I HATE YOU: Hipster Couple With A Baby

 

I'll set the scene (because, who else will? I'm the one writing here, after all). I was at my favorite Thai restaurant in New York City, this place called Sripraphai, which is in Woodside, Queens. Now the place is known as the most authentic Thai food in New York, which is good. But that means it attracts annoying hipster fuck-faces, which is bad. But it's mostly frequented by Thai people who live in the neighborhood and is actually kind of hard to get to from Williamsburg (which is the part of Brooklyn that contains about 98% of the ass holes who live in New York). That is, unless the douchey hipster a holes are rich (as they often are) and have cars. Then it's a short drive from anus town to my favorite restaurant, which is bad.

So I was at Sripraphai about two weeks ago. If anyone reading this is in the New York area and hasn't been to Sripraphai (or Sripraphai as I like to call it), then you should go. The food is unreal delicious and, thankfully, extra extra spicy.

So I was at the restaurant, filling my stomach with food that would undoubtedly be shit out about 20 minutes later (eating a bowl full of curried hot peppers will do that to ya) when this couple, in their mid 30s, walks in with their baby. She had Weezer-style horn rimmed glasses and a Pavement t-shirt, he had a messenger bag, hemp pants and some faggy Ben Sherman-type shit for everything else. Their baby was wearing... wait for it... wait for it... a Hillary Clinton onesie.

Yesss. We're in business here... bona-fide ass holes. The hate, undoubtedly, began to rise from the peppery spice of my stomach all the way to my slightly oversized head (oversized due to Thai food, not due to brain power... don't get it twisted).

My girlfriend and I (proper grammar, what what) were enjoying some Singha beers and an appetizer (Crispy Watercress Salad... get that shit if you hit up this spot... it's deep fried good-ness) and hadn't ordered our meal yet so we sat back for a second and eavesdropped as the couple from hell's anus ordered food.

"Miss!" the delightfully fat hipster bitch began. "Miss, I think we're ready!" The waitress, a genial gal who would be the first to admit Engrish was her fourth language, sauntered over. "Miss, we'd like the chicken cashew nut, the chicken curry (not too spicy) and some pad thai. All..." wait for it... "vegetarian."

What the butt fuck! Ignoring the obvious two cardinal sins she made here (#1 vegetarianism is a punishment, not a privilege and #2 NEVER get substitutions in restaurants if you want your food to be spit-free), I've gotta point out something insanely idiotic here. How do you fuckin' order CHICKEN WITH CASHEW NUTS vegetarian? Keep in mind here we're in a part of Queens where not many people speak English (and if they do, they're Irish, and they just robbed you blind). Do you think a non-native speaker about two weeks into her Berlitz course is gonna understand Chicken Cashew Nuts, vegetarian style?

 

Well, of course she didn't. So the first round of food brought out to these model citizens of "We-Deserve-To-Be-Stoned-To-Death"ville had chicken all up in it. And of course, this fat husk of a beast (one that vaguely resembled its host human that died long ago) complained up the wazoo.

What was the male counterpart doing during this "snafu"? Bouncing his loudmouthed child on his knee, of course, chanting to her: "Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!" over and over and over again. I'd start up on a rant about letting your kid make her own choices, but I think its fairly obvious that if given free will, your child would probably eschew not only her support for Hillary Clinton but her will to live and "Tears In Heaven" her ass ASAP. And if she's a bit hesitant, I'd be more than willing to help her, Eric Clapton style (let's leave the floor to ceiling windows open and play tag, kiddies!)

 

When the "correct" food was brought to the table, the bespectacled pig/ape set in like a pig/ape at her trough. By then, our delicious, correctly made food had arrived and, in between bites of awesome, I managed to look over at the vagina-faced hipster dude. He was eating his food far slower than his beast was, which was to be expected. But you could tell from his facial expressions that vegetarianism wasn't HIS choice. Looks like his beast convinced him to give up meat (she probably huffed her snout at him and he was "scared straight").

For a split second, I felt bad for the poor guy. Then I remembered he was wearing hemp pants and was using his daughter as a sign to advertise Hillary Clinton's campaign. So I smirked and set in, rather loudly.

"MMM!" I said at a near shout. "The chicken is REALLY GOOD today!"

My girlfriend, who was just as annoyed with this couple as I was, caught on right away and backed me up.

"YEAH!" she shouted back. "Sooo SUCCULENT!"

I then grabbed a huge spoonful of various meats (some chicken, some seafood, all dead flesh) and shoveled it into my mouth. Then I looked over. The hipster, I shit you not, was holding back a single tear. Was it for the meat he missed so much, or was it for his marriage to the Weezer Orc? Who knows.

As a final twist of the knife in the hipster dude's heart, the waitress accidentally gave the couple our check. I heard them arguing about not having ordered the various delicious items that were laid out on the bill. I got up.

"Oh, I think you guys got my check! Oh yeah, the CHICKEN chicken green curry? the CHICKEN chicken cashew nut? And the NON VEGETARIAN watercress salad? Yup, that's mine." I grabbed the check, put down the money for our food and my girlfriend and I started to leave.

As we were walking out, I did something that at the time my girlfriend didn't appreciate (since it was rather embarrassing) but I think now is thankful I did. I loudly proclaimed: "Oh baby, we better stop at Walgreens before we go home... gotta pick up some CONDOMS! Better safe..." then I turned back and looked at the dude, "than sorry!"

And we were out.

Hey, Hipster Couple With A Baby... I fucking HATE you!