If you haven't explored the work of Adam Carolla at some point in your life as a man, you're doing yourself a disservice. Not only did the guy have a show on Comedy Central about ten years ago called The Man Show – which, as you may recall, featured hot girls jumping on trampolines at the end of every episode – but he currently hosts one of the most successful podcasts in the world. True fans of “The Ace Man” probably first got acquainted with him on the radio program Loveline in the 90s, which he co-hosted with none other than Dr. Drew.
The thing about Adam Carolla is that, at first glance, the uninitiated would be prone to casting him away as just another radio funnyman. Except that they wouldn't be taking into account that Adam Carolla is a man we can all learn a lot from. He grew up in a poor household and worked as a carpet cleaner and a construction worker before hitting the big time. As he proudly proclaims, he is “literally a millionaire.” Let's see what the man himself has had to say.
“I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.”
“Look, here's the deal: when you want something, you can get it. We always talk about drug addicts-- there's nothing more expensive than cocaine. Just dig this thought-- per ounce it's more than gold, it sure the hell is more than lobster... It's the most expensive weighted substance on the planet. And the POOREST people, the people with no job, whose family has disowned them years ago, are able to connect with the world's most expensive substance. Thus, when you want to do something, you will get it DONE.”
“I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, 'Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead.'”
“I could never figure out that, it was all over the 70s, where people were eating dog food. Danny and I remember the sitcoms back in the day where it was like someone was eating cat food or dog food... and they were like REAL stories, 'THIS ELDERLY WOMAN WAS FORCED TO EAT DOG FOOD BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY...' And even though I was nine I realized a can of Van de Kamps hash was 59 cents, and a can of cat food was 59 cents, and a can of tuna was 59 cents and I thought why are you buying the cat food when you could buy the tuna, the top ramen, or the Van De Kamps hash for the same price?”
“I'm open minded, but close behind-ed.” (about homosexuality)
“You know those people who go, 'Well I'm Welsh, I got a little bit of Russian, I got a little bit of Italian... I'm 1/26th Cherokee, that's what gives me my tenacity'... First off, it's not called tenacity, it's called being the C-word. And then secondly, you can't be 128 things because then you're nothing. It's like if you have an ice cream that's 128 flavors, it's called milk, it's sweet. It's no longer rocky road or whatever it is.”
“I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.”
“We're not worried about survival anymore, and now our brains-- which I don't believe have caught up to us, have us turning on ourselves a little bit. 'What's The Meaning Of Life?'-- nobody asks what the meaning of life is when they're on the run, when they're trying to get food, when they're trying to find shelter. Now we need to know and we turn to Oprah.”
“You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.”
“If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.”
“Figure out what to do, then take a nap.”