My findings? Bacon is fucking delicious. 

Bacon is proof that there’s a God on this shitty, reprehensible Earth, and He wants us to be happy by drowning our gay-ass Pilates classes and dusty Bowflex machines in a vat of thick, syrupy hog fat, sculpted by the fucking God of Thor above. I’ve researched this shit for 35 years, so don’t you dare fucking dispute me.

Burn that shit to a crisp and lap it up, you fat bastard. Then take the grease and slather it all over your pale, naked body and prance through the streets thusly, proclaiming your rebirth and sudden understanding of what it means to be truly happy. Bacon is that fucking wonderful. I read somewhere that the oldest recorded man on Earth was baptized in a goblet of bacon grease. Wrap your head around that shit. 

If you need further proof why bacon will eventually save us all, here’s some hard facts for your skeptical ass. Maybe this will fix your fucking wagon. 

1. Bacon Grease Is Composed Of Over 99% Pure Fat, And One Teaspoon Is Over 45 Calories. 

Hell, in a logical world, eating a strip of bacon would only be done as a dare between a group of drunken, backwards-baseball cap-wearing jackoffs with complete disregard for their own well-being. I mean, come on, this shit is seriously lethal if you really think about it. If it were invented tomorrow, it wouldn’t even be fucking legal. You’d have to blow some dude in a back alley just for the privilege of smelling a strip of that shit. Addicts would be injecting the grease between their toes, and there would be rehab centers full of fuckers that all smell like they just left a Wendy’s. 

It’s not often that you know something for sure, and it’s a stone-cold fucking absolute truth that bacon is the least-healthy product that can be purchased for consumption (besides Hot Pockets). That being said, eating bacon should be considered a badge of honor; anyone who eats bacon and survives to tell the tale should be given a fucking medal and marched through town on the shoulders of prostitutes and astronauts.

2. According To The US Department Of Agriculture, Bacon Contains No Positive Nutritional Value. 

Between you and me, that’s absolutely fucking hilarious. Even beer has some positive ingredients as far as your health is concerned. Shit, at least snorting cocaine will let you stay awake for eight straight days, and you don’t see that shit in the supermarkets. Hell, I’d argue that drinking a tin of shoe polish and shoving a roman candle up your ass would be less dangerous than cramming swine carcass down your fucking throat every morning.  

This is yet another reason why bacon is saving your life. It’s making you immune to all the dangers outside of your house. AIDS has nothing on bacon; Cancer can suck bacon’s ass. It’s the ultimate immunization; bacon is the cure. Eating that greezy shit, day-in and day-out, will eventually make you the most impervious and invincible fucker on the planet. You’ll be deflecting bullets with your fingertips and flipping cars over with your dick. 

3. Have You Fucking Tasted It? 

Fuck nutritional facts; bacon is goddamn delicious. It smells like Selma Hayek’s cleavage, and tastes like it was prepared by Jesus Christ himself. If my wife wore bacon grease as perfume, I’d be banging her so often we’d both lose our jobs. I’ve never tried it, but I heard that if you eat a strip of bacon at the exact moment of ejaculation, your head will explode like the fucking Hindenburg.  

God damn it; bacon is fucking awesome. If you want a second opinion from another Cardiologist, allow me to direct you to my boot in your fucking ass.

Mason Fairbanks is the Head of the University of Wisconsin's Cardiology and a Sir Chris Farley Bacon Fellow.  You can smell him coming from a mile away.