Love, Machiavelli Style

Don't send me angry emails

Firstly, a disclaimer:

The "advice" you'll find herein isn't really advice at all – I don't necessarily urge that you follow all of Machiavelli's updated imperatives, as their consistent use will doubtlessly turn you into a selfish, evil shell of a human being. Still, there's something to be said for the fact that, in a world where chivalry is dead and relationships become progressively less emotional as the participants try to reveal less and less to one another in the attempt to avoid "drama" of any sort, Machiavelli's 500-year-old principles for running a dictatorship still have some practical value in attracting (and keeping) a member of the opposite sex.

Also, if you find this article sexist, just mentally switch all the gender-related pronouns. The advice still works.

The Princess

My main motivation for writing this article came from something an old female acquaintance of mine once said during an interview (she's an amateur model nowadays). In response to some vague, offscreen question, she said the following:

"When I like someone, I usually don't give them any hints. I think that…confusion is hot. I feed off confusion because I think it gives you more power over a person. It kinda sends them on a little mission, figure out what you're thinking…it makes them try a little bit harder.

Men are so simple and so much inclined to obey immediate needs that a deceiver will never lack victims for his deceptions."

Admittedly, that last sentence is actually from The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli. Still, it doesn't really look that out of place, does it? Not to pick on the girl, of course. She's simply vocalizing an attitude many attractive women tend to have toward relationships:  dating isn't about love or sex, but power. The quality of a relationship is defined by how well the two parties can play off one another, leading each other along and refusing to divulge emotion or sentimentality unless absolutely necessary. As unromantic, depressing, and downright cutthroat this philosophy may sound, it's a perfect encapsulation of what goes into the new American courtship ritual.

If you need proof (though you shouldn't, assuming you've met any attractive women within the last eight years), hold up one finger for each "romantic," "chivalrous" man you know who has dated or married a beautiful woman whom he loved completely and honestly. If you're not holding up any fingers, congratulations – you now understand why Ms. Machiavelli's words apply to modern American relationships. If you are holding up any fingers, please use them to poke yourself in the eye(s). You're lying to yourself.

So, how does one work within this new relational paradigm? How does one achieve and maintain a relationship using these new disgustingly Machiavellian values? Assuming you're dating, or are hoping to date a physically attractive woman, there are some things good ol' Niccolo can teach us all.

"Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil"

In other words, never compliment women.

Giving a compliment is not sexy. Attractive women know they're attractive; they've been told so since puberty or earlier, and they're probably a little sick and goddamn tired of hearing it variations of basically the same ideas. Using the word "beautiful" instead of "hot" won't get you any brownie points, nor will calling her "the most gorgeous woman [you've] ever seen." Consider the way celebrities must feel after a few years of stardom. Initially, the compliments and devotion are reassuring and appreciated; after 24 months, however, they get so sick and tired of people telling them how great they are that they wear sunglasses and hoodies in public so they won't be recognized. Attractive women deal with pretty much the same shit, except more frequently and less publicly.

"But wait," you may protest. "I don't give compliments just to impress women; I legitimately believe the things I say."

I hate to break it to you, but nobody cares. Honestly. Regardless of how honest you're being, or how well-worded your specific compliments are, women don't find compliments attractive in the least. They say they do, and roughly a century of outdated romantic advice would have us believe this to be true, but they just plain don't. As dating has now been turned into nothing more than an elongated duel with sporadic sexual intercourse, admitting your attraction to someone is like admitting defeat -- and nobody wants to duel with someone who has already surrendered.

Attractive people tend to find much more interest in people who don't come on to them, who don't seem to be interested in them, if only because of how unusual these people are; if you can pick between eighty guys who all feel identically amorous toward you, and one guy who thinks you aren't that big a deal, the attractive person will invariably head toward the dickish dude who refuses to compliment them, or indeed show any interest at all. We want what we cannot appear to have. To compliment a woman or let her know that you're attracted to/madly in love with her, is to invite pity and, subsequently, hatred.

"It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved."

I don't mean "feared" in the sense that she's constantly worried you'll physically abuse her -- the key here is to be an attractive asshole, not a degenerate monster -- but in the sense that your significant other doesn't know what you're thinking, what you're going to do, or why you're going to do it.

Relationships last, and remain interesting, through mystery. Being consistently nice and romantic to your girlfriend will eventually inspire boredom and resentment; repeatedly acting like a jerk just to keep her at an arm's length will quickly grow tiresome and infuriating. The key is to often  act with seeming deep compassion and sensitivity, before suddenly and inexplicably acting like a selfish asshole months down the road. This inconsistency will confuse one's significant other to the point where they become excited, but somewhat scared, about how you will act next: the relationship becomes a constant struggle which, while occasionally trying, will never grow boring or predictable.

Getting her to love you is easy; getting her to stay around after loving her back is damn near impossible. Better to keep things harsh, yet interesting.

"Severities should be dealt out all at once, so that their suddenness may give less offense; benefits ought to be handed ought drop by drop, so that they may be relished the more."

This quote ties in nicely with the last one, and really speaks for itself. If a man waltzes through his relationship occasionally expressing bits of affection and kindness, bit by bit, over a long period of time, the aggregate of his positive actions will balance out the inexorable, significant, and necessary mistakes and insensitivities which will crop up en masse in any healthy relationship.

"No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution."

In other words: surprise her with flowers! Or by having sex with her best friend once the relationship starts heading downhill!

"There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of others."

If you can smell an argument coming, strike first. As roughly 99.9% of the arguments in male-female relationship history tend to revolve around the male not showing enough attention or care to something (their future, her needs, specific romantically-themed holidays), starting the argument yourself will immediately make it seem like you care about the argument's subject far more than she would have otherwise given you credit for.

Starting arguments immediately puts your significant other on the defensive, giving you an advantage which, if played correctly, you can ride all the way to a victory without ever giving her a chance to prepare or figure out what the hell is going on.

Putting off an argument in the hopes that she'll simply forget about it or have the good graces not to bring it up is a stupid-ass, rookie mistake: women will always bring up an argument eventually, and postponing an argument just gives her more chance to organize her thoughts and accumulate more evidence in support of her cause. Strike quickly, decisively, and mercilessly, just like Machiavelli would; hell, just like a man would. Yeah, she'll probably get irritated at you for winning the argument with such ruthless efficiency, but to hell with her -- a win's a win.

"A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise."

Enough said.