James Bond vs Jason Bourne

In terms of Bond, I’m talking about the new Bond here – the one bereft of the painful continuity and schlocky gimmicks of the last thirty years.  This is Daniel Craig’s Bond were talking about.

So here it is: Bond v. Bourne.

Jaw Dropping Action Scenes

Bond:

It’s pretty evident pretty quickly that the new James Bond isn’t exactly a master of finesse or grace.  Chasing after a parkour-trained bomb-maker, Bond is forced to match his thuggish wit with an acrobat of amazing skill.  And he gets the job done the only way he knows how – sheer force.  Bond smashes through a construction site with a giant wrecking ball, smashes through an embassy with guns blazing, and smashes through a wall with only his rock solid head.  Couple this with the vertiginous leap from a crane suspended hundreds of feet in the air, and you might have the greatest opening Bond scene of all time.

Bourne:

Peter Greengrass raised the bar with the shaky-cam demolition derby that is the action-packed finale of The Bourne Supremacy.  Sporting a broken leg and a gun-shot shoulder, Bourne must outmaneuver the police (in BMWs and speedy cop cars) and a Russian superspy named Kirill (Karl Urban), in a busted-up taxi-cab, while repairing his wounded shoulder.  Without speed on his side, Bourne eschews fancy driving, opting instead for break-neck turns and well-thought car smashes.  It’s exhilarating, and the final solution Bourne finds for the Russian superspy is both brutal and fantastic.

Winner:  Bond

 

Bond smashes Bourne.  Though Bourne’s car smashing shenanigans are top notch, the dangerous dance between Bond and the bomb-maker is perfect.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Bond:

Oh lord, let’s start with the eye-popping equestrian, er, “talents” of spicy Latina Solange (Caterina Murino) and move right on to the busty brainiac that is Vesper Lynn (Eva Green).  Not only is Vesper a stone-cold fox, but also the first Bond girl with the ability to match charm and wits with the dashing double-oh. 

Bourne:

The Bourne Identity introduces us to the sort-of hot, sort-of manly, sort-of bohemian Marie (Franka Potente) who certainly does her job as Bourne’s easy-on-the-eyes femme companion.  Unfortunately for Bourne, she catches some hot lead in the dome piece puh-retty early in The Bourne Supremacy and all Bourne’s left with is a bob-cut Julia Stiles and whole lot of revenge to be had. 

Winner:  Bond

 

With the cleavage-coupling of Solange and Vesper Lynn stomping all over Franka Potente’s deceased Marie, it’s a wash in the cockney killer’s favor.

Emotional Stability

Bond:

Aside from the cold-blooded killer instinct that flows through his veins, Bond’s got stability down pat – almost too pat.  It takes the tender touches of treasury chick Vesper Lynn to crack his emotional “armor” and when she kicks the bucket in the final reel, it is time for a mental meltdown.  Bond Kills Everyone, Violently seems like an apt sequel title, don’t you think?

Bourne:

Brainwashing?  Amnesia?  Unaccountable blackouts and visions?  Post traumatic stress disorder expressed in violent explosions?  Jason Bourne’s like your Vietnam-vet step-dad, but trained to speak thirty languages and kill on command instead of just sitting around, wasting American tax dollars.  Throw in the death of his beloved, and you’ve got a grade-A psychotic, willing to kill anyone who gets in his way of uncovering the truth.

Winner: Bourne

 

Sure, Bond might not be as touchy-feely as the ladies like, but Bourne’s mental state is shakier then an AA Meeting on St. Patty’s Day.  Four words: Bourne wins, total lunatic.

The Big Bad

Bond:

Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen) is your average, amalgamated foreign-terrorist bad guy.  You know, the one who enjoys smashing testes with a cold, wet rope and has a wonky left eye that occasionally drips blood?  Yeah, that one.  At the end of the day, though, Le Chiffre is a greater organizations willing pawn, and when he over steps his bounds, it’s dirt nap time.

Bourne:

Is there anyone in these films who isn’t an enemy of Jason Bourne’s?  Covert-ops organization Treadstone has its evil government fingers in any pie it can reach. When it goes belly up after The Bourne Identity, you’ve got a couple of traitorous Rooskies, led by mustache-twirlin’ Brian Cox, out to silence the man who knows too much.  Pile on top of that a couple of highly-trained rogue assassins, some misinformed CIA agents, and the rumblings of something ominous on the horizon, and in terms of bad guys, Bourne’s got a full plate.

Winner: Bourne

 

It’s Bourne against the world, and the desperate endgame of a bland Eastern European just can’t compare.  Bourne, by a landslide.

Kills!

Bond:

Seems like Bond can’t throw a rock without killing someone.  For God’s sake, Bond’s blasts a bathroom assailant and a smarmy bureaucrat just to get his 007 status -- and that’s in the first ten minutes.  Whether it’s capping gymnastic bomb-builders in Madagascar or strangling machete-wielding Africans in a stairwell, one thing is for certain: that license to kill isn’t just for show.

Bourne:

Jason Bourne was programmed to be a killing machine, but after waking on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean all of a sudden he’s Joe Peaceful.  Oh sure, when he’s pushed Bourne can deal death like the pro he is.  For proof, check the balls-to-the-wall car crushing of the Russian assassin, Kirill, at the end The Bourne Supremacy.  

Winner: Bond

 

Both are ruthless, but Bond’s killer instinct is a remorseless constant, while Bourne’s well-thought kills are a burden to the normal life he wishes to live.  Stone Cold James Bond literally slays this category.

Fighting Scenes

Bond:

When a bare-handed Bond takes on the two armed-assassins bent on snuffing Le Chiffre in the stairwell, it’s certainly proves the superspy’s hand-to-hand prowess.  Sad to say, it’s Bond’s only real fisticuff throw down in the whole flick, as it seems he’s fairly attached to his trademark Walther’s PP9.

Bourne:

Both Bourne flicks feature fistfights a-plenty.  Be it the pen-wielding showdown with the window-smashing Treadstone assassin in The Bourne Identity or his blindingly quick takedown of two CIA agents in Supremacy, Bourne is beyond well versed with the subtle nuances of unarmed asskickery.  

Winner: Bourne

Jason Bourne defends himself with a magazine and an electrical cord against a highly-trained killer looking to poke him full of holes with a kitchen knife – and he wins.  Now that’s tough.

Driving Ability

Bond:

It’s pretty much assumed Bond’s a miracle worker behind the wheel of any vehicle.  But when he finally slides behind the wheel of the Aston Martin DBS, it isn’t five minutes before he’s spectacularly flipped it over Vesper Lynn’s trussed form.  Not exactly Dale Earnhardt Jr, if you ask me.

Bourne:

Jason Bourne knows how to drive.  Give him a Mini Cooper and he’ll race the moon through the snug streets and stairwells of Paris and come out on top.  Throw him in a taxi-cab in the disintegrating streets of Moscow, and you best be getting out of his way, because he’ll turn those streets into a four-hundred car pile-up while staunching his bleeding bullet wound and exacting vengeance on those who killed the woman he loved. 

Winner: Bourne

 

Is there even a question?  Bourne buckles Bond into his child’s seat and blasts across the finish line at 170 miles-per-hour. 

Intellect

Bond:

Underneath all that bulging muscle, Bond definitely has some brains.  He puts together the pieces of the Le Chiffre puzzle like Sherlock Holmes on steroids and is still the master of wittily seducing a woman in to his bed.  On the other hand, he’s a bull-headed mess in a tight situation, with brawn winning out over brain (let alone finesse) almost every time.

Bourne:

A knowledge of seemingly every language in the known world?  Check.  The ability to keep cool, composed, and one hundred percent on top of his game under even the most high-stress situation (e.g., escaping a submerged vehicle moments after witnessing the death of his beloved girlfriend)?  Check.  A dazzling array of a strategic knowledge that puts him on top in almost any problem solving scenario?  And, check. 

Winner:  Bourne

 

Bond’s got brains, but they’re submerged under bulging pecs and a propensity to kill first and ask questions later.  Bourne is definitely smarter than your average Bond.

Toughness

Bond:

Wet rope to the testes?  He grits his teeth and smiles out a catchy one-liner.  Poison coursing through his veins?  He pounds some saltwater, injects a needle in his vein and tries to defibrillate himself back in to the world of the living.  At one point he actually runs THROUGH a wall.  Not one to find yourself in a dark alley with, that’s for sure.

Bourne:

 Have I mentioned yet that he spends the second half of The Bourne Supremacy with a possibly broken leg and a bullet hole in his shoulder, and still manages to evade an army of daunting baddies looking to end his existence?  Well, he does.

Winner: Bond

 

It’s a close one, but Bond’s teste-trashing-triumph pushes him up and over Bourne.

Gear

Bond:

The new Bond isn’t hampered by laser phones and crossbow belt buckles.  Nope, all he needs is a smooth car (the aforementioned Aston DBS), a silenced pistol, and a beautiful lady on one arm, and he’s good to go.

Bourne: 

Bourne’s an old school superspy: the kind that uses intelligence, charm and a few well placed elbow jabs to get his business done.  Oh sure, he’s got a million passports, but really, who doesn’t these days?

Winner: Tie

 

When you’re as tough as these S.O.Bs, who needs gear?

OVERALL

Bond: 4

Bourne: 5

It’s a photo-finish, but Bourne slides in using gritty realism and a stunning intellect to steal the crown from British bad boy James Bond.

Thanks for reading.