Lies Cosmo Tells Women

By Kevin Palmer on December 13, 2007 - 9:15 am | Permalink

Cosmopolitan Magazine has become a bible for the martini swilling, fashion conscious, and orgasm starved female. While this magazine has been helpful to women by aiding them in achieving the perfect bikini wax, it has regularly clouded their minds about men. In fact, I would say that Cosmopolitan has done more damage to men than Barry Bonds has done to baseball.

 

Cosmo helps create the assumption that every move a man makes has an underlying meaning to it. This assumption has turned female Cosmo into a hacky English teacher, treating men as though they are Melville’s great white whale, with every motion, action, breath and word taking on a deep symbolic meaning. Women who read Cosmo increase the fight factor with their significant other by at least 67% because, now, the way a man holds a fork can be interpreted in terms of his overall feeling on the relationship. There is a regular feature in Cosmopolitan called, “Understanding His Baffling Behavior,” which “decodes” various actions of men and explains to women the true meaning of these actions. Here is a breakdown of the advice Cosmo gave as well as the correct interpretation: 

 

Why do guys always sit with their legs splayed?  

Cosmos reasoning: "Women are taught to keep their legs together as a way of not inviting sex," says Helen Fisher, PhD, author of The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They Are Changing the World (Ballantine, 2000). "In contrast, a man is saying, 'Come and get it.'"

My reasoning: It is a comfort factor, are we supposed to sit there with our legs crossed or tightly put together with our hands placed upon our knees? That isn’t comfortable, it has nothing to do with us saying, “Come and get it.” Although, if you want to come over and drop to your knees we wouldn’t complain... I’m just sayin’.

 

Why do guys hardly ever change their sheets? 

Cosmos reasoning: "Men have a weaker sense of smell, and their skin isn't as sensitive as women's," says Fisher. "So guys aren't as likely to notice (until maximum grime has been reached) that they're snoozing in stinky sheets."

My reasoning: Do you know how much a pain in the ass it is to put that fitted sheet on? I don’t think that I have ever lain in bed and determined that the sheets felt weird, nor have I had a girlfriend that has ever made that remark. Thanks Cosmo for making me analyze how my sheets feel every time I climb into bed, like I need something else to be paranoid about.  

 

Why do guys assume every guy who's not one of his oldest friends is a loser? 

Cosmos reasoning: It goes back to caveman-clan mentality, says Fisher. Guys don't want to let anyone they perceive as the enemy into their inner circle. They see all men they don't know (and that includes the geek at Starbucks) as a threat. Help him evolve by pointing out that these days, more girlfriends are stolen by best buds than by strangers.

My reasoning: This question is a perfect example of the bullshit that Cosmo slings around. Guys don’t do constant evaluation of other guys, unless we are sizing them up for fighting purposes. This is a feminine trait, and stating that we think in the same manner is false. The only time I see another male as a threat relationship-wise is when another man’s balls are slapping against my girlfriend’s chin. At that point the relationship probably can’t be saved -- well, you could join in but that would be kind of um... gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) 

 

Why do guys like women on top? 

Cosmos reasoning: According to our August 2005 sex survey, 53 percent of men prefer this chick-in-charge pose. "These playful guys are always looking to have a good time, but they still know how to be attentive," explains Hargrave. "Pleasing you is a priority, which is why they prefer a position that best allows you to achieve orgasm."

My reasoning: You are expecting me to say less work right? That does come into play, along with the being able to access the breasts; it honestly has nothing to do with how it works for you. In fact, we would rather bring you to orgasm with you not leading the way; it makes us feel like we have accomplished something. Sitting there and letting you use us like a chair-mounted dildo detracts from the ego boost.  

 

Why do guys believe they need to win at everything? 

Cosmos reasoning: It's no secret that men have a severe need to succeed, and once again biology is to blame. In the face of competition, a man's testosterone level soars, making him more willing to take risks, explains Alan Booth, PhD, a professor of sociology at Pennsylvania State University. And though this overdrive can be annoying, you may not want to discourage it

My reasoning: Wrong again, not everything has a psychological or physiological root to it. I squarely blame the “No Fear” T-Shirt brand for making shirts that say, “Second Place is the First Loser.” That ruined my outlook on sports forever:  now I have to win, because nobody wants to be the first loser. It has nothing to do with the rush and everything to do with the shame.  

I think I have clearly pointed out the flawed logic that Cosmopolitan uses. Now you know what is corrupting the minds of your girlfriend or wife and making them totally unreasonable. Wait, that could just be the hormones... nah, it's the magazine. 

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