Man Gaffes Presents Cooking For Your Lady, Dos and Donts

DO include your girlfriend's favorite dish. This is a no brainer. On top of the fact that the chow hitting her taste-buds will cause her to form a dank puddle in her chair, the selection will show her that you both LISTEN to her and REMEMBER shit she says. While we could care less about a chick displaying either of those qualities (except when she better LISTEN to you when you tell her to REMEMBER to not use teeth when giving head), that crap is the kind of stuff the fairer (and penis-less) sex seems to care about.

DON'T have her favorite dish delivered. Sure, I said a paragraph earlier that her favorite food will get her gash to gush, but there will be serious sponge action when she finds out you were too lazy to cook. This whole cooking-for-my-beyotch thing is predicated on the whole feminist role reversal thing ("Hey, look! A man is cooking for me for once!") Which I guess us dudes should care about, but honestly, if you get some brain, who gives a flying fuck. So if you want to play up this little role-playing exercise, you're gonna have to eschew calling up the Szechuan Palace and try your hand frying up General Tso's Chicken Beak Soufle, or whatever it is your chica enjoys.

DO cook something with some spice to it. The biggest way to make your cooking endeavor rise from the level of "shit I just nuked it in the micro" to "shit I just fucking cooked cuz I'm a bad ass" is to add some spice to your food. Say your lady likes Mac and Cheese. Try to add a touch of crushed, fresh cilantro. Say your lady likes lobster. Try to add a touch of BITCH YOU AIN'T GETTING NO LOBSTER. You get the point -- a little spice goes a long way in convincing your chick that that year and a half you spent doing a bid at the county jail for soliciting prostitutes was really "three semesters at culinary school." And by dead-ing that "Are you sure you've never been to jail?" talk, the little miss will (Lord willing) give you a little ball-suckage action. Niiiice.

DON'T cook something super spicy... especially with your hands. When I first started going out with this chick a few years back, I made my own salsa. Which was awesome, because she loved Mexican food. But it was also a fucking huge mistake because when things got heated later on and I went in for a little "digital penetration," I set off a terrible fire in her nether regions. Needless to say, Mr. Pink Helmet went without the proper oral care that evening.

DO cook enough food. I'm gonna make a strong assumption that's absolutely not based in any personal experience. But I don't think I'd be wrong in saying that no one likes to suck dick on an empty stomach. I'd imagine it's sort of like trying to run in a marathon after a night of no sleep. And while the little lady BETTER buck up and make her tongue sprint towards the finish line, I think I speak for all brodudikases here when I say an unenthusiastic blow is slightly less than awesome. Which is a bloody shame.

DON'T cook too much food. If the darling Mrs. Mustache Ride gets too full, one of two things will happen... she's either gonna fall asleep or she's gonna fart. Neither should totally stop you from doing the deed (I kid I kid) but they definitely will succeed in dampening the fun that's normally packaged with vaginal/oral/penile contact.

DO get her slightly toasted. The bridge between a great meal and great sex is a decent amount of alcohol. Girls don't like beer, which is quite gay of them, so you're gonna have to find the perfect drink for the meal. A good (but quasi pussy) bet is to pair a wine with the food. Red is meat. White is fish and pansy ass poultry. Sherry goes with dessert. And don't break the bank here, but try to spend more than five bucks on a bottle.

DON'T get her totally drunk. I'll assume you're decent enough to not play a little game of drunk diving, so we won't "go there." But an insanely drunk but totally willing participant is still an itch in the pubes for your plans. On account of the eventual vomit-filled throat coat.

DO make dessert.

DON'T make it too complicated. Warm up a brownie and put a scoop of ice cream on top. Chicks really love chocolate and the little touch of the warm and cold will make her panties melt. Which makes it easier for you to fit yer dick in.

I cook a lot for my lady. Like almost every day. And these days, I get laid just about that often. I made the Man Gaffes so you didn't have to. Now please pack your knives and go... get some nookie.