items, too. Everything here only looks right only when applied to women.  It only fits women.  And thus, everything on this list should only be worn or used by women.  It's as simple as that. If you or any of your friends has one of the items on this list you may want to ask them if they actually have a dick, or if they've just been pulling a Boys Don't Cry on you all along.

Pink

When babies are born, they dress boys in blue and girls in pink. Pink is for girls, and as far as we know it always has been and always will be that way. Pink is NOT the new black, and the horrific trend of pink polo and T-shirts permeating mens' wardrobes must be stopped. It doesn’t look good and all these shirts should be destroyed immediately.  Pink also does not make you “OK with your sexuality,” and therefore manlier. That is some serious chick logic, right there. The day guys wearing pink is OK is the same day we see a NFL team sporting pink jerseys. That will never happen, and if it does, we'll sadly be too long dead to do anything about it.  But if ghosts exist, you'd better believe we'll haunt the shit out of you pink-wearing bitches.

Boobs

Some guys are leg guys. Some are ass guys. You know where we’re going with this, right? Tits are one of the best feminine characteristics ever. But on dudes, not so much. We’ll even go so far to say that steroid-pumping muscle-heads with ginormous pecs fit in this category.  Man-boobs have to be the most unappealing, disgusting sight around. There was even a guy who got breast implants on a dare/bet. So that’s what you do when you can’t get a girlfriend and blow-up dolls and porn just don’t cut it anymore.

Purses

Women have a lot of shit to haul around. Granted, some guys need to haul around a lot of shit, too. Here’s the deal though:  men usually wear pants with pockets. Mini skirts and women’s jeans really don’t come with such conveniences. Hence, they need a small bag to put all their makeup and shit in. Guys, if you have to carry around more stuff than will fit in your pockets, you are carrying around too much shit. If you insist on being a fucking pack-rat, throw it in a backpack. There is absolutely, positively no reason ever to carry a man-purse.

Bras

The right bra on the right woman looks dead sexy. As previously discussed, men with boobs do not. And if your tits are big enough you even have to consider buying a bra, you’re in some serious trouble.  As much as we hate to say it, you’re going to have to lay off the beer and chips and consider getting your fat ass up off the couch to start an exercise regimen. The "bro" or "mansiere" should never have even been conceived, let alone actually manufactured and distributed.

Girls' Night Out

If you’ve ever been to a “normal” bar, you know that dudes invariably outnumber chicks every time. That’s why they have a thing called “ladies night.” They have that to get chicks in the bar. It’s not really a secret.  Women also like to get together, drink cheap sugary drinks and talk about whatever it is they talk about (mostly hair products and the Vagina Monologues). They call this “Girl’s night out.” Men, on the other hand, go out to locate these aforementioned ladies. Which makes EVERY night a guy’s night out. So, if one of your friends suggests a guy’s night out, question the validity of his manhood and location of his balls. They are either lopped off, in the firm grip of a woman or he never had them to begin with. He's probably wearing a pink polo shirt, too.  With the collar popped.

PMS

When women are in a bad mood or bitchy, guys assume it’s "that time of the month.” When men are in a bad mood or bitchy, sometimes people joke that it’s their time of the month. This is when the guy in the bad mood should beat the living fuck out of the person suggesting such a thing. PMS is woman-exclusive, thank God. More likely than not, you are causing the bad mood and henceforth, are part of the problem and should remove yourself from the equation accordingly.

Thongs

How this article of clothing ever made it into men’s wardrobes is beyond us. While acceptable only -- and we mean only -- for Chippendales dancers (really, what else would they wear?  One caveat, though:  Chippendales dancers are not acceptable.), a thong on a dude as regular issue is wrong on so many levels. There’s nothing worse than checking out some fine piece of ass with a whale-tail only to find out it’s a dude wearing a thong. That shit will send you to therapy.

Spandex / Short Shorts

On one hand, we’d like to personally shake the hand of the person that invented spandex and short-shorts. On the other, there should have been some ground rules established -- like who exactly gets to wear such items.  Somehow, in their infinite wisdom, fatties and dudes think they actually look good in spandex. Oh, how wrong they are. No man should ever wear pants or shorts so tight or short that they announce his religious affiliation.

Eyeliner

First and foremost, it’s EYEliner. Not GUYliner. We don’t give a rat’s ass who renamed that shit while trying to make a buck. We’ve already discussed this issue and there’s no sense in beating a dead horse. Read all about why this is wrong here.

Make-Up

We thought it couldn’t get any worse than guyliner, but apparently it can. While makeup is ok for actors, news reporters and clowns, no man should ever be caught carrying a compact or rouge. Seriously, even rock and rollers shouldn’t be wearing the stuff. The ONLY exceptions we will allow are for the band KISS and aboriginal cannibals. As we all know, they actually look better in makeup (and somehow made better music too), and we don’t want some voodoo curse placed on us. Other than that, if you carry and use makeup, you should just keep it in your purse that matches that pretty pink shirt and spandex shorts you’re probably wearing.