Jobs That Guys Think Impress Women But Actually Don't

Unimpressive Job #1: Magicians

And no, calling yourself an “illusionist” won't help. Face it, a lot of guys who eventually become magicians started out small. Learn a few party tricks, impress the girls. “But hey,” you think, “I'm actually pretty good at this slight-of-hand stuff.” Problem is, 99.99% of magicians aren't on stage in Las Vegas. They're working for less than minimum wage at snotty children's birthday parties. This, gentlemen, is not how you get women.

Alternate Job Opportunity: Escape artist. While chicks might not inherently be attracted to escape artists, it makes leaving in the morning after a one night stand a whole lot easier.

Unimpressive Job #2: Pizza Delivery Boy

Despite what a variety of creative pornography might have lead you to believe (“Hey babe, here's your extra large sausage”), women are not attracted to pizza delivery boys. If you've never worked at a pizza parlor, you might not know that everyone stinks like pizza ingredients, including the delivery boys. Walking through that greasy kitchen cements the odor of Italy's most beloved food item into your skin, and even a long shower often isn't enough to get that vague pepperoni smell out of your hair. This is not attractive, unless you like overweight girls.

Alternate Job Opportunity: Mailman, but only if you're cool with adultery. It's just like being a pizza delivery boy, except without the smell. How many stories have you heard where some guy's wife cheated on him with the mailman?

Unimpressive Job #3: Dentist

Of you're already a dentist, you might be thinking, “But wait, women love doctors!” Sadly for you, women don't consider dentists actual doctors. Sorry pal, you're just not a neurosurgeon. And you're certainly not a doctor at a children's cancer ward, which is disturbingly like catnip but for vaginas. When was the last time a dentist was featured on Grey's Anatomy, a show that women love? That's right, never.

Alternate Job Opportunity: Ditch the toothbrush and become a battlefield medic. You're still badass enough to go to war, but sensitive enough not to actually kill people.